Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Cosmocking Special Edition: Fifty Shades of Cosmocking!



Light pink cover!  Light pink invisi-pants! ...Hang on here.  "Wow Your Man With These Moves Inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey"?  Oh boy.  I'm going straight there.

...Oh boy.  This is gonna be a whole post.
Thanks to Fifty Shades of Grey, everyone and their mother is buzzing about BDSM (short for this laundry list of naughty turn-ons: bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism).
Hey!  They actually got our goofy acronym right!  Maybe this article will be well-researched and created with input from actual kinksters!  Maybe it will discuss how BDSM exists as a community, how it encompasses a broad range of activities and motivations, and above all else, how crucial enthusiastic consent and explicit communication are in BDSM!
Suprise-attack him with a few of these tonight... and that's an order.
...Maybe not.
Use the back of a brush to swat his thighs when he steps out of the shower--wet skin is more sensitive.
That's not a sexy surprise, Cosmo.  That's battery.

God damn it. Consent is not some advanced detail that you can skip over because you're writing for a casual audience.  Consent is fundamental.  Whether you hit someone wet or dry--that's a fucking detail.

The ridiculous part is that it might turn out your boyfriend was secretly kinky all along. It might turn out that he is a bottom and does like hitting and does like being taken by surprise--but he hates being hit on the thighs.  Hitting him on the thighs gives him the bad pain and makes him shut down sexually.  He wanted to be hit on the butt.

Having sex without negotiating isn't a great idea, but you might be able to guess what your partner likes if you stick to the cultural standards.  When you do BDSM, you can't guess.  Kinks are too complicated for that and the stakes are way too high.
Make him watch a porno--from the pizza being delivered to the pizza boy getting his "tip"--without touching you or himself. If he tries, slap his hand away.
Careful.  There's a fine line between "oh, release me from this torturous sexual deprivation, Mistress" and "hm, I wonder if they're shooting this on a XL-2?"
Press a fork (firmly, but don't break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body--his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.
My roommate and I tried this--for Science! Result: jabbing a fork at me at random just feels silly and uncomfortable.  It only got interesting because he knew how to use the fork on pressure points.

...oh yeah, and because I'm a god damn masochist.  That's kind of an important part of the equation here.
Get him to wrap your wrist and ankles in toilet paper for a lighter restraint. While you are bound, he should tease you to the point where you're so turned on, you have to rip free of your shackles.
Toilet paper bondage. Oh my god.  TOILET PAPER BONDAGE.

I love Cosmo so much.

TOILET PAPER BONDAGE.

...how much frenzied thrashing does it take to rip toilet paper, anyway?
In your meanest schoolteacher voice, tell him to go stand in a corner facing the wall and not to move. After a few minutes, demand that he get in bed and ravage you.
It's like someone told Cosmo what roleplaying is, but didn't give any examples, so they had to kinda wing it.  "And next, maybe you could play cop and naughty party boy, and you could, um, write him a citation and then tell him to have sex with you."

It's also exponentially funnier when you remember you're supposed to be doing all this stuff as a surprise.
Let him write "Property of [his name]" on your underwear before you leave for work. It's an all-day-long reminder that he is your "master," which is awesomely kinky.
That's just going to make for confusing laundry.

It also raises questions like "What does 'master' mean for us? Does it connote real authority in our relationship?  In what ways will the 'master' exert control and in what ways can the 'slave' express her needs and problems to him?  A master/slave relationship is a very serious commitment--is this what we really want?  Or is this simply a short-term roleplay for us, and we happen to find the concept of 'master' hot?  Even then, does the roleplay extend to any activities or dynamics beyond underwear-labeling?"

Then it throws all those questions out the window, because who needs clarity when you've got a Sharpie?

As you're riding him, clamp down on his earlobes with your fingers, and pull on them to rock yourself forward and backward.
Oh Cosmo.



TOILET
PAPER
BONDAGE!!!



(Dear million billion people who've written in about it--no, I haven't read Fifty Shades of Grey. Yes, I'm going to. Yes, I'll blog about it.)

142 comments:

  1. Toilet paper bondage? Did some brand come out with some sort of of ultra-soft yet super strong ply that's now on the market?

    Because otherwise I'm not sure I see the point...

    That's not a sexy surprise, Cosmo. That's battery.

    What they're advocating isn't funny but this line cracked me up.

    Honestly, I could see this one going wrong in so many ways.

    -Jeremy

    ReplyDelete
  2. LB has been mocking 50 shades on their LJ, think they only managed to get through about 11 chapters so far - it is SO BAD. Like, the writing makes Stephanie Meyer look like some sort of literary prodigy. I have read INTENTIONALLY BAD fanfic with better writing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Who's LB, and what's their LJ called? I have a weakness for really bad lit in controlled doses....

      Delete
    2. Loony Brain. Some of them comment here sometimes, mostly Rogan. They're baaing_tree on LJ.

      Delete
    3. Yeah, I totally get an "Eye of Argon" vibe from the little I've had to read about it. Too easy to mock... "he eyed her hungrily, like a mother hamster about to devour its three legged young..." Really? Ummm...

      Delete
    4. Wait, the mother hamster thing is a real quote and not someone trolling?

      *facepalm*

      Delete
    5. It's trolling. It's a bit too creepy for Christian Grey, and that's saying a lot, really...

      Delete
  3. I feel so helpless in this toilet paper...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Paper towels are for advanced players only.

      Delete
  4. As you're riding him, clamp down on his earlobes with your fingers, and pull on them to rock yourself forward and backward.

    AND CALL HIM DUMBO.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am reminded of the dirty joke about the Martian whose ears control the size of his penis.

      Also, at some point, they'll probably come off.

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    3. Now I got cheeseybread up my nose. Thanks a bunch.

      But where does he put the wishing feather?

      (I edited for bad punctuation. I suppose I could have tied up the punctuation with toilet paper and sent it to the corner, but my 'best schoolteacher voice' was learned from my kindergarten teacher mother, so I think it would send mixed signals)

      Delete
    4. I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything. I laughed so hard I had trouble reading that coherently aloud to my friends.

      Delete
    5. I swear the Cosmo writers come up with this stuff for a laugh to see if people actually do it!

      Delete
  5. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2171523/Fifty-Shades-Grey-Boyfriend-squirts-girlfriend-sauce-stop-reading-EL-James-erotic-novel.html

    ^You might have seen this already... I don't know wether to laugh or cry!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just the URL makes me dubious about the content. Woo!

      Delete
    2. The book is crap, but wow, what a patronizing ass! "She shouldn't be reading that" because "it's pornographic?" She's a grown adult, and I doubt you had any objections about her delicate, childlike sensibilities when it came time for you to have sex with her. I hope she breaks up with him, because having terrible taste in books doesn't excuse someone behaving that way toward her.

      Delete
  6. Also, um... I LIKE being hit with a hairbrush. A lot. Like, I seriously get off on it... when I'm in the right mood, and I'm not tired (because then pain just hurts and is no good), and with a head's up about it. Just thwapping my thighs with no warning while I'm getting out of the shower is likely to end Very Badly Indeed.

    And OMG Laura - Dumbo indeed! :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I've been following 50 shades here: http://historyofbdsm.com/category/fifty-shades-of-grey/

    It seems like a good deconstruction; I'd love to hear your take/analysis on the book as well.

    ReplyDelete
  8. ...I love the photos.

    Toilet paper bondage. What exciting stuff WILL they think of next?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Toilet paper bondage... because even using something innocuous like a tie for bondage like [I hear they do] in the book is too kinky for Cosmo.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Before you put yourself through reading the books, I suggest a look through 50 Shades of Wat.

    http://50shadesofwat.tumblr.com

    She's live-blogging all three books. It's not as easy as it sounds.

    ReplyDelete
  11. You don't need much to be "bound" (if anything) if part of your interest in the whole dynamic is having to maintain the physical self-control to not "break" the "bond"...

    ReplyDelete
  12. I've always suspected that the people who write Cosmo secret hate sex and are trying to ruin it for their readers.

    ReplyDelete
  13. EvilSlutopia is also doing a chapter by chapter of 50 Shades of trash. You may want to go into reading it with as blank of a slate as possible, but if not, this is a good series.

    And the deconstruction they do is more focused on the crappy writing and horrific characters, with some BDSM criticism.

    ReplyDelete
  14. What I want to know is, if you're using the back of a brush, why would it have to be a brush? I mean, it could be any old hunk of plastic or wood. Or do they mean the bristly side when they say the "back"?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, no, they mean "back" as in "non-primary side." So you're REALLY whacking him with the handle! I think.

      It's Cosmo; they're probably that clueless.

      Delete
    2. ...No. The back is the back. Not the handle, not the bristles, the BACK.

      And you could use 'any old hunk of plastic or wood', but what else would you find lying around at home that is that size and not flexible and not dangerous?

      Delete
    3. Friend of mine just wrote about what makes hitty toys different from each other; you might like it. http://kink-bingo.dreamwidth.org/476211.html

      Delete
  15. Oh hell. I'm a pretty hardcore masochist but if my sadist "surprised" me with a hairbrush to the thighs after a shower, he'd better start running and hope my embarrassment at being naked chasing him out of the house slows me down. I do not like surprise pain. Some people may have negotiated that sort of "surprise" play into their dynamics but the vast majority of people are going to be seriously pissed off not turned on by that surprise. WTF is wrong with Cosmo's writers?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And even most people who are good with a certain amount of naughty surprises in the relationship aren't likely to be good with absolutely every kind of surprise ever. I'm not sure if anyone is going to be okay with every single type of surprise.

      So it's a really good idea to have some kind of "For future reference, if I surprise-hit you because I found it hot, would that be okay with you or not?" conversation at least once before you got after your partner with a hairbrush. (Obviously also clarifying specifics of what kind of hitting would and wouldn't be acceptable.)

      Because "Now I'm going to jump out and smack your legs with a hairbrush like you said I could" is potentially fun, but "Now I'm going to jump out and smack your legs with a hairbrush despite having absolutely no indication you might be okay with this" isn't.

      (The "Is it okay to surprise you" conversation is also good for stuff not necessarily considered kinky or unusual, such as wake-up blowjobs.)

      Delete
  16. Well, about the TP bondage -- it *could* be a fun mind game. The bondage is purely mental or symbolic, of course. "If you break it, I stop."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True, but... toilet paper. Not sexy.

      A single silk thread on the other hand...

      Delete
  17. Hahaha brilliant! Makes for confusing laundry hahaha :D

    ReplyDelete
  18. I just...what... TOILET PAPER BONDAGE??!!??!

    ReplyDelete
  19. TOILET PAPER BONDAGE

    Actually, that would be hardcore masochism in this household... my cats love hunting toilet paper... and killing it...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh God. It'd be hell trying to explain to the folks in the ER why you brought someone in with shredded hands/feet, although I suppose 'we were just playing!' wouldn't be a lie.

      Delete
  20. Had such a laugh at your words and style,thanks for this great post... and then again I really don't find misinformation funny. Consent is what make any - not just BDSM -sexual activity enjoyable.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think we should all write to Cosmo about how vitally important explicit consent (in advance, for each and every kinky act) is to BDSM, and inform them that failing to inform their readers--and even going the other way and saying to surprise their partners with this stuff--is irresponsible and downright dangerous.

      Delete
  21. Briliant post. The photos at the end nearly had me falling off my chair with laughter.
    What is it about vanilla sexual advice and 'spontaneity'? Soooo overrated. And potentially dangerous. Surprising a wet naked man is probably just going to cause some serious tile-slippage, and a trip to the Emergency Room.

    I'd advise against 50 Shades from both a literary and kink perspective, but I suppose you'll want to know what you're missing. I do think it will piss you off big time though, as it has me! But such is the risk of being a feminist and kinkster...

    ReplyDelete
  22. Ah, love it. Surprise attack BDSM. Shakes head*

    Ok, I confess, I read it as fanfic installments and I enjoyed it. So kill me. It raises many, many questions, sure.

    It is doing PHENOMENAL PR for erotica, speaking as an erotica writer. All the writers I know who bitched about it viciously are nonetheless delighted to jump on the bandwagon and promote themselves in its name. Hmm.

    ReplyDelete
  23. ...how much frenzied thrashing does it take to rip toilet paper, anyway?

    "Oops, I twitched."

    It might be interesting as an exercise in "Can I actually even be this still?"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, but that's a completely different and somewhat rarer kink...

      Delete
  24. http://jenniferarmintrout.blogspot.com/p/jen-reads-50-shades-of-grey.html

    This person has some entertaining chapter-by-chapter snark too, probably my favorite so far

    ReplyDelete
  25. ....... Oh, Cosmo.

    *headdesk*

    ReplyDelete
  26. I think the "which is awesomely kinky" really gets to the heart of the matter.

    It's like, the way they're looking at it is like 'awesomely kinky' is some badge you want to earn for some reason. Like there's some kind of point system for activities and the goal is to get a high score. Which is completely missing the point of doing things because you like those specific things! (Granted, this seems to be the attitude toward sex and relationships in general, there.) No wonder they have so much of an issue with the 'asking if your partner wants this' part - they haven't even gone through 'figuring out if *you* want this'! They don't seem to have even *thought of that concept*.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cosmo's advice makes so much more sense if you see it all about scoring sex points and achieving goals instead of a thing people do for pleasure.

      Delete
    2. It's like, the way they're looking at it is like 'awesomely kinky' is some badge you want to earn for some reason. Like there's some kind of point system for activities and the goal is to get a high score.

      I think most mainstream media acts that way - while simultaneously portraying kink as "mildly feisty behaviour wrapped in sexy goth clothes" and leaving out concepts like humiliation, extreme pain, chastity, housekeeping, foot worship, etc.

      Which would explain all the guys I've met who were like "I'm totally kinky! All kinds of kinky! I'm up for anything! Go ahead and dominate me!" and then got all disappointed and weirded out when we actually played.

      Delete
    3. "Which would explain all the guys I've met who were like "I'm totally kinky! All kinds of kinky! I'm up for anything! Go ahead and dominate me!" and then got all disappointed and weirded out when we actually played."

      This happens to me all the time too. I've made a point of not sleeping with anyone who calls it "S and M" for that very reason- "S&M" guys seem to want the leather corset with saucy language version over the "let me hit you with my belt til you're bruised" version

      Delete
    4. For whatever reason, guys I've known haven't used the phrase "S&M" (which I agree is kind of a giveaway). They just call themselves kinky...which actual kinky people do, too. So that's no help.

      But if a guy says he's "kinky" without naming any actual kinks, or if he claims he'll do "anything," I run in the other direction.

      Delete
    5. I think of S&M as basically an old-fashioned term -- if you hear it from someone over a certain age, it might not necessarily be a giveaway. Look at the Oregon Guild Activists of S&M (founded in the 1980s).

      Delete
    6. @Anonymous: I think you've hit the nail there, with the "scoring points" idea. I remember an old Cosmocking where Cosmo suggested that you'd take the "naughtiest thing you've done in bed" and do it ten times worse or something like that, and that would be super hot. Cliff commented that no, that wouldn't be super hot, that would be ignoring one's own limits.

      I tried to think of the "naughtiest" things I've done. So let's see... I've had lesbian sex, I've had a threesome, and I've had sex in public places. I know, nothing special, but I guess that's the kind of things that scores you points on Cosmo's naughtometer, right? Now something "worse" than a threesome would obviously be a big orgy with lots of people involved. "Worse" than just doing it in a public place would be doing it in, say, a mall during shopping hours, with a hundred stunned witnesses. And "worse" than doing it with your own gender would be... er... doing it with your clone? Not just the same gender, but the very same DNA?
      So I should get myself twenty clones and go have a big orgy at noon in the mall. That would be SUPER HOT!

      Delete
    7. @Dvärghundspossen: Which of these is 10x naughtier than a threesome? 10x as many sexual partners (a twentyonesome), or 10x as many participants (thirtysome). Of course, this assumes that naughtiness is linear.

      Delete
    8. Well, ARC, that's an interesting and obviously important question for everyone who wants to take Cosmo's sex advice seriously. What if naughtiness ISN'T even linear? Can we just jump to that assumption? Someone should mail Cosmo and ask!
      If we had a naughtometer, of course, we could just experimentally test this ourselves.

      Delete
  27. Toilet paper is sort of appropriate no? Because then afterwards you can wipe you ass with it. Normally, I'd say wipe your ass with the COSMO, but, you know, why humiliate poop like that? Besides, magazines are abrasive and OUCH!~ That. Might. Hurt.

    Duh.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Ok, I don't comment very often, and i usually make a point not to comment before I've read what everyone else has said, but I'm in a hurry, and I've got an urge to say this: I'm kind of disappointed you didn't have light pink toilet paper on hand, Cliff, cause THAT would have been "awesomely kinky".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The old roommate left a bunch of rolls of toilet paper with pink teddy bears on them! I wish I still had that.

      But I was sorta uncomfortable wiping my bum on a bear's face.

      Delete
    2. Then you should have stuck with the toilet paper with the little pictures of bear faces. I bet it was more absorbent anyway.

      Delete
  29. Okay. I tried checking some reviews of Fifty Shades of Gray and what I've seen so far makes it sound bizarre. It's like the author was trying to go for extreme realism and extreme fantasy at the same time and ended up with a schizophrenic mishmash that doesn't work as either.

    With Cosmo, I'm suspecting that they buy into the idea that most people don't really know what they want, and the best way to "deal" with that is to randomly force others into things. Some people do that to their kids in order to keep them from becoming couch potatoes, video game addicts, or just get them out of their hair now and then. On one hand, provided you're not completely selfish about it, this sometimes gets good results; on the other hand, it can severely erode the concept of "respect for personal agency" to the point where they start pulling that sort of crap on *everyone* when they grow up. Adults really should be trying to figure out their needs and desires under their own terms. Children probably should too, but admittedly some won't be motivated to do so (and some won't be sensible about "terms" even if they are motivated) and this is a particularly important time for it.

    Basically Cosmo thinks we're all a bunch of little kids who should be attempting to force each other into attending various specialized summer camps even if it might be a boring or traumatizing experience... just 'cuz.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It still has all the crazy you'd expect from Twilight fanfiction, plus the twist of BDSM thrown in . . . but BDSM from the point of view of someone who's never tried it.

      Honestly, it makes a lot of sense that it appeals strongly to the staff at Cosmo. The view of sexuality and romance seems very similar.

      Full disclosure: I have not read 50SOG (as the kids say these days) but I did somehow get through the Twilight books. Not all the movies, though.

      Delete
    2. The reviews I read only discussed the content, not its origins. It wasn't until a few hours after I posted that when I found out that it was based on a piece of Twilight Fanfiction.

      Delete
  30. ...Does Cosmo (and the mainstream world at large) really think us masochists just enjoy "pain" in general? Like, someone forcibly breaks our arm out of nowhere and we orgasm right then and there?

    I'm as hungry and eager a masochist as they come, but I need to be well-rested, in the right state of mind, and trust the person I'm with. Also cuddles.

    We cuddle. You flog me flaming red, bite me black and blue, and make my muscles into ground beef with your knuckles...then we cuddle again.

    That's how HUMANS BEINGS do masochism :D.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I dunno, because Cosmo makes no distinction between "your boyfriend will enjoy pain if he's a masochist" and "your boyfriend will enjoy pain because SEXY KINKY NAUGHTY."

      Delete
    2. You...cuddle?! You...sick...you sick I don't know what! Have you no sense of shame? Even the open-minded editors and writers of Cosmo must be abhorred at the thought. Cuddling is a slippery slope.

      Delete
    3. One that I and my girlfriend are super happy to be sliding down. WEE! :D

      Delete
  31. Not on the topic of 50 shades, but... is it me, or is that a really bad photoshop job on Ashley Greene's inner left thigh?

    ReplyDelete
  32. Don't you get bored with shooting fish in a barrel this way?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, no we are not bored with it.

      Delete
    2. "Cosmo is stupid" is fish in a barrel.

      "Cosmo is stupid, and here are two pages of commentary about it plus photographs of toilet paper bondage," c'mon, dude, that's putting some work into those fish.

      Delete
    3. Don't insult the poor fish, anon. They probably have better a better consent culture than Cosmo.

      Delete
    4. I am not bored. The Machine demands to be Entertained.

      I've wondered what Cliff would do with some other magazines, though. Maxim/Men's Journal/Playboy/etc. would be the obvious choice, but how about something like Guns & Ammo or Black Belt or Hot Rod?

      Delete
    5. Don - Cripes, I've only got the energy for like one post a week these days as it is, I can't go through the whole magazine rack. :p

      Plus, I don't have the specialized knowledge to critique Guns & Ammo and the rest, and reading through an entire issue just to see if they say one mockable thing about gender would be pretty unrewarding.

      Delete
  33. I feel sure you must have seen this video already. But it's what I think of every time I hear someone talk about 'Cosmo Sex Tips':
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTQnUTgLssI

    (If you can't view the video: basically, they all boil down to 'touch him on the penis'.)

    ReplyDelete
  34. Toilet Paper Bondage? Rule 34!

    *goes to google*

    *comes back with disappointment in the internet*

    We have to fix this injustice! Any volunteers? XD

    As has been pointed out, Cosmos Sex Tips make more sense if its for people keeping a score sheet, where the highest score means achieving fulfilling sex life. Every tips seem to start good, like it could end up being really beneficial, and then...

    Maybe we could spam their inbox with sex stories about consent being sexy? If it ends up on the score sheet, they wont be able to pretend its not a requirement.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Slightly OT, but I kind of like the idea of bonds that are light enough to rip through and the challenge is like, NOT ripping them. But not toilet paper. That is just silly.

    Does anyone have suggestions for non-silly bonds like that? Obviously something inexpensive since they're not reusable...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brilliant! Thank you!

      Delete
    2. There's an amazingly hot story in one of the ca 2000 "Year's Best Erotica" collections called something like "5 pennies", where the top has the bottom put her hands over her head fingertip-to-fingertip, with pennies pressed in between, and the threat is that if she drops them, he'll stop.

      Delete
    3. A single thread.

      Delete
    4. Solid colored napkins/serviettes? The paper fibres tend to go all one way though, so they're easier to shred one way than other. And you can cut strips of them to alter the necessary force too. I wouldn't use thread, I've gotten actual cuts from sewing leather and tightening the stitches with bare fingers (ow), thread is surprisingly hard to break and thin so it can break skin.

      Delete
    5. Cut a long strip of rice paper.
      Also - buy some ballet shoes ribbon. Gently pull one of the frayed ends till the ribbon starts coming undone in one superfine, almost fluffy thread. Those are nice because if you manage to use only one thread, they are super delicate, but if you use many they are extremely resilient.
      Dancers must be lovers of pain.

      Delete
  36. I would be inclined to say spare yourself the time and hassle of reading fifty shades of grey..... i read it, 1st and 2nd books in a row, and then thought, oh God, what a waste of time. And I had that post-watching-trash-on-tv post-eating-too-much-junk-food guilty afterbinge feeling.
    That's just me though!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Peals and peals of giggles after "Toilet Paper Bondage". My mom came in the room to ask what was wrong with me. I didn't want to explain the toilet paper bondage thing, and for a while, couldn't because I was too busy laughing at the concept.

    Your Cosmockings are truly, truly a gift to the world. Or at least to me on a dull Thursday evening.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Re-enact the Story of O using gummy bears! Use your kitten as a sexy tickler! Wear a bra made of waffles and spank your lover with a falafel!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's falawfully creative!

      Delete
  39. Am I the only one who glanced at that cover and thought "The 'ho issue', Cosmo!? Really now??? ... oh wait"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Normally the 'Hot' issue is in August... seems odd that it's in July.

      Delete
    2. . . . Climate change?

      Delete
    3. I glanced at the cover and laughed my ass off at "Turn him on from across the room". VCR sex robots, much?

      Then I went to read the actual post, which was awesome as usual. Thank you, Cliff.

      Delete
  40. Oh dear god. I have been into BDSM for most of my life, and somehow I have missed this kinky thing called toilet paper bondage! Next time I get to play someone, I will sexily pull out a roll of toilet paper and see the look of pure awe and longing in my playmate's face.

    Thank you, Cliff. As always, your writing is brilliant and fun to read, even when you write about something as stupid as Cosmopolitan. That magazine deserves all mocking they can get. :(

    Cheers
    /Pao

    ReplyDelete
  41. Actually, I recall a Mythbusters episode in which they wound a fuckton of toilet paper into a rope strong enough to support the weight of a person (for Science!), but at that point you could save hours of work by using a real rope, so toilet paper bondage still comes out as a pretty stupid idea. Sigh, I wish I could find the USA version of Cosmo over here.
    A.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is exactly what I thought - clearly Cosmo meant toilet paper "rope" bondage... right?

      Delete
  42. WTF?????? I've read through Jennifer Armintrout's blogging about Fifty Shades. And do you know what Christian does to Ana without negotiation or asking for consent first or anything of the sort? He chains her up and HITS HER ON THE CLIT WITH A RIDING CROP! I can't even type that without feeling complete agony in my lady parts. Okay, I know there are people who like this, and that's fine, but seriously, what are the ODDS that your partner will be one of these people if you don't ask or negotiate or anything but just goes "trust me" and then chains her up and HITS HER ON THE... No, I can't type that again, I just can't.

    That's... a bit worse than hitting somebody on the arse with a hairbrush without asking.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Christian Grey is Edward Cullen, but without the 'OH GOODNESS SEX IS SIN DIRTYPILLOWS DIRTYPILLOWS SIN SIN SEX IS SIN'. And Edward once dragged Bella to his car after she felt faint in science class and had to go home. Dragged her, without consent, into his car. And he asked his sister to kidnap Bella so Bella wouldn't be able to see her friends.

      Insert 'kinky' sex into that and it's really just the logical outcome. :(

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    2. Now I've just read Jennifer Armintrout's take on Fifty Shades and not the actual book, but it seems to me that there are some "sex is bad" issues there as well. Otherwise, why would the heroine be a twenty-one-year-old who's never felt horny, never masturbated and never orgasmed before she meets Christian (when she magically becomes super horny and starts to orgasm all over the place)? Seems like some idea that female sexuality is bad, so a good female heroine can't have any sexual urges of her own. Sexual urges and orgasms must be something that's brought to her by the right man, not something that exists independently.

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    3. Apparently she's meant to have a totally normal upbringing, but one gets the impression she was raised in an extremely sheltered environment. She even outsources her sexual desire.
      And of course, she never says she wants kissing or sex or whatever, because that would be slutty. Ugh. Put them with Twilight and they're basically 'Abuse is Sexy' and 'Rape Culture: The Novel'.

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  43. When it comes to Twilight I actually read the first book, and yeah, it's really horribly abusive.

    The abstinence thing though made sense at first. They do argue that Edward would hurt Bella if they fucked because of his super strength. That actually makes SENSE. (I remember Frank Miller's "the dark knight strikes again" where Superman and Wonderwoman have a teenage daughter, and Superman has a father-daughter-talk with her, and goes "Never do it with a terran. They're too fragile".)But then, apparently, they get married in the second or third book and then suddenly they CAN fuck. WTF? Edward is STILL super strong and Bella is STILL not invulnerable, but marriage somehow makes sex possible anyway?

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    1. Marriage somehow makes sex possible anyway. And by 'sex', I mean 'rape', because I'm pretty sure consent is revoked the second one of the parties involved goes unconcious.

      I had the misfortune of being bored enough to read all four books. I have spent about three years analysing them and hating them. I could probably get a BA in hating Twilight (and now, 50 Shades of Oh God No).

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    2. The fourth book, actually, and it's really disturbing, because she blacks out and wakes up covered with bruises. Then does a bunch of speechifying about how wonderful it is that he's so passionate that he beat the shit out of her during sex.

      :(

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    3. Even taking Edward, Bella, and Jacob out of the books, they remain problematic and disturbing. They're sexist to both binary genders, they're racist, they're anti-human, they're pro-abuse... they probably would be homophobic and transphobic* if Meyer could wrap her mind around the concept of LGBT persons.

      * There is a bit where it is claimed that Leah, the only female werewolf and the only decent character in the series, isn't a real woman because she 'can't have babies', so I guess that could count?

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    4. I agree with everyone that Twilight glorifies abusive relationships in a really bad way (has anyone mentioned how he sabotages her car so she can't go somewhere he doesn't want?), but I object to the sex description - she doesn't black out, she falls asleep afterwards, and he didn't beat the shit out of her, he held her too hard without meaning too, because of the aforementioned super strength.

      However, what follows afterwards is one of those 'there should really, really be a negotiation-type conversation here, and there isn't' scenes. And then some extended 'I, the rational man, must control our sex life so that your female lustfulness doesn't lead to bad thing'. So, uch.

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    5. Bella's justification of his injuring her seemed Stockholm Syndrome-y to me. Especially as its accompanied by his next day 'remorse', blaming his actions on her (he says he shouldn't have 'agreed to do it'), and behaving extra nicely to her.

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    6. Hmm. Not to me. I mean, there's nothing wrong with either liking or just not minding bruises caused by sex. To me, it really is an issue of communication - he has every right to have 'leaving bruises' be a hard limit, but instead of explaining this in terms of his feelings ("I don't feel comfortable leaving bruises on you, even if you don't mind it..."), he proceeds to dump his feelings on her ("how dare you be OK with this!"). To the point that I at one point considered writing a fanfic of a good-communication version.

      And he's not being extra nice to her - he's trying to exhaust her so that she won't "continue badgering him about the sex thing" (that's an actual quote). So again, instead of taking responsibility for his own feelings, he's avoiding them by manipulating her.

      Delete
    7. Good Communication (and everything else good, plus Transhumanism By Vampires) twilight fanfic is here: http://luminous.elcenia.com/

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    8. Good Communication (and everything else good, plus Transhumanism By Vampires) twilight fanfic is here: http://luminous.elcenia.com/

      Delete
  44. So my wife finished all three of these a few weeks ago and said they were fucking terrible. But the upside is that they made her think "Ya know, it's been a while since we've done much spanking". When you've been married for 14 years and have kids and all that, sometimes these things don't happen as often as they should. We don't lead any sort of BDSM lifestyle, but we dont have vanilla sex either. So the downside: Books are shitty and dumb. Upside: I end up slapping my wife's cunt with a riding crop on the kitchen table and then fucking her in the ass when we would normally be watching Conan on the couch. I consider this a successful piece of literature.

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    1. cool story, bro.

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    2. You're not into BDSM but you happen to have a riding crop lying around? Still, who am I to ruin on your obvious wank fantasy with logic.

      Delete
    3. Maybe he knows Sherlock Holmes... :P

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    4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    5. He writes "We don't lead any sort of BDSM lifestyle, but we dont have vanilla sex either." That probably means that although they DO have BDSM sex at home (thus the riding crop), they don't go to sex parties or are involved in the subculture.

      Besides, sometimes people have riding crops because they do horse riding (although I don't think a riding crop that's normally used on a horse and is full or horse-hair should be applied to somebody's genitals...)

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    6. So this is the original poster again. And no we don't ride horses, but we do know how to fuck. I think there are plenty of people like us that are not a part of the BDSM subculture, but do have a couple paddles, crops, restraints, or whatever that get taken out here and there. There are also times where we have boring missionary with the lights off. We have been in a monogamous relationship for going on 20 years, and if you are going to keep your sex life fun you have to mix it up. So I was just trying to say that while these books are crap, they definitely have spurned some fantastic depravity in our house lately, and for that I give them 2 thumbs up! I can also imagine that people who are maybe more vanilla than my wife and I might suddenly find themselves trying a little slap & tickle, which I think is cool.

      Oh, and always remember that even the squarest people you know may very well be getting their cunts punished on the kitchen table. There is a really wide world out there beyond people who are vanilla or people or lead a full on BDSM lifestyle/

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    7. You didn't say you didn't live a 'full on' BDSM lifestyle, you said you didn't do 'any kind'.

      If what you do involves consensual bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism or masochism then the label BDSM fits. The idea that hitting your wife with a riding crop isn't 'any sort' of BDSM because it doesn't fit some very limited idea of 'full on BDSM lifestyle' (whatever that means) or subculture is rather silly. (You also seem to be implying you think it's only really BDSM if you never do missionary?!)

      It's like saying someone isn't into Country music because they don't wear jeans and a cowboy hat and hang around in country music bars. (And some nights they just listen to boring jazz with the lights out!).

      Your last paragraph seems to be built around some wildly unfounded assumptions about who I am, so I'm not really going to address it, other than saying I think most people who do some form of BDSM don't go to sex parties etc, the same way most people who have vanilla sex aren't swingers.

      (And, yes, Dvärghundspossen to I was half expecting a 'I ride horses' response ;) )

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    8. Anon, let it go. Doing kinky activities is not the same as being in the BDSM community or having a full-time kinky relationship. It's fair to say you do a bit of riding-cropping but aren't in the lifestyle.

      I think the story was maybe a little unnecessary here (although I've spent the last five years telling unnecessary stories about my sex life so who am I to judge), but I really don't think it's so outlandish that it requires Internet Detectivism.

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    9. Original poster again here. Oy vey! I didn't mean to offend anyone or be inappropriately graphic. I didn't realize I was out of line. I also did not intend to come across as judgemental or anything about lifestyle choices. To be honest I respect a kink lifestyle choice as much as anything, and because of that I would not consider myself to be a member of the BDSM community just because my wife and I play around with some spanking once in a while. It would be like calling myself a musician because I can play chopsticks on the piano. I was just saying that on the level of encouraging people to be a little more creative in bed, the books work. And if it means that some of middle america is getting it in new and unusual ways, I support it.

      Delete
    10. Cliff- I agree that doing kinky activities isn't the same as having a full-time kinky relationship or being active in the community, but as far as I'm concerned it's still BDSM. (And, you know, the dictionary agrees).

      There's a gay community too, but it doesn't mean that people who merely sleep with people of the same sex but aren't active in the community aren't 'really' gay. It's a label that means you have certain sexual desires or do certain activities, not for how you choose to socialise or find partners.

      To the Anon OP - apologies if this got out of hand. My first comment was meant more as a jocular nudge, than anything (like you might tease a friend who started a sentence with 'I'm not much of a wine snob, but as I was drinking my 1990 Romanee-Conti in my climate controlled wine cellar the other day...'), but I'm genuinely a bit sad that you seem to think the term is a merit badge you haven't earned.

      The term I've heard for those who aren't active in the community or do 'full-on power exchange relationship' stuff and 'play around with spanking once in a while' is "bedroom-only" BDSM, but I must admit it's not a term I like. (It's just terribly inaccurate, as your kitchen example shows).

      Part of the problem is 'active in the subculture BDSMers' are disproportionately represented on the internet compared to the 'bedroom only' types, which gives a pretty distorted picture of what BDSM actually is. (Then we complain when TV shows have kinky sex as being all about leather cat-suit clad domanatix's doing it for money...)

      Anyway, I'm not a great writer, so I'll link to someone else who probably makes the point better than me http://www.kinkyeverafter.com/2012/06/bdsm-and-exhibitionism-are-not-same.html

      (Finally, I admit your 'even the squarest person you know' comment did rub me the wrong way a bit, um, because I pretty much AM the squarest person I know. But I realise I was reading more into your comment than was there.)

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    11. I think it's confusing when several people call themselves "anonymous".

      Look, Anonymous 2. Anonymous 1 did NOT say "we're not into BDSM" or "we're not kinky". THAT would have been ridiculous. What Anonymous 1 said was "We don't lead any sort of BDSM lifestyle". The most charitable interpretation is that Anonymous 1 differ between "being kinky/being into BDSM sex" on the one hand and "leading a BDSM LIFESTYLE" on the other hand. The latter probably means going to sex parties, having a Fetlife account and stuff like that. Given this charitable interpretation of Anonymous 1 there's nothing strange about stating, as he does, "We don't lead any sort of BDSM lifestyle, but we dont have vanilla sex either."

      And I really think it's a good internet rule to interpret each other charitably rather than nitpicking.

      Delete
  45. I really can't believe--well, yeah, I can--that they are suggesting that you hit someone without their consent.

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    1. Apparently it's okay for girls to hit guys without their consent when he's being stupid or annoying or just for the sake of slapstick humor. And the reverse is totally wrong. (Unless "she" is really a lovecraftian horror, then it's apparently fine to stab her with a fork whenever she gets all rapey.) This is the first I've heard that it's okay to hit him because sexytimes, though.

      Delete
    2. Oh, you think too much!* Just do it!** The only reason Cosmo is telling you to do it is that they know how guys are and they know he'll fucking love it!***








      *Disclaimer: You do not actually think too much.
      **Disclaimer: Do not actually do this. Cosmo advice is not meant to be taken literally.
      ***Disclaimer: He might not love it. He might be angry and bewildered.

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  46. Cop+naught party boy sounds hot. The way they would write it sounds like the world's lamest porno movie. "Unfortunately, sir, I'm going to issue you a citation for underage drinking. Your court date is in two weeks, and you'll be required to attend a mandatory alcohol-treatment classes.

    And I'm also placing you under arrest . . . for being TOO SEXY." ::cue 70s porn soundtrack::

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  47. Yes! I saw this cover at the store and I've been excited for this Cosmocking ever since. Hilarious as always.

    I am very much looking forward to seeing you tear apart 50 Shades. I've only been able to read it via reviews (I can't look directly at it) and it's making me rage big time. I'm not even kinky and I'm insulted at the way BDSM is portrayed in that book. Plus consent is heartily thrown out the window. :\

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    Replies
    1. I'm a person and I'm insulted at how PEOPLE are portrayed in that book.

      Delete
  48. entertaining article and good blog. Keep up the good work.

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  49. I just started wondering how many people working for Cosmo are reading Cliff's Cosmocking regularly. There's this image in my head of how they sit in the office together and laugh themselves silly over this post...and then they get up and say "okay, let's try to not disappoint Cliff next month - what super stupid sex advices can we think of now?"
    On the other hand as Cliff never fails to point out their advice often is not hilarious but outright dangerous and a clear path to leading a miserable life, so maybe I'm wrong.
    Anyway, I am still waiting for one of your mock advices ("rub tooth brush into his nose while massaging his knee, it stimulates the production of [insert hormone here] in his solar plexus, making his cock curl into a HOT prezel!") to actually appear in Cosmo.

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  50. POKE A FORK INTO HIM?! Why, to see if he's cooked?

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  51. Did anyone else note that the 't' in "hot" kinda gets lost against the background?

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    1. Yep, I did. Though in general the covers look like they were designed by 4th graders.

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    2. Yep, I did. Though in general the covers look like they were designed by 4th graders.

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  52. "Maybe this article will be well-researched and created with input from actual kinksters!"

    This is the reason I don't read magazines aimed at 'women'. The journalism sucks. I say 'women', as I don't think I know many Women who might read the articles in these publications and be able to say they've gained anything from them. Except maybe the cheap entertainment value of feeling superior with the knowledge that their cat could produce more interesting/ accurate/ intelligent copy.

    And then I feel like a traitor to my sex and wonder if I'm missing some fundamental part of being female or understanding of the English language that I'm not getting that the words in these articles are actually worth the paper they're printed on, and the time I took to read them.

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  53. So glad you wrote this and so wish you were here for this panel!
    http://mcnallyjackson.com/event/50-shades-grey-panel

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  54. Also the photos don't show up anymore because you are apparently too popular :)

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  55. Here's one I just now noticed: "Turn Him On From Across The Room!"

    Clap on. *clap, clap*
    Clap off. *clap, clap*
    Clap on, clap off, THE CLAPPER *clap,clap*

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  56. I`m a guy, and were my girlfriend to slap me behind the thighs with a brush, I think I`d be more confused than anything else. The porn thing, irritating. Besides, I usually skip to the sex in porn (Don`t worry, I believe in foreplay and enjoy it. But porn is different. I`m usually already turned on by the time I pull out porn. I don`t need to first be tantalized by terrible acting.

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  57. and this is what happens when writers troll the internet for information without fully researching.. first we get glittery vampires that turn into disco balls in the sun with emo girlfriends and now we get sexual abuse disguised as BD/SM. why dont they all call zanu and pack up the mother ship and Scientology and bad writers and fly away

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  58. They seriously must be stuck for artices...toilet paper bondage? lol

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  59. "Toilet paper bondage"
    God, I don't even know how to mock that.

    I don't want to sound like some conspiracy theorist, but has anyone else wondered if Cosmo might be putting out articles like this to make fetishes sound stupid and lame?

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  60. I m excited for the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. and i watch your work it is pretty awesome to see on the screen the movie fifty shades of grey

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