Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Why have sex?

Rowdy and I had another little relationship summit last night.  We're trying to make it a monthly thing.  It's quickly gone from "well, that's a little silly, we can talk whenever something comes up" to "oh my God I'm so glad we have a designated time to air everything out."  Doing it once a month also means that the airing-outs are relatively small; with only a month of conflict backlog, there's no big "here's everything about you that bothers me, all at once" emotion-dump.


We had two important discussions at this meeting.  (Well, two that are any of your business.)

The first one went a little like this:

"I feel like we're not having as much sex as I'd like lately."
"Yeah, me too, I'd like to have a lot more sex."
"Really? I haven't been initiating because I thought you weren't interested and I didn't want to pressure you!"
"...I wasn't initiating because I thought you weren't interested and I didn't want to pressure you!"

So that was nice to clear up before our little sexual "who's on first" turned tragic.


The second big discussion came when I whipped out my kink worksheet for us to do together. Again, it seemed a little silly, considering we've been together a year and a half.  And again... turns out we've been together a year and a half and there were still things we didn't know about each other's sexuality.

The most interesting one had very little to do with kink.  Rowdy and I found out that we have sex for completely different reasons.

The question of "why do you want to have sex?"* sometimes sounds silly--because you've got a sex drive, right?  Hormones and stuff.  And because you're attracted to your partner and hopefully like them at least a little. Emotions and stuff.

It sounds self-evident, but when you start asking "okay, so why do you want to have sex, rather than just masturbate for the hormones and cuddle for the emotions?", it gets complicated fast.  And it gets diverse.

In my case, it's about escapism.  I'm a person who spends a lot of time in my head, criticizing and analyzing, and I love something that yanks me out of my head into my body, puts me in the here and now, narrows my focus to nothing but sensation.  For Rowdy, it's about pleasing.  He's very much of a service top and even something of a service fucker--he wants to see me come more than he wants to come.

And for me it's also a little bit about validation--about knowing someone finds me sexy, holy shit, sexy enough to actually fuck, whoa.  (Somehow it's still a surprise.)  And for him it's also a little bit about sensation; a very specific sensation, the muscularity of our play and sex, the whumph of muscle on muscle, the dull thudding impact of fucking.

The sex we had after this little meeting was amazing.  It went whumph and it drove me out of my mind.


So I think "why do you want to have sex?" is a good question to ask your partner and yourself.  When you treat it like a foregone conclusion then it's harder to know exactly what you want out of sex.  When you think "I want it for the usual reasons" it's too easy to have what you assume is the usual sex--instead of your sex.

Plus I just think it's sort of funny: when I tell someone (outside Kinkland) I like to get punched and flogged and thrown around like a ragdoll and kicked in the crotch, the first and most obvious question is "why? what's in that for you?"  But when I tell them I like to have a penis in my vagina, nobody thinks to ask.

Why not?



*All this is assuming that you do want to have sex.  Which shouldn't be a foregone conclusion either.  There's also a universe of reasons to not want sex.

73 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. I'm not that keen on sex itself but I love making someone I love cum. Bit simple for me I'm afraid.

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    1. Simple to explain, but not at all what people would necessarily assume. So still worth saying.

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    2. stoked at discovering the term "service fucker" to describe it, though!

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  3. You know, now that I think about it, me and my fiancee do tend to have really great sex after relationship discussions...

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  4. How do you tell someone what you like?
    I'm open to anything except having something shoved in my ass lol. But how does the conversation go?

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    1. I promise you are NOT open to anything. I can think of a LOT of anythings. ;)

      But honestly, how the conversation's always gone in my experience has been pretty much blunt and awkward. Figure out what you want to say, get to a point where you're talking about sex or in sort of a sexy private mood-space, and just spit it the hell out.

      Or you could be like us, and schedule meetings, but that requires both a long-term relationship and the sort of personality that's genuinely excited by the idea of having a Sex Meeting.

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    2. "I can think of a LOT of anythings"

      My type of girl!

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    3. Not necessarily. I've got a hacksaw, coarse sandpaper, and some leather shears in my toolbox. I believe those go under "anything"...

      I'm not trying to gross you out here, just to point out that in Kinkland, "anything" isn't a sexy word--it's a scary one. There's too much anything out there.

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    4. Touché.

      I should have said "almost anything" lol

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    5. Which is almost entirely as useless as "anything".

      I'm not even a resident in KinkLand, and even I can see that "anything" or "almost anything" is more or less useless, because no one has the exact same sexuality*, and are going to be turned on by different things.


      *Or actually, there is 6 billion people in the world, there probably is exact matches, but they are rare.

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  5. This happens to us all the time. "I thought you didn't want sex" "I thought you didn't want sex" When we both want more sex.

    I read him this post and he told me that anytime he comes to my bed it is an invitation. I had no idea, I thought it could just be to talk and cuddle! I asked him to use words. Thanks again for the splendid blog.

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  6. The whole "why have sex" is still a large part of why m'lady and I (together for 11 years), still have some issues regarding sex. She likes sex for the escapism, where as I like it as a connection between us. Which can come in to conflict, since her version of escapism means sex involves roleplay nearly all the time, where as sometimes I just... want to fuck as us if that makes sense.

    We do talk about it but...

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    1. I am in a similar situation - it's nice to know I'm not alone. And we're together for 11 years, too. Weird coincidence, huh?

      My lady's job sucks and it eats her soul daily - she works retail - so sex for her is all about escapism, and she prefers roleplay. Very rarely can she get into it if she's herself. Being an undervalued and frustrated retail wage slave doesn't turn her on at all, so she has to become someone else to feel sexy. For me it's all about connection, and power too - I guess I'd be considered a service top. I like making her come, really don't care if I ever even get undressed. To that end, while I like roleplay, sometimes I do want to fuck the woman I fell in love with.

      We talk about it too. I think that she needs to improve her self-image before she can think of herself as sexy and want to have non-roleplay sex. So I am trying to build her confidence and show her every day that she is beautiful, she is smart, she is strong, and a host of other wonderful things. My self image is kinda sucky too - I don't think of myself as looking attractive, but my bedroom skills are a source of pride, so I tend to think that my orgasm-inducing potential is what's sexy about me. I just recently realized - after 11 years! - that she thinks I'm sexy for ME, not my ability to get her off. I was amazed. Just goes to show that relationship talks are a good thing, I guess.

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  7. The main reason I like sex -- specifically intercourse -- is that it's the best and easiest way for me to get off. Supposedly this is very odd for a woman, but what can I say, it's true. But sometimes, particularly if I'm upset, I crave sex mainly for the connection with my husband's body. I really like to be on the bottom at those times, and feel his weight on me.

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    1. I don't know if it's that odd. I get off best on intercourse too. I think it's uncommon, but not at all unheard of.

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    2. I told my doctor that I was having trouble coming during sex and she told me women don't usually orgasm during intercourse. For reals! The point, of course, was that I had previously been able to. And after my diabetes was diagnosed and under control, I was able to again. Not sure why I keep seeing this doctor...

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    3. Well, a good chunk of women don't. Or they might be able but with a lot of focus and work. And some can orgasm during PIV SOME of the time, but not every time. Or you're like me, where it is simply not gonna happen no matter how much I want it to (and trust me, I've experimented A LOT). I still love intercourse. But there are a lot of women who aren't as interested since they won't come anyway.

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    4. I find the only way I can easily orgasm with a partner is through PIV sex. I always found it strange when people told me they can't come from PIV sex because it can take HOURS for me to achieve orgasm any other way (and I'm talking about low-quality barely-worth-having orgasms at that).

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  8. "*All this is assuming that you do want to have sex. Which shouldn't be a foregone conclusion either. There's also a universe of reasons to not want sex."
    ^This made me so happy.
    I think I'm identifying as asexual right now, and whenever my friends talk about their sex lives with me, and I'm all awkward, they just don't seem to understand at all, and it really bogs me down sometimes.
    Of course, it could be that they're confused because I do masturbate, rather than just avoid sex in all its shapes and forms.

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    1. Oh my god there is someone else like me in the world.
      !
      (Sorry to flail at you. but, yes.)

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    2. No problem at all! I'm glad to help you feel happy. :3

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    3. Yeah... my friends are a bit confused about that too.

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    4. But if they thought about why they have sex, they might start to see that there's a big difference between masturbating and fucking another person! They probably don't just fuck for physical pleasure, but they may not have thought that through.

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  9. For me, I want to have sex because it's the one time I can let go.

    I spend my whole day censoring myself, holding myself back, checking whatever comes out of my mouth.

    But when I have sex with my partner, that can go out the window. She knows all of me. I get in touch with just how powerful and strong my body is, and how strong she is. I am 8 inches shorter and 90 pounds lighter, but more often I worry about her getting hurt than me. I feel safe, I can orgasm, make all kinds of noises, no problem. I love exploring my mental and physical limits with her.

    She doesn't just glimpse and tolerate my vulnerability; she cracks me wide open and loves all of it. I did not know such a thing was possible. That's why I have sex.

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    1. Just perfect (for me).

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  10. Really good question! I had to think about it myself a bit.

    As I'm poly, I have sex with my partners for different reasons. I like having sex with my husband for intimacy, romance, possession and to give him pleasure. If we don't have sex, our relationship day to day suffers.

    With my boyfriend, I want to have sex with him because he's smoking hot, and I am in the throes of NRE. I want to devour him. I want him in me, now, hard. It's all about the hormones, and to some extent, for intimacy. He gets to see the real me in sex, without the trappings of life, or d/s - just a woman, fucking her man.

    Sex is important to me; I don't engage in NSA sex, so when I do it, I really mean it, and the person I am doing it with is special to me. (No insult to those who do NSA - it's just not me).

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    1. What is NRE? And does NSA stand for 'no strings attatched'?

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    2. "new relationship energy" and yes to NSA.

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  11. Oh, good question! I had to think about this quite a bit before responding.

    I have sex for lots of different reasons, and the reasons are subtly different depending on the type of sex.

    When I bottom or sub, it's about escapism, letting go, and being completely vulnerable with somebody who I trust with my life. Letting someone I love take control of me and take me to the dark places I crave then bring me safely back into the light.

    When I top or Domme, it's because I get off on seeing my partner's reactions to what I do to them. It's also about the rush of pure power and confidence that comes from being in control. I have low self-esteem and don't usually regard myself as an attractive, sexy person... but when I'm in Domme-space is one of the few times I feel really good about myself and my body.

    And either way, or when we're just having good old tasty vanilla sex, having sex is always about connection to my partner, and about exploring all the ways we can express our love and attraction to each other.

    Sex is closely intertwined with love and emotions for me, so I don't do NSA or casual sex for that reason.

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  12. The question for me is Why do I have kinky sex? It is the only time the babble in my head shuts up and I can pay attention to what is going on at the time. Adrenaline and endorphins let me focus on my skin and the person I am with. It takes a while for the chatter to stop, a few minutes into a scene tonight I was asking my partner to talk to me so that I could focus on him and not whether we might start a war in Iran. I think if I didn't get a break from the PTSD I would go mad from the combat zone in my mind.

    I love watching my partners respond to me. Once I finally focus I can delight them. Finding things that will make them melt with pleasure is one of the best parts.

    I am a pleasure junkie as well. Once I am in the right head space I can bliss out for quite a long time. I eventually get tired but it takes hours and my partners are often happy to make me come until I am a happy puddle.

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  13. To me, sex is about the act of showing my partner how much I love him and how much he loves me. It's more of a part of intimacy.

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  14. So off-topic, but hey Holly! Can you make Shut Up And Write Night tomorrow? I know I mentioned it previously, but I wanted to make sure you knew the offer still stands.

    --Rogan

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    1. Sweet! It's at 7. You can meet at my place around 6:30 if you like so I can walk you up and make intros.

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    2. Oh balls, I might not be able to make it at 6:30, I have to take care of apartment stuff at 6:30, but I'll still come to the event when I'm done with that; it shouldn't take too long.

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  15. Oooh, I love this question! I'm new to this blog, so I'm going to post anonymously until I talk to my husband and make sure he's cool with me writing online about our sex life, but in the meantime:

    I am newlywed, and it's my second marriage. Before I met my (current) husband, I loved sex but was tight-lipped about it (no pun intended!). Even when in a long-term relationship, I just could NOT talk about what I wanted, or ask what he wanted. I'm not sure why, but there it is.

    Anyway, now, I am with someone with whom I can talk about anything, including what I want and what he wants. I can also, very comfortably, experiment with what we want. I guess it's a trust thing, and exploring it is SO much fun.

    So, in addition to having sex because I'm horny (which is often the case), I have sex because I love that experience. I love that we fuck and make love at the same time. I've never had that before. I didn't even know it existed. I revel in it.

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  16. Good question.

    Because I like getting my partner off, there's nothing that quite compares to making someone else writhe and beg.

    Because it luxurious, self indulgent and thoroughly unproductive.

    Because I like to feel desirable, I like to be worshipped, it does wonders for my self esteem and my orgasms.

    Because it's intimate, feeling physically close to someone makes me feel more emotionally close to them, cuddling is fantastic and intimate, but to me it's not nearly as intimate as having sex.

    Because it's about trust.

    I have different types of sex for different reasons.

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  17. As a girl,I love sex. I just got out if a 6 year relationship and I feel so horny. I just want a warm body next to me to share something special with me. I feel so alone because I masturbate quite often and I don't really like it. I just need someone to share it with.

    Horny girl

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  18. I have sex because I crave having intimacy with my partner. I'm also super fucking horny all the fucking time and that release is really the only thing that allows me to truly ever relax and enjoy just being. Normal every day life leaves me tense and irritated. Orgasm washes all of that away. What I'd like to know is how to go about navigating those feelings with a partner whose libido is three times lower than your own. Sure we talk about it, but I always end up feeling like unless he initiates that I'm pressuring him into having sex that he doesn't want, which is completely unacceptable.

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    1. Speaking as someone whose partner has a low libido, who's felt the same at times - I found the best course of action is to just ask, leave off immediately if the answer is 'no', and trust my partner to know what he wants. Also it's been helpful to redefine 'sex' - sometimes I get the desired effect just from him holding me while I get myself off, and he's often up for it even if he's not up for getting off himself. So negotiating mid-way activities might help as well, especially if they're activities you've discussed ahead of time as things he might feel like doing even if he's Not In The Mood (so you don't feel like you're pressuring him into minor-er sex acts).
      It might help to set a questioning upper boundary: perhaps ask your partner when asking starts to feel like pressuring, ie if asking once a day/month/hour/whichever is reasonable to him or stressful - and again, trust him to communicate if he's feeling pressured (and encourage him to let you know!).

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    2. well see here's the thing that makes that situation complicated. He's told me before that most of the time while he's not interested in getting off and having sex for him, he doesn't mind me "talking him into it" which feels like pressuring him to me, even if he doesn't feel that way. He doesn't like the hold me while I masturbate stuff so that's not an option. Mostly it's just my overactive brain telling me that there must be something wrong with you because your partner and you do not have the exact same sex drive and you are a freak because of it nonsense stuff

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    3. if he "doesn't mind" you "talking him into it," does that mean he ends up enjoying it? maybe you could ask him a little more about what "not minding" feels like for him, and then trust him that he's being honest about it being OK for you to initiate.

      (i have a similar situation where my male partner has a much lower libido & sometimes it helps me to have these talks at a very neutral time, when it doesn't feel like being rejected.)

      flightless

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  19. "tense and irritated"

    That's it!

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  20. For me, sex is a little bit about validation when I have it regularly which turns into mainly about validation when I don't (assuming it's not my choice).

    It's also, I think, about intimacy, self image and the fact that I like having sex more than I like to mastrubate.

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  21. Validation is definitely part of it. But amusingly, my reasons actually conflict - I have sex to feel connected to my partner, and I have sex to get off... which requires me to go into my head where he can't follow. This ended up turning our sex into something of a three-parter: foreplay, the pound-away part (for connectedness and his getting off) and the fiddly-didly part (for my getting off). Possibly it sounds a bit funny, but it works for us!

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    1. My partner and I do something really similar. We tend to cuddle a lot, I get her off, and then I usually curl up in her arms and get myself off. And then as soon as I'm done we turn around and go to sleep. We decided last night that we get our cuddles in before sex and that we're too kicky to stay all smooshed together. I think that whatever works, works.

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  22. Right now I'm a little conflicted about sex. I used to be a sex was for love, for fun, for connection, for helping people feel better, for helping ME feel better, for sort of a mental reset. And I think it has all those potentials for me still. But right now, my sex drive with my primary (and only, at this time) partner is very low. And it's rather frustrating because it stems from needing him to apologize for something, and he hasn't (it's a long story, I have mentioned needing that to him, but he doesn't seem to understand, and if I just flat out say "I need you to apologize for standing by while X hurt me," it unfortunately isn't as effective.

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    1. When you say it isn't as effective, what do you mean?

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    2. I am so sorry you are going through that, it sounds like quite the betrayal. I have had times where my beloved would not protect me and it was dreadful. My heart goes out to you.

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    3. @ mythago - If I need an apology from him, and the only way to get that apology is for me to bring up the painful subject on my own and ask for one, it will not help me reconnect with him as much as him taking the initiative to apologize for what happened on his own. One of the few, but big, conflicts we have in our relationship is him being a very passive person. Which, 95% of the time I can deal with. But that period and the time following it has put a lot of strain on my emotional resources, and while I know it's not easy, I needed him to step up on this one.

      @ Falcon - thank you. I don't think this particular thing is totally insurmountable, but it will take a lot more effort and time and energy if I have to do it more on my own than not.

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  23. I have sex because it makes me feel sexy (I have a hard time believing someone wants to fuck me too, very silly), because it feels good, because it can ground me if I'm having racing thoughts, so that my boyfriend and I have a creative space to explore, and so that I can make my boyfriend feel amazing (both by physically making him feel good and because he is turned on by seeing me get off).

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  24. Why have sex?
    -I'm crazy super attracted to my gf
    -It's really satisfying making her come (and often what helps me get off)
    -It's connective
    -It can be fun and playful and exploratory and educational
    -It can be fun to share with others (yay group sex!)

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  25. I'm right there with you, Holly, on wanting to get out of my head and turn off my brain.

    Sadly, I've yet to find that. I can never actually get in the moment. Too busy analyzing everything. ><

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    1. If this isn't too personal... Are you kinky? I could never in a million years manage that with vanilla sex.

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    2. Well, the link attached to my name goes to my semi-autobiographical kinky comic, so, yeah. Part of the thing is I'm Dominant, so both feel I must and am more accustomed to keeping a clear head about everything.

      Also, I'm just not attracted to people often. It's not even a looks thing; I don't have a type. I'm active in the Scene, which is in New York, so huge, and know a LOT of S-type males. And switch males. And D-type males. And females of all types. And GQ, Trans, Intersexed, etc of all types. And the thought of having a massive, sweaty tumble with any of them ranges from unpleasant to icky to downright Fuck No.

      I know I'm not asexual. I wank all the time. And earlier today I was seduced via YouTube by a clip from That Mitchell and Webb Look where David Mitchell described why he loved and was so good a performing cunnilingus.

      That's a comedy show. Which has gone into my Porn folder.

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    3. I love Mitchell and Webb.

      Topping is a very different type of focus certainly. At least I get to escape the noise in my head and pay attention to my bottom and not extraneous shit. It isn't the same as bottoming where you don't have to pay attention to anything but your skin. If you feel like it sometime, I know lots of doms like to do a little sensation bottoming even when anything submissive would squick the hell out of them. If it sounds horrible, of course don't even try.

      "I know I'm not asexual. I wank all the time."
      Lots of asexuals do to, they just don't want sex with other people. Up to you how you want to identify and if you want to pursue partner sex.

      The idea of having a sweaty tumble with anyone I am not into as a person is pretty much icky to fuck no. I said I didn't have a type once and my lover thought about my variety of lovers and said "Yes you do, scientific rigor". He is right, that and compassion, overlapping kinks, black humor, compatible ethics, attraction to me. Maybe you do have a type that just isn't very obvious. I like all genders, body types, adult ages, races, heights, disabilities. If I like the person in there I will like the body. But I am only attracted to people if I *really* like them. Sexuality is weird, maybe you have some sort of atypical one like I do.

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    4. I have bottomed before, and I don't like it. I like topping, particularly when my bottom has a lot of happy reactions. My favorite play partner is a heavy masochist and would probably be my lover if he weren't poly (that bumps the health risk too high for my personal comfort).

      Obviously, I DO want sex with other people, or this wouldn't be an issue.

      If I have a type, I sure haven't figured out what it is yet.

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    5. Yeah topping is totally fun that way. Good luck finding someone like your favorite partner but monogamous. You sound pretty awesome so at least that should make it a little easier.

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    6. Not really. I have a lot of options, but none I'd want to bump uglies with. Better odds, but nothing worth betting on.

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  26. Anonymous for this one... I was surprised how hard it is for me to answer this question. I thought about it while falling asleep last night and this morning over breakfast.

    Sometimes I want to have sex because my desire for my boyfriend overwhelms everything else in my head and I just can't wait to see and feel him naked. Instinct takes over and it feels more like a drive than a conscious "want". Sometimes I have to be warmed to the idea of sex by him, but I am almost always willing to let him initiate sex with me just because I know that moment of abandon will come sooner or later. I enjoy the tenderness and connection of sex too, but mostly afterwards - during it, I am extremely focused on the raw pleasure of it all.

    If I masturbate it is usually because I can't get sex off my mind for whatever reason and just want to get back to doing something more useful with my day!

    Ha, I am female, but this post probably didn't sound very typically feminine, did it...

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  27. Thanks for inventing (if you did) the phrase "service top" that's exactly what I am.
    At least partly. I don't do sex only to get my man off (we're monogamous) and I like being top/domme mostly for the feeling of power and control, but when I inflict pain on him, it's because it turns him on.
    I'm not a sadist, inflicting pain does not turn me on in itself, but having pain inflicted on him turns him on and turning him on is what turns me on. So in the end, inflicting pain on my partner turns me on just fine, but not because I'm a sadist.
    (DISCLAIMER: This is not to say that being a sadist is bad, in itself! If that's your thing it's just as fine!)

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    1. I totally did not invent that phrase, but it's a useful concept.

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    2. I'm not from an English-speaking country, so I haven't encountered thephrase in the scene before.

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  28. Hey great blog!
    Well sex with me and my partner is great!
    I really like her to be in control and use my dick like a toy! I'm not talking about pinching, biting etc. I'm talking about riding it into oblivion. Almost like I'm her human dildo!

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  29. All of a sudden... I want to have sex.

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  30. Also joining the Anonymous for this bit of tl:dr. I love your blog, I love kink blogs and sex blogs and advice columns and reading and writing sexy fiction.

    My relationship with sex, however, is a bit more complicated (isn't it always?). I came from a rather repressive upbringing, at the mercy of a stepmother who seemed convinced that every male friend I had I was legs up in the air with since middle school and outright called me a whore for having a young man who was interested in a date with me call my dad for permisson first at 16. I thought I was doing the right thing, but apparently not. So I kept to myself, writing my dirty stories and diddling myself until I was blue in the face until I started college and lost my mind right alongside my virginity.

    I became an ethical (and at times non-ethical) slut, ignoring the comments and the rep I was getting. I was a tough gal, I didn't need to date or get into those boring 'ol relationships! I even got involved in kink as a sub, wincing the night away in clubs. I guess even bad attention was enough for me.

    Then I got starting dating a performance top who wanted a bit more control over me than I was comfortable with, and I was starting to move away from that lifestyle while he was just getting geared up. Oddly enough, the order to read buttloads of self-help books so I can be 'fixed' helped me realize several truths in me. Not only did I not completely enjoy my sexual exploits: I hadn't even had an orgasm with any of my partners, not even accidentally. I'd been faking with every single last one. I wasn't comfy being tied up - at all. Getting spanked didn't turn me on; it pissed me right the fuck off, but I endured it because that's what subs are "supposed" do to. I'd never experienced any sort of 'headspace' and I honestly couldn't take all the "yes sir/yes ma'am"ing seriously. A lot of my acting out was purely fueled by anxiety fueled with too much booze.

    The "outgoing and carnal" me was a great big mask for the "insecure and socially awkward to the point of avoidant" me. I don't blame anyone for this by myself, and as for now, I don't even know what to do with myself sexually or why I would even want to be sexual with another person. The grunting, the sweating, the closeness, it all freaks me out too badly and I can't get out of my head. Hell, even massages actually hurt because I'm so tense.

    So no, I don't really know why I would have sex now. Thankfully (I guess), my current partner hasn't approached me for it since I've moved in and I've moved far away from where my "loose" rep was formed to try to leave it behind (It's easier to say "yes, I blew you at such and such place, and I'm not going to again so quit asking" when you're in another time zone).

    Sorry about the length, Holly. Your post just made the think a lot.

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  31. I have sex because orgasms from sex actually feel different than orgasms I get from masturbation. I've... heard this isn't true for other people, and I naturally assumed it was.

    Also, it helps me feel sexy, and I really like making other people feel pleasure. But selfishly it's for the orgasms.

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    1. It certainly is true for me and several of my lovers have said so. I think it just depends on the person how orgasms will work.

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  32. I can really understand wanting escapism. I'm the same way. The ability to just shut your brain up for awhile and exist through the physical is highly cathartic. For me, it relieves a lot of stress, plus the ego boost thing... "I'm hot enough to fuck? Really? Awesome." That's right up there with "Oh hell yea, I'm good enough to make him say my name. Fuck yes!" But then I'm also a considerate person... I like knowing that my partner's getting off as well. I'm fairly easy to get off, and I feel bad if my partner doesn't cum at least once per session. So I suppose I have a few reasons for wanting sex aside from "Hey, this feels good." I never really thought about it like this. thank you, Holly.

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  33. I really appreciated this post a lot. I'll be thinking about some of the stuff you said for some time to come - particularly the reasons for having sex. This goes together with my judgement of myself for moving states for access to more sexual expression and namely away from my fiance who I adore beyond measure and well... other things I want to do and try and get *stuck* on. Perhaps surprisingly enough hearing your description of Rowdy as a Service Top, helped.

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