Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Cosmocking: April '12! Part One!

It's that time again.  (And it's totally Tuesday, just like I promised.  Shhh.)  Thanks to Rowdy and Star for co-Cosmocking!



White cover! Megan Fox! Bizarre giraffe neck pointing a whole different direction than her head, as per Cosmo standard practices!  "Megan Fox: Naughty or Nice? You Decide..." Cosmo, I don't know her!  "What He Wants to See During Sex!" I thought the answer was "a naked person" but it turns out the Cosmo answer is "his own penis"!  Too bad, because having sex can make it really hard to see your penis!
[in the letters section] Wow, the February story "Deadly Decisions: How Smart Women Put Themselves at Risk" opened my eyes. No way will I be heading home alone at night anymore."
Well, that's going to be pretty goddamn inconvenient.  I mean, if you go out with female friends, I guess the last two friends have to have a sleepover so neither of them goes home alone?  And if you go out with a man you have to commit to letting him take you home?  (Which, to take a brief real-world-break here, puts you at far greater risk than walking home alone.)  And if you go out alone that's just unthinkable because woman?

...And if your friends all leave before you then I guess you have to sleep at the bar.
The Naughtiest Thing I've Ever Done: "I hacked his email and then hooked up with his friend"
Cosmo always runs these "Naughtiest Thing" stories and they're always incredibly fucked up.  The one last month was about a girl gaslighting her roommate by secretly moving the roommate's car to illegal spots.  And this month it's about a girl who steals her boyfriend's password (like you do) and finds out that he's cheating on her, so she books a plane flight to the guy's long-distance-best-friend to fuck him.  Without telling the best friend.  I don't mean without telling him about the cheating, I mean without telling him anything.  Her first contact with the guy is a text from the airport:
"I've got the lace panties covered. You might want to pick up some condoms this weekend."
Fortunately, in Cosmoland all men are both indiscriminately horny and mildly psychic, so of course they have  awesome wild revenge-sex, instead of him texting back "I think you sent this to the wrong number. o.0"
Researchers found that the vibration of women's voices are more complex for men to hear, so dudes end up using the part of the brain that interprets music. Translation: You have to be direct, since he may be at a biological disadvantage when it comes to listening--and processing--what you say.
[incomprehensible high-pitched lady noises]

[listening closely, you can make out a strange warbling tune that sounds oddly like the words "FUCK YOU."]
[signs your friend-with-benefits wants to date you:] He lingers in bed postbooty for cuddle time. If he's only in it for the s-e-x, he'll nearly leap off the mattress when you're finished.  Sticking around shows he's into you for more than your bod.
Okay, I get that there are some people who just don't enjoy cuddling, but not cuddling because you think it'll mean you're getting attached? Actually kind of a giant dick move. Guys who spend the entire time trying to keep you at arm's length and protesting "BUT I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND" make terrible fuckbuddies.  If you don't have the maturity to trust that your "this is just sex, kay?" negotiations were real and that women aren't all secretly trying to entrap men in their relationship-tentacles, you don't have the maturity to be a fuckbuddy.

Friends with benefits are supposed to be "friends with benefits," not "strangers with body parts."
Girlie Stuff Guys Don't Get
This feature is amazing, because it's not so much misogynistic as just... strangely unfamiliar with basic Earth activities.
Long baths: Lying in a lukewarm tub of your own filth? No thanks.
Bed skirts: Your mattress doesn't need cute clothes.
Emoticons in texts: Typing eight frowny faces after telling us you're running late doesn't make us think you're really sorry. It makes us think you're an emotional wreck.
And so on.  Other impossibly girly things he doesn't get: brunch, tote bags, space heaters, bobby pins, phone cases. I've seen a million "ha ha, frivolous feminine things" articles, but this is the first one to just start naming random household objects and activities.  He's overdoing his misogyny so hard he accidentally overshot women and hit the entire human race.

...Which is a pretty good description of Cosmo in general.



But wait... there's more!  Unfortunately.  But I have an anatomy midterm so I'll finish this later.
(Anatomy: Come on ladies, having body parts? Really? Grow up!)

106 comments:

  1. Researchers found that the vibration of women's voices are more complex for men to hear, so dudes end up using the part of the brain that interprets music.

    Cosmo continues to confirm my suspicion that women are actually secretly dolphins.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! This was my first thought too. I've been Flipper all these years and no one has had the heart to tell me? I've really got to start abusing that questionable privilege, because it'll be pretty rad to swear at terrible people and not get caught.

      Delete
    2. Oh, is THAT why people expect us to smile all the time? I've been wondering.

      Delete
    3. So long, and thanks for all the fish!

      Delete
  2. My fiancee uses emoticons ALL THE TIME, I swear. It's so bad, that now I've started to use them. Also, he likes brunch, space heaters, and is constantly reminding me that we need to get a new bedskirt.

    Does that mean I need to break up with him now? Is he not Alpha enough? Dammit, Cosmo. And we were just about to take our engagement photos!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hershele OstropolerMarch 16, 2012 at 9:28 AM

      I thought the brunch thing was class, not gender.

      Space heaters are legitimately awful, they suck power and set your house on fire.

      Delete
    2. Bros don't brunch.

      Or so I've been told.

      Delete
  3. Space heaters? Really? Space heaters are too girly, Cosmo?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess only women ever have the problem of living in a cold climate with no centralized heating. Men can just warm themselves with....their manliness?

      Delete
    2. I know, right? That was my reaction. It's like... dude, I lived in someone's basement shed for five months! There was no heat. (There was no POWER either, except for that extension cord that came out of the hole cut in the wall. God I loved that place.) What was I supposed to do, just live in blankets?

      --Rogan

      Delete
    3. Real men don't shiver because it's cold, they tremble with rage that it's not even colder. Really, hasn't Cosmo taught you people anything?

      Delete
  4. Phone cases? Really? Well I'll tell you this cosmo my boyfriend has a phone case, I don't, guess which one of us has the smashed phone screen???

    Not wanting a smashed phone in the future means when my new phone arrives I will be putting a case on that sucker asap! And my vagina has nothing to do with that decision

    ReplyDelete
  5. My boyfriend doesn't allow space heaters in the house because the wiring is so old it might blow up. And then where would we be, hm?

    Sigh.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Phone cases? Seriously? I guess women are just duped into buying them to protect our electronics.

    Good luck on your midterm!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would understand if it said jeweled phone cases, or pink phone cases, but...most of the people I know of who have protective cases on their phones are MALE.

      Delete
  7. A long bath with epsom salts is the husband's best friend after a workout (when I'm not around).

    ReplyDelete
  8. Researchers found that the vibration of women's voices are more complex for men to hear, so dudes end up using the part of the brain that interprets music.

    The cochlear nucleus, inferior colliculus, and primary auditory cortex? Okay, I can buy that...

    ~~
    Samantha

    ReplyDelete
  9. "the vibration of women's voices are more complex for men to hear"??? What does that even mean? As in, literally, what meaning was that sentences supposed to contain? And while we're at it, the formants in higher pitched voices are farther apart, so technically women's voices contain less auditory information than men's. And yet somehow, that doesn't make it harder to interpret what's being said, isn't the human brain awesome? Why, oh why did I spend twelve weeks last year trying to get up to speed on the research on how human's perceive language when I could have just read Cosmo?

    /confuzzled rant

    I'm going to go and eat coffee cake until the pain goes away, or until I run out of coffee cake.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the reasoning is something like this:

      A) Women's voices are high-pitched, like music!

      B) Therefore, it's hard to hear women's words, just like it's hard to hear words if they're sung!

      ...No, there is no part of this that makes sense.

      Delete
    2. This is clearly why so many straight women date musicians.

      flightless

      Delete
    3. Perhaps our error here has been to expect some form of logic or relationship to reality?

      Delete
    4. Yes, music is high-pitched! Man, I should never have started playing the double bass.

      Delete
    5. Oh noes! Men must stop singing bass now! Opera will never be the same. Damn you Cosmo.

      Delete
  10. Oh, and I don't think I've ever met a man who didn't enjoy brunch. You get to sleep in and then you get your pick of delicious breakfast and lunch foods. Bacon, waffles, and shrimp cocktail? My dad was all in favor of that when I was growing up and my husband enjoys it, too.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Space heaters? Really? Since when are men opposed to being warm?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Summer heatwaves?

      ... Beyond that, I got nothing.

      Delete
    2. I know, right? When I think of space heaters, I think of garage workshops or outdoor/mostly-outdoor work sites. Which are places one might find men. Who love having a place where they can stand and thaw their hands/faces out, because working in 15-degree weather actually does suck for anyone, at all, regardless of chromosomes or identity.

      Delete
  12. I don't understand any of that random object/activty stuff.

    But I did laugh right out loud at your "Anatomy: Come on ladies, having body parts? Really? Grow up!" which deserves to be so much more than parenthetical.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm amused that everything on that 'girl things guys don't get' list is a thing my now-fiance introduced me to the wonders of. Even tote bags. (OMG LL BEAN TOTE BAGS U GUISE)

    Of course I've known since day 1, based on my reading of many pink books aimed at laydeez trying to understand mayunz and t'other way round, that I am actually the man in this relationship and he is actually the woman. He's more sensitive and cooks the dinner; I have four emotions and make the money. zOMG!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not to mention, tote bags are frequently used as reusable shopping bags too. OMG HOW DARE TEH MENZ HELP THE ENVIRONMENT BY NOT USING PLASTIC BAGS!!

      I mean, it's not like men never buy anything.

      Delete
  14. Silly Holly. Women aren't supposed to be going out at night, acting like they're people or something.

    I am disturbed by revenge-sex. Why would your solution to "my partner is cheating on me" be cheat on him back instead of taking about it or dumping him?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Because talking about it would just stimulate the part of his brain that processes music, and breaking up would then require you to walk home alone.

      Delete
    2. I just re-read that bit: not only did she not just dump the guy, but according to the story she took a plane to the friend's city BEFORE contacting him? What would she have done if he had said, "I'm not going to be a home-wrecker" or "I'm just not that into you" or "Get away from me, crazy lady"?

      "Yeah, I just up and decided to fly to Ishmaelville on a lark. No, I don't know anyone in town. I thought I might be staying with someone, but, um... how's the nightlife here?"

      Delete
    3. Shiftercat - You read that right. She just flew the hell out there.

      Even in Cosmoland where men never turn down sex ever, she didn't even check that he was in town! That would've been awkward.

      Delete
    4. Of course, the real reason she got on the plane before contacting the guy who would obviously a) be available, b) be up for sex, c) even with his "best friend's" girlfriend is because the story is fiction, written by a 19-year-old Cosmo intern.

      Delete
    5. The whole letter screams, "Dear Penthouse" to me.

      Delete
  15. Yes space heaters are so girly. Cause you know living in a room with no heating when it gets freaking cold makes no difference in that matter.

    Cosmo continues to baffle me with its logic on how, as a woman, i'm suppose to act.

    Good luck with the anatomy midterm.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you forgot the quote marks around "logic". :3

      Delete
  16. "Lying in a tub of your own filth"? Surely even the most overcompensating macho guy would understand that there's a difference between lying in water containing a certain amount of oils, skin flakes, etc. and lying in raw sewage.

    And I can't wait for Cosmo to come up with some pseudo-scientific babble to explain why men's brains just automatically trivialize and/or ignore women's speech in the form of text and sign language.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Men can't understand women's text because they use emoticons, silly! :)

      Sign language was not addressed, as deaf women do not exist anywhere except in the context of the Very Special Heartwarming Story Of The Month, but presumably women's small hands and tentative gestures are incomprehensible compared to men's BIG MANLY SIGNS.

      Delete
    2. It probably looks like dancing to them, making it difficult to distinguish words out of the flutter.

      Delete
    3. Or, you know, if a guy hates the idea of lying in used bath water that much, he can just drain the water and fill up the tub again. It's not that new a concept.

      Delete
    4. My male does this whole 'you lay in filth' argument with me. Until I went on a rant about surface area of the human body/volume of water in tub/amount of filth that would be on the surface of the bath water and therefor be able to actually re-adhere to the body after bath being so negligible as to be unworthy of mention. He laughed, told me to 'shut up, he got the idea 20 minutes ago' and hasn't mentioned it since, but still prefers to shower. Female logic, ftw. Oh, wait, I don't have logic, or math skills, do I? They don't match my vulva well, so I exchanged them for a companion to walk me home...Well, shit. :P

      Delete
    5. "They don't match my vulva well, so I exchanged them for a companion to walk me home...Well, shit. :P"

      Rofl, I almost fell of my chair laughing at the idea of things matching one's vulva. "Oh dear, this won't do, it clashes with my vulva. One always needs a body guard, however." I can just picture a huge skills barter mart now.

      You totally made my day. Can I get a mastiff that matches my pubic hair to walk me home?

      Delete
  17. The girlie things men don't understand is probably going to end up being more damaging to the men out there with girlfriends reading cosmo. Unless they live up to the design-blind, up at 5am and off to the gym instead of lounging around long enough for brunch, so tough that he's been hiking through freezing mountains in nepal and a chilly loungeroom in nothing he can't handle...he's going to be feeling pretty innadequate right now. Especially when his cosmogirl lover starts taunting him for correctly identifying a piece of home decor.

    Here's something a little bit sad. My partner has a great eye for interiors and design. Its just natural. So because we both have an opinion about how we'd like our home to look, we picked out a lot of the furniture, the colours, the bedding etc together. I put the IKEA furniture together - it's beyond him. However when it was all done, and he was happily admiring the little group of vases full of hydrangea in our bedroom, he turned to me and said "So when you show your girlfriends around at the housewarming, dont tell them I fought you for this bedspead yeah? Just tell them you I put the furniture together or something ok?"

    He's not even allowed to be personally houseproud, because that would gaaaaaaaay. apparently.

    ReplyDelete
  18. He's overdoing his misogyny so hard he accidentally overshot women and hit the entire human race.


    That is a wonderful quote. Also, it's why I am glad that your blog posts and the occasional glimpse of a cover in a supermarket checkout line or while looking for crossword puzzle books at the newsstand is my entire contact with Cosmo.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Ooh ooh! I have a space heater!

    I have it because I was talking to my (bio)dad/landlord about how I thought I would save some energy (which he pays for) with a programmable thermostat, since I'm forever leaving the house without remembering to turn the heat down. His solution was: "Get a space heater! Space heaters are the best! Here's the one that I use at my cabin! You really need a space heater! I'll buy it for you right now!" and when I begged off he bought it for me for Christmas. I use it out of guilt.

    I assume this means that, despite being a BIG JOCK and all the HUNTING and the BEER and STEAK and MANLY THINGS FOR MEN my dad doesn't quite meet Cosmo's standards of masculinity? He also enjoys brunch, like most humans, if that pushes him over the line.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Space heaters at a CABIN (my dad used to have one of those too) are nearly camping equipment, and VERY manly. In real houses, apparently not so much?

      I am sad to say my husband does not like brunch. He's an early bird, and thinks people ought to eat oat hulls and wheat chaff at the crack of dawn and be out DOING THINGS by brunch-time. But that is a personality thing and not a man thing. I know women like that too.

      Delete
  20. Really. Who doesn't like brunch? It's food right? Aren't MANLY MEN supposed to like food?

    The bar down the street from the 6 super-doodly-doods I knew had brunch and we went and ate waffles and tacos and drank mimosas (bloody marys available)

    Brunch, huh? Weird.

    MANLY MAN explanations follow:


    tote bags don't make sense: a MANLY MAN carries things over the shoulder (women, deer, large sticks)
    space heaters don't make sense: a MANLY MAN is his own, and his woman's space heater
    bobby pins don't make sense: The woman "belonging" to a MANLY MAN should have her hair in the natural, feral, unwashed, undecorated state. Better for carrying her over the shoulder.
    brunch makes no sense: a MANLY MAN doesn't eat at a previously specified time, he just hunts a mammoth and eats it. RAW.
    phone cases don't make sense: what is this technology you speak of? A MANLY MAN does all his communication by punching people in the face or clubbing them over the head and dragging them back to the cave to make MANLY SONS, depending on presumed gender.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The MANLY MAN explanations made both me and my fiance laugh heartily. Thank you!

      Delete
    2. I love those MANLY MAN explanations!

      Delete
  21. The friends with benefits thing is super weird. Only touching someone when you're actively engaged in sex would be super awkward.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have a few FWB's, and also a bit of a complex about touching other people even if we have that dynamic. However, that isn't to say that I don't agree 100% with this. I always ask my FWB's if I can touch them, even if they're a long standing FWB relationship. My rule is generally no public affection with a FWB, since I'm a relatively private person, but at home, I love to kiss and hug and cuddle with them. It would be weird if I couldn't, and that would make them more of a booty call than a friend.

      Delete
    2. Original Anon here. I have only one FWB, but I enjoy kisses and cuddles as well as sexy sex-making.

      Delete
  22. Space heaters?

    SPACE HEATERS?

    *falls down laughing*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "It is very coooooold ... in spaaaace."

      Delete
    2. I think it's because "women are always cold" is a stereotype? Which has some truth to it (if only because women tend to be smaller and less muscular) but has somehow become this ridiculous "macho men are never cold and women have to sun themselves like lizards" thing.

      I had a space heater in my old apartment in California because there was no central heat and the temperature went down to the thirties at night. I don't think being manlier would have helped me sleep in a 35F room.

      Delete
    3. If you eat the way Cosmo wants you to (or don't eat, which is more like it) of course you'll be cold all the time.

      Delete
    4. Amusingly, my bf is usually the cold one since he's so very skinny. One summer I was in the kitchen (where the air conditioner is) making dinner (naked, as is standard in our household). My (naked) bf came in to help me, shrieked, left the room and returned moments later in his winter coat.

      Delete
    5. That thing about women always being colder is a prevalent idea but it turns out it's not even true. A friend of mine is a mechanical engineer who specializes in heating and cooling system design, and she researched this for her Ph.D thesis. Turns out they can pin gender differences down to the fact that men's clothes on average have higher R-value (that's insulating ability) than women's cause they're generally thicker and cover up more of 'ya--at least in the context of professional workplace clothes.

      Delete
    6. Speaking as the male half of the stereotypical couple--I like the thermostat far lower than she does--space heaters are a freakin' godsend. Why? Because they only heat a small area before it dissipates! That's the whole point of the thing! It actually brings an armistice to the comfort-wars, since she can cocoon herself in warm air, and I can sit in the same room without feeling like I've got a fever.

      So even within the concept of the stereotype, it fails....

      Delete
  23. "Deadly Decisions: How Smart Women Put Themselves at Risk"

    It's not a deadly decision, it's pretty normal decision to walk yourself home, but it is taken advantage off. I don't put myself at risk, I'm not actually doing anything dangerous at all (like going swimming in a ripping sea in the middle of the night, or ice climbing while rather tipsy for that matter), I'm doing a perfectly safe thing, until someone with a brain, thoughts, a mother, dreams and nightmares comes along and takes advantage of my possible vulnerability. I'm not putting myself at risk, he (and culture) has put me at risk when it was decided that I 'kinda had it comin' when I walked to my own home from a pub.

    I've been told I should be more careful when my drink was spiked... I can't even express how angry that made me. I've also been told I've played a man by kissing him, of course he was going to expect sex, even if I changed my mind about wanting to. what did I expect? I made the deadly decision and put myself at risk. What, for the love of god, did I expect?!

    Cosmo, you're being a very dangerous puppy

    *grumble*

    Thanks for this Holly

    Jude

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You would not believe how long it took for me realize that doing something potentially unwise doesn't make the consequences, should there be any, your fault. I blame video games. Because video games.

      Delete
  24. Psst... I think you forgot to add the "Cosmocking" tag.

    ReplyDelete
  25. >>Really. Who doesn't like brunch? It's food right? Aren't MANLY MEN supposed to like food?

    Fucking ridiculous. Brunch is awesome and manly. It is a breakfast that is hearty enough that you can skip lunch! Around here it comes with eggs, sausages and BACON. It is the most magical meal of the day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Also, brunch is more likely than breakfast to be available in buffet form. Which means you can go back and get ALL THE BACON YOU WANT.

      Delete
  26. I actually picked up this issue at the bookstore today and read it while my guy was looking at gun books. I used to like Cosmo, now if I could only figure out WHY. I almost wish I could hack their password, book a flight to NYC and take over this magazine.

    ReplyDelete
  27. "Well, that's going to be pretty goddamn inconvenient. I mean, if you go out with female friends, I guess the last two friends have to have a sleepover so neither of them goes home alone?"

    Clearly we all need roommates and we have to drag them out with us. Woo hoo, that will be popular.

    Maybe I should open an escort service, like cabs with armed ladies.

    "It's not a deadly decision, it's pretty normal decision to walk yourself home,"

    *Walking*!? I'd decide that by location. There is no way I'd walk in my city at night. I won't let my son and he is 6'7".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm all for female friends having "sleepovers", but I don't think that's what Cosmo meant. :P

      Delete
    2. "*Walking*!? I'd decide that by location. There is no way I'd walk in my city at night. I won't let my son and he is 6'7"."

      I get what you're saying, but the point I tried to make is that it's not the 'walking' that made that action dangerous. It's the reaction of certain people to seeing a girl (or 6'7" man) walk home by her(or him) self. All that you intend to do is transport yourself over safe pavement from location A to location B, you're not crossing a pit of fire or the rivers of doom. The only danger to you, is someone else who is screwed in the head. What I think is that when I decide to walk home, that's a normal decision that doesn't put me in danger BUT my knowledge of the world and the screwed-up-ness of certain people, would make this an unwise decision.

      I know what the world is like, so i won't walk home in certain parts of town, but if I would, and I would be attacked, it's not because I made a dangerous decision. It's solely because someone decided to attack me. that's it. Nothing else.

      Nothing about his entire situation is about me, my environment or the means I use as transport. All relies on one person, who may choose to attack me or not. that's annoying, and that's putting it mildly. I'd love to walk home after a night in the pub, it clears my head, but apparently that would be me asking to be raped. That sucks. There are reasons for me wanting to walk home and not a single one of them involves danger or rape.

      Again, I understand where you're coming from, but I'm annoyed at the wording of these kind of articles. Also, living in small country towns, where a pub is 2 minutes away and taxi's aint around, it's a good idea to walk home ;)

      Jude

      Delete
    3. sorry I didn't realise that was so long :-S

      Delete
    4. I am actually totally cool with acknowledging that people are way more dangerous than pits of fire or rivers of doom. I don't see any connection at all between knowing it is a dangerous decision to go outside where I am right now and "having it coming" if I get hurt. That makes no sense at all. How is it mutually exclusive to say that the perp would be at fault and I am putting myself at risk?

      "I've been told I should be more careful when my drink was spiked..."

      Well that is just fucking vile. Precautions are for before things happen to reduce risk. Crimes still happen and people should not bloody well say shit like that.

      I didn't read the article and I imagine I would be annoyed as hell at the lack of thought it probably put into figuring out which situations are safe to be alone in. They probably made it one of those stupid, women only things when in many places men shouldn't be careless either.

      Delete
    5. "I don't see any connection at all between knowing it is a dangerous decision to go outside where I am right now and "having it coming" if I get hurt. That makes no sense at all."

      I agree. In a way I like to think most people have the common sense (in the very literal sense of the phrase) to not walk somewhere by themselves when they know it might be dangerous. I see that. I also see that when a woman does decide to do that and she is raped, there are always people that will think or say 'she made that decision, she should have known better...'. 'she had it coming' isn't said much anymore these days, but 'she should have known better' is definitely out there and kind of similar. Though it was maybe not smart to be out by herself, she has NO blame what so ever over what eventually happened. These kind of headlines stating that she made a decision to go into danger, even though she was smart (hence the 'she should have known better, she was a smart puppy' makes it a bit... like the perp isn't the only one to blame for this.

      do you get what I'm saying? I get what you're saying. I find saying 'i've put myself at risk' something that puts the responsibility on me, where I don't want any responsibility for what one man has decided to do to me, without me asking for it. It's details and minor wording, but I'm finding it crucial in acceptance. It's why many women and men keep silent, because they feel responsible because they were smart people and obviously made the wrong decision and that got them raped or molested.

      Again, I get what you're saying and I'm sure I'm overreacting just a wee bit, but this is a way of thinking that is so stuck in this culture that it helps this kind of action along in a way. Very delicately so, but still.

      peace

      Jude

      Delete
    6. You are right, phrasing matters. It isn't that something gets you raped(well rapists) it is that sometimes you are more likely to run across rapists. The question then becomes, how do we teach people good risk assessment and self protection without falling into that?

      "In a way I like to think most people have the common sense (in the very literal sense of the phrase) to not walk somewhere by themselves when they know it might be dangerous" People have no clue. Police are looking for a serial killer where I live and people still aren't walking in groups, ARGH! I don't want anyone to be in more danger because I am not teaching safety for fear of doing exactly the thing you are pointing out. In addition to the murders there have been three rapes and two non-lethal stabbings here lately.(that I know of) But still people go waltzing around past registered sex offenders and meth dealers houses and locations of past crime scenes,with no friends, no dogs,and no weapons.

      I think you have a really good point but in the situation I am in I want people to think of their personal safety as very much their own responsibility. "These are the things that will keep you safe and not doing them is batshit insane" is a reasonable response to that level of threat.

      Delete
    7. The problem with that is figuring out where the line between "safety conscious" and "outright paranoid" is. It's not much fun to go through your day expecting to be stabbed at any minute, so most people don't. Am I making sense at all?

      Delete
    8. Just don't think about it you mean? I think the difference lies in whether the danger is real. If you expect to be stabbed in a nice area then you are paranoid. I am careful. I don't expect to get stabbed because I don't make myself a target. I wish I had even better security but I am not out where the crime has been. I have locks and alarms and allies. I wish I had a dog. So no I don't worry much but if I did expect to be stabbed at any minute I would be doing something *very* wrong.

      Delete
    9. Jude,

      The other thing that is going on with me is that anything that sounds like "only rapist can stop rape" makes me feel very scared and helpless" I know that nothing is foolproof but I need to know that there are things that will make me less likely to encounter rapists. Locks, alarms, not ever being alone with men I don't know very well and who have never hurt me or another women,being very careful where I go without a bodyguard, stuff like that.

      Other women have different rules, mine are way too restrictive for many. Not following them would never make anything my fault or any other woman's. It is just a cost benefit thing. The idea that you should have only ever drunk things you opened yourself is absurd, what are you a spy? Yes doing that gives you a higher level of protection but the social cost is utterly ridiculous. And if I decide to relax sometime and see a man I haven't vetted like I was planning to give him a top secret clearance no one had better give me shit about it.

      The other thing that bothers me is the idea that no one else has responsibility besides the rapist. Really? Not even my mother when she knew exactly what was going on? Not a direct eye witness? Not the victim certainly but no one at all? So those are some of my personal issues that probably show up in my comments.

      Delete
  28. "Deadly Decisions: How Smart Women Put Themselves at Risk"
    ...is the implication that scaring yourself into thinking you can NEVER walk home alone is smart?

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  29. I love the cold weather and used to keep the thermostat between 61-65 degrees in the winter. My boyfriend moved into the house and he is much more sensitive to cold and heat than I am. I bought him a space heater for Christmas and he bought another one to use in his work area. I don't like using space heaters myself. I burned part of someone's coat several years ago on one and never quite recovered. There is nothing inherently girly or manly about them.

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  30. With the bobby pins comment, they must be referring to updos where the number of bobby pins hits triple digits. Which I fully admit confused me because I've never had enough hair that you could do an updo to it.

    But fuck it. I like bobby pins. Break off the epoxy balls on the end with pliers, and you can pick tumbler locks with em.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I used to take ballet lessons. It is impossible to keep shoulder-length hair in a bun unless you jab the bobby pins into your scalp.

      My bobby pins collect dust now.

      Delete
  31. Oh dear lord. This post and the resulting comments just put a bunch of laughs into an otherwise very stressful day for me. Thanks folks.

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  32. The one about men not understanding women because they end up using the part of their brain that interprets music had me cracking up because my boyfriend and I had a spat last night over Skype when I got annoyed because he took out his drumsticks and started playing a d-beat on his pillow while I was talking. Musical voice, indeed...

    The space heater one is very true for my boyfriend and I... I was raised in Los Angeles, and have poor blood circulation and am not muscular at all, so I'm very prone to feeling colder than everyone else in winter (and over-heating in the summer). He grew up in Wisconsin and sleeps with his window open in thirty degrees weather.
    So we end up bickering over how warm it should be whenever we're together. We usually compromise by heating the room so it's bearable for me, and he just wears fewer clothes, haha.

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  33. Men wanting to see their own penis during sex. That's a new one. Do they assume men prefer to see their dick than to put it in a vagina? The world may never know.

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    Replies
    1. I can actually almost understand that one. I think they're referring to "he wants to see his penis enter you during that first moment of sex," simply because nothing else makes sense to me. Unless you're giving him a blowjob, he's not likely to see even the base of his own penis after things start up.

      Delete
    2. In my experience, in girl on top he can get a pretty good view of the base disappearing and reappearing, if she's sitting up and he's laying back with his head propped up on pillows (for that matter, if she leans forward she can get a decent view too). It actually is quite a hot visual and one of my favorite things about the position.

      Delete
  34. Hershele OstropolerMarch 16, 2012 at 2:53 AM

    There must be other AFUistae here who shun emoticons for entirely non-gendered reasons.

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  35. First-time commenter, love the Cosmockings. Also love the MANLY MAN explanation by Anonymous above.

    I think the point about the revenge-sex is, she had always lusted after the friend (and maybe had a mutual flirtation, which was why he wasn't shocked later), and was looking for an excuse? Which was why she hacked into the boyfriend's email, found her excuse, and jumped onto a plane.

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  36. Men understand Brunch. Much like women tend to understand mysterious masculine concepts like Supdin'r and Latenightsnackfast. The fact that people tend to eat at weird times of the day is not particularly challenging to comprehend, and in fact, may be a somewhat regular occurence in modern-day society.

    And who doesn't understand phone cases? Maybe it's a cultural problem, but certainly not here in Finland. Our long-standing national familiarity with mobile communications technology has given us the invaluable insight that these devices are better protected against environmental damage if protected with cases. It is also an opportunity for personalisation. (...and no one ever questioned my manliness when I put my Palm m100 PDA in a kickawesome neoprene case. =) <- Just one smiley, by the way. No need to go overboard, here.

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  37. "Emoticons in texts: Typing eight frowny faces after telling us you're running late doesn't make us think you're "

    Doing this is the singularly most annoying thing I've seen anyone do in a text... and while it's true that I've only seen the most stereotypically "girly" girls ever do it, I don't consider it a thing that "girls" do. I consider it a thing that "annoying people with no sense of how to communicate" do.

    Since most girls don't actually do it.

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  38. Is it just me, or does Cosmo have a sex survey on a bimonthly basis?

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  39. The Cosmo FWB article is great. Apparently your FWB wants to date you if he locks eyes with you during sex, cuddles you afterward, and texts you the next day. Unfortunately for Cosmo, this is also reasonable behavior for someone who wants to get laid again. I feel like that this will only result in broken hearts and truly awful sex.

    So, Cosmo, here's the number-one super-secret sign your FWB wants something more: using his lips, he expels air to make a sound that sounds somewhat like "I want to date you."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "So, Cosmo, here's the number-one super-secret sign your FWB wants something more: using his lips, he expels air to make a sound that sounds somewhat like "I want to date you."

      I lol'd.

      Delete
    2. Or, depending on how you're oriented, said FWB might make some of those high-pitched incomprehensible lady noises. Be careful.

      Delete
    3. Unfortunately, this is also reasonable behavior for someone who wants to get laid again.

      Seriously, Cosmo, I think there's been some confusion between "signs your FWB wants to date you" and "signs the person you're sleeping with finds you attractive". I wouldn't consider any of those behaviors out of line for a random hookup who was enjoying the experience, courteous, and/or interested in the possibility of a repeat, never mind that Friends With Benefits are supposed to be not random hookups or even fuckbuddies but friends, i.e. people you interact with and enjoy the company of outside of bed as well, at least so far as I'm aware.

      Delete
  40. Am I the only one that keeps seeing "cocksmoking" instead of "cosmocking"?

    Shouldn't any country that calls itself the "land of the free" be kind of ashamed to tell people not to wander freely because they might get killed? If foreign troops were wandering around picking off random citizens we'd consider it an act of war. Otherwise... we consider it business as usual?

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  41. As Cosmo says, your FWBs are not in it for your bod.

    Which, if read properly, can be both a compliment and insult at the same time!

    Yeah, I know it's not that funny; let's see if anyone knows the next one:

    I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!!!

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  42. While I totally get the appeal of long baths, I tend not to be able to, so I settle for a shower. As for the "eight-plus emoticons in one text" text, I don't know of...anyone over the age of sixteen who do this, guy or girl. Maybe the occasional college student, but no one over the age of twenty. I don't know why that is.

    As for the "don't walk alone at night" thing...at least in my neighborhood, I don't want to do that, not because I'm as worried about people killing me as the occasional roaming dog that got of its yard injuring me.

    Mark D : Chowder?

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    Replies
    1. *as much as the occasional ...

      I can type.

      Delete
  43. "If he's only in it for the s-e-x, he'll nearly leap off the mattress when you're finished."

    Sorry, s-e-x? Is that when he puts his pee-pee into my hoo-ha? Either Cosmo readers are 15 and still giggling manically over the whole taboo sordidness of it all, or there are young children in the room. Little jugs have big ears, y'all.

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  44. Oh Gods. So much wrong with that 'revenge sex' story I don't even know where to start. She just flew out there? Um.... what if the guy was actually a half decent friend and said "actually I'm not going to take part in some petty revenge game against my best friend?" Sucks that the guy cheated on her, but... why is revenge being touted as 'ooh so naughty' in a good way (which seems to be what they're implying here.) What about, you know.... acting like an adult? No?

    I walk home alone all the time. I live in a relatively safe area, a small city mostly populated by older rich people and students. I get told ALL THE TIME (by parents, friends, uni staff, anyone who thinks it's their business) that it's NOT SAFE and I shouldn't go out if I can't get home without walking alone. Hah - fuck that! I'll take reasonable precautions to help ensure my safety, of course, but simply not going out? Fuck that! I am a fucking human and should be entitled to go outside alone.

    Love these Cosmockings, Holly! :-)

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    Replies
    1. Ok now that is just silly. Not walking where I live is a good idea but not walking anywhere is just paranoid and stupid.
      I don't see what entitlement has to to with it, I am human to, I just don't want to get hurt. But it does make much more sense to assess your risk than to listen to the people around you if the place you live has virtually no violent crime.

      Delete
  45. for what it's worth brunch is such a manly meal that it is actually eating two meals at once

    what is manlier than eating two meals at once? eating three meals at once. but still. eating two meals at once is pretty fucking manly.

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  46. Okay, I think I cracked the code. If it leads to a guy getting more sex than he might have otherwise, it's good. Thus, if you're mad at your boyfriend, you don't dump him, or even just talk to him and get your relationship back on course; you go and sleep with his friend. That way, the friend gets sex, too, and your role as a woman (read: put here for guys' pleasure) is affirmed.

    And now that I understand the mindset of Cosmo, I await with bated breath the day the aliens come and end our race with orbital bombardment. I can only hope the cleansing apocalypse will serve as sufficient punishment for our sins.

    ReplyDelete