Thursday, February 16, 2012

Cosmocking: March '12!


Lavender cover!  Selena Gomez!  Her left leg is growing out of the side of her abdomen!  "Why guys love it when you bite your lip!" "Because it is a widely understood gesture indicating sexual interest in our culture" is probably not the answer!  "3 things he doesn't have to know!" Hm...

1. The plot of the epic thirty-two-part Final Fantasy VII fanfiction saga you plan to write!
2. This thing your friend he doesn't know told you about this other friend he doesn't know at a party he wasn't at!
3. Any dream that takes more than two sentences to describe, ever!

I sure hope it's stuff like that, because wow, these are things nobody ever has to know! "How to own any room you walk into!" ...Buy a house and never leave?
Letting him take the lead: It may seem a little retro, but the simple act of allowing your guy to forge a path for the two of you can do wonders for his ego and your relationship.  [...] So throw the guy a bone and let him grab your hand and guide you the next time you're walking down a crowded street.
"Retro" is the wrong word here.  May I suggest "dehumanizing" or "infantilizing" or a good ol'-fashioned "bullshit"? But what's really getting me here is the "throw him a bone" thing.  Like, yeah, we're totally all feminists and we understand equality now... but be a sweetie and let him degrade you a little sometimes!  I mean, sure you're as much of a capable adult as he is, but you don't have to rub his nose in it!

I'd be less Humorless Meaniepants about this if it said "sometimes it's nice if one of you lets the other take charge and lead."  It did not say that.
I am a nursing assistant and work with a hot male nurse. One day, he asked if I could help him clean up an empty room. But it turns out he just wanted to hook up, so we locked the door and started going at it.
So... your direct supervisor asked you to go to an empty room with him on false pretenses and then he locked the door?  ...Are you okay?  Do you need to talk?  Do you want me to call someone?

The worst part is that this is a part of a transparently fake "true confession" story, which means that someone made this up thinking it would be sexy, when they could have just as easily made up a story that didn't have terrifying implications.
The lip bite brings out his inner caveman. Why? It causes blood to rush to your lips, which plumps and reddens your pout. Both are signs of fertility, and when a guy sees them, it sets off his primitive instinct, since he's subconsciously looking for a mate with whom he can reproduce.
"Caveman" bullshit aside, this doesn't even work.  I've been biting my lips in the mirror for the last couple minutes, and unless I chomp down so hard it hurts, my lips look exactly the same afterwards.  My teeth aren't bees.

This isn't a difficult thing to test, Cosmo.
Men love when you beg them to finish.  In a sweet, sexy voice, say, "Please come, baby, please come."
Oh God, I used to do this.  I was dating a guy who took forever and when it stopped being fun-forever and started being ow-forever, I'd do this to try to make it end.  Sometimes it worked, sometimes it just prolonged the "but I'm almost there!"  The whole situation was as sexy as a root canal.

Now I have a partner I can just say "I'm getting sore" to, and even though that doesn't sound sexy, it beats the hell out of "dirty" talk that really means "oh for the love of God why can't this be over already."

So that's just my personal associations with "please come, baby."  Maybe it's great for someone else.
Try this kinky trick: Color your nipples with a crazy-colored lipstick, like sparkly purple. Bonus points if it's yummy. He'll love the shocking, sexy change in scenery!
Man, I love Showgirls on so many levels, I think it's the unheralded companion piece to Starship Troopers... but absolutely nothing in that movie should ever be attempted by anyone.
"My guy and I will be at lunch and I'll say things like 'Yes, master,' and 'Whatever you say, sir.' He gets the hint that it's time to tell me what to do.  It's a huge turn-on, and the sex later is super passionate because of it. 
I don't disapprove of this quote at all.  I just want to slip the person who wrote it a few phone numbers.  It's okay!  You are not alone!  We have meetings Tuesdays and Sundays!
[Jewelry ad: an elaborate diamond and white-gold pendant, and two matching cocktail rings, lying on a wood surface.  Next to them, a note tied to one of the rings reads:] Girls' night out just got cancelled.
You ever get that feeling where you don't know exactly why something is wrong... you just know that it is?
"In the early stages, subtlety is key," says Nicholas Boothman, author of How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less.  "It sounds old-fashioned, but guys want to feel like they have to chase you a bit."
You know, I'm not an easily embarrassed person.  I'll happily go up to the bookstore counter and ask if they have Anal Pleasure And Health, or Hand in The Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting, or The Toybag Guide To Erotic Knifeplay, and anyone gives me a look I'll give them a look right back.  I know when I've got nothing to be ashamed of.

But if I bought a book called How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less, I would ask for a brown paper bag.

Anyway, the problem with the whole "make him chase you" thing isn't just the passivity it imposes on women and the aggressiveness it requires of men.  It isn't just the risk for dangerous confusion between a woman playing hard to get and a woman trying to get away.  It's also how often I've tried to do this, tried to be super subtle about my attraction, tried to make a guy chase me... then looked behind and realized he wasn't following. I'd just plain run away from him.

Sex and love games are awesome.  But I prefer the kind where everyone knows they're playing.



Oh, and the three things he doesn't need to know? What you do when you're not with him, what skills you have, and what insecurities you have about your body.  Because if there's one thing your boyfriend doesn't need to know, it's that he's dating a person.

112 comments:

  1. What bothers me about the diamond ad is that it implies 1, a guy bought it for the 'girl' in question, 2, because the guy bought it, he now owns her time, and 3, clearly the guy is more important than the 'girls'.

    HOW MUCH DO I HATE CALLING GROWN WOMEN GIRLS oh wait a lot.

    Also, that is some truly, TRULY atrocious Photoshop on the cover.

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  2. I have awkward memories of trying to tell a guy to hurry up while trying to be sexy, and it involved me saying "I wanna hear you come baby" which he correctly interpreted as "Hurry up and finish already, I'm getting sore" and he felt awkward about it and took much longer to come than he probably would have if I hadn't said anything. But I'm sure this is a turn on for some guys. Of course Cosmo would have us believe all guys, all the time, are exactly the same.

    Purple, SPARKLY nipples. What's not to love? I asked BF if he would be interested in me coloring my nipples sparkly colors with lipstick. He couldn't stop laughing...so, I guess, no.

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    1. Saying something can be better than nothing at all. My first wife was uncommunicative in bed; this was greatly exacerbated by the fact that her "God yes I love it" and "Ow! OW! You're killing me" noises were indistinguishable. Afterwards I got the "That sucked, it hurt and I thought you would never cum and we're late for my tv show". I began to experience a variety of problems because of this: impotence, being unable to cum for fear I was hurting her, and no staying power out born of thesame fear. Talking about what could be done differently, or even asking her to simply tell me "Ow, this isn't working" was not open to discussion. Fortunately Wife v2.0 kicks ass, has much better communication and the most responsive plug and play interfaces I have ever experienced! (Yes she knows I make that joke and approves)

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  3. Your skills? Your SKILLS? because, I can only surmise, knowing that you can code in Python, ice skate, and bake a mean moussaka is ... threatening? Because he doesn't give a shit about your interests? Uuuuuuurrrrrgggggghhhhh.

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    1. The argument was that you should surprise him by demonstrating your skills for him (the example was cooking for him...), but just telling him about your skills is bragging and totally boring.

      So guess you just have to wait for a situation to come up in which he needs you to write something in Python. (Actually, that's happened in my relationship. But I don't think that's what Cosmo was going for here.)

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    2. STAND BACK.

      I know regular expressions.

      http://xkcd.com/208/

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    3. OF COURSE Cosmo's example was cooking ffs.

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    4. And OF COURSE if your skill isn't relevant to something you can do for your guy it's worthless, amirite?

      (also, totally used my python skillz to help my partner out :D)

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    5. I want a girl who can soundly defeat me in a swordfight, dammit.

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    6. oh, too late! fate, why must you be so cruel!!!


      i used to be a pretty good fencer, but now i'm in a wheelchair*. though it *was* one of the things my boyfriend liked about me when we met, he's now happy having me correct his form and *NOT* giving him bruises :D



      *the two are NOT related. at all.

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  4. I have just read the Sparkly Purple Nipples part out to my partner; we have concluded that I would end up with Clown Tits. Also, the UK version of Cosmo is just as crap as the US one and only fit for lining cat litter trays with.

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    1. OMG, "Clown Tits"! Worst term of endearment ever?

      flightless

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  5. Try this kinky trick: Color your nipples with a crazy-colored lipstick, like sparkly purple. Bonus points if it's yummy. He'll love the shocking, sexy change in scenery!
    Man, I love Showgirls on so many levels, I think it's the unheralded companion piece to Starship Troopers... but absolutely nothing in that movie should ever be attempted by anyone.


    Yes, but, what about if instead of lipstick we used colored Sharpie markers and drew faces and monsters on the nipples?
    Anyone?
    Well actually that's been more amusing than sexy... the one time I did it to my partner. Not kinky so much as "What?" "It's a kitty."

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    1. Not that I'm admitting to anything... but you're not the only one.

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    2. People showing me the contrast between Cosmo-sex and people-who-like-each-other sex makes me go all wibbly, every time.

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    3. I draw on my partner in ballpoint. They have a whole skinny-person torso-canvas. Mostly smileyfaces, though.

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    4. Naked people are such fun for writing/drawing on! (not in lipstick though)

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  6. I read that as "two matching cock rings" at first.

    Might actually cancel girls' night for that >_>

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  7. The jewelry ad implies that trading expensive items for sex is normal - another form in which patriarchy treats women as whores.

    I freaking love these cosmockings. They're brilliant. :D

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    1. Not just sex, also giving up her social life.

      "Sorry, friends, you've been outbid!"

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    2. I think it's creepy because basically it's "Isolate your girlfriend! Let us show you how."

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    3. Suddenly that same ad could be for a "psychological thriller"-genre movie about domestic abuse.

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  8. My girlfriend reads Cosmo religiously. I thought she read it ironically. Your articles have helped me understand what the hell she is trying to accomplish when she does weird shit she never did before out of the blue. My biggest problem with Cosmo is their assumptions about how mixed signals and subtle hints will somehow magically be interpreted by these unfortunate women's partners. I'm a reasonably intelligent guy, masters degree in hand and an above average IQ. Half the time I've got no damn clue. I'm much more comfortable when she says "I want you to take control in the bedroom tonight" instead of sending up smoke signals and semaphore. She's slowly learning (or perhaps unlearning what she's been told all her life.) And I'm slowly figuring out how to communicate to her without stepping on toes. --Rob

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  9. "Caveman" bullshit aside, this doesn't even work. I've been biting my lips in the mirror for the last couple minutes, and unless I chomp down so hard it hurts, my lips look exactly the same afterwards. My teeth aren't bees.

    It works on my lips.

    A caveat: I do not have particularly full lips AND I am quite pale. Like, pasty levels of pale. If you already have full lips and your lips have some pigment in them, this tip is probably useless to you.

    Also, don't bite, suck, or lick your lips. Saliva has digestive enzymes in it that will dry out skin. If you really want to try this trick, press against your lips using your fingertips... but the effect won't last very long. I get a more noticeable effect from drinking something hot. (Or from orgasm or working out or taking a hot shower or anything that gets the blood moving.)

    Seriously, this is like a Victorian trick here, like pinching your cheeks to make them rosy. A coat of lipstick is easier, faster, and will last longer.

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    1. I have fairly pink lips naturally, so maybe that's why it didn't work on me.

      Still, though, seriously, there's this thing called lipstick.

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    2. Lipstick: not just for nipples any more!

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    3. Oh, great. No I look like I have a rash. Stupid Cosmo.

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  10. Fun fact: I bite my lips constantly when I'm nervous. This leads to canker sores! Canker sores are painful, unattractive, and generally unpleasant!

    I see nothing wrong with purple sparkly nipples. Actually I think they are FABULOUS and AWESOME and my only regret is that it is illegal to walk about with my tits out to show them off. My partners, however, have informed me that if I dye my nipples purple I will get NO SEX. DX

    Biting your lips to make them rosy works a lot better when makeup is assumed to make you a sex worker.

    I do actually disapprove of the "sir" quote. Because given that it's Cosmo and they use Cosmunication, they're probably doing kink without a safeword or negotiation beforehand, and that is Not On.

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    1. I have never been so happy about my ability to legally expose my nipples in public as I am right now.

      Now I just need to know where to find purple sparkly lipstick.

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    2. Thar.

      *walks away whistling*

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    3. Check state laws! I recently discovered that it is NOT illegal to be topless in new York, even as a woman. Although my policeman boyfriend urges me not to test it, id still like to print out the law and walk around naked up top. Maybe get a huge group with me?

      Any nude loving new yorkers out there?

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    4. This is the best article re: going topless in NYC. I kind of want to try it one day before I move out of the city, just to say that I did it!

      http://thegloss.com/beauty/sunday-in-the-park-with-boobs/

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  11. "3. Any dream that takes more than two sentences to describe, ever!

    I sure hope it's stuff like that, because wow, these are things nobody ever has to know! ""

    Hey, no, I love doing number three! Why shouldn't I do it?

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    1. Okay, I'll reluctantly amend that to "any dream that takes more than two sentences to describe and does not have a coherent plotline or meaning."

      I maintain that "and then I was in the mall, but it wasn't the mall, it was sort of like the mall I went to as a kid, and then there were giant fish on the walls, and I realized there were little kids who looked like cats eating candy, and then I had to ride on a horse"-type dreams generally are not interesting to other people.

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    2. Haha, I tell my boyfriend about my dreams all the time, but that's because they usually are quite visually interesting or memorably horrific, like the time I dreamed my six-year-old self getting shot... D:

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    3. I think it's valid to describe your dream over breakfast, but not at great length unless you're both amazed and/or laughing... (Also sometimes OK to describe your dream to the person you dreamed about.)

      flightless

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    4. So, it was totally okay to tell my man that "I had a dream last night about gay pirates. A gay pirate island, in fact."?

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  12. Okay, clearly most of this stuff is ridiculous, but Cosmo is totally right that you should never let your boyfriend know what you're doing when he's not around. I mean, do you expect your partner to be interested in, like, what your life is like and stuff? Pro-tip: if your boyfriend asks what you did today, it is a test. If you answer with anything other than stony silence, you have failed the test, and you will be SAD AND SINGLE. You'll have to catch some other man with mixed signals and sparkly nipples!

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    1. In next month's Cosmo- Letters to the editor sharing their own stories of when they fell for the "So what did you do today?" trap, and can't believe they were so foolish.
      Short followed by the in-depth expose: What the color of your sparkly nipples says to him!
      With a detailed explanation of how pink lets him know that your sweet and traditional, yellow tells him that you're silly and unpredictable, red says that you are sultry and fiery, and blue says you have a dark and sensitive side.

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  13. *facepalm* at Cosmo.

    *giggles* at Holly's comments.

    Purple sparkly nipples? I... just.... what? I don't get it. Honestly, when Cosmo gives these plain weird tips and calls them 'kinky,' I kind of just want to pat them on the head and say 'you have NO idea what kink actually is, do you?'

    The skills thing is just..... urgh. To me that says 'your only value is in looking pretty. Anything you actually DO is of no interest to the person who's supposed to love you.' Likewise the 'what you do when you're not with him' thing. Because God forbid a woman have a life outside of her boyfriend!

    Cosmo: reinforcing sexism and rigid gender roles to 18 million readers....

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  14. So, I don't know about "please come" or "please finish already," but in the general sense, knowing that the person I'm fucking is actively interested in my feeling good is, you know... good.

    Actually, knowing that is pretty much *necessary* for me, but being reminded of it (in pretty much any way) is nice.

    I can see where "oh god this kinda hurts I'm done now" is a turnoff, though.

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    1. I have no problem with "I want you to enjoy this," but I feel like specifically asking someone to come (unless you can tell they're just about to, in which case it's all good) does kinda imply you want them to be done already.

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    2. I'm one of those guys that takes forever, and I'm pretty insecure about it actually. And I know for a fact that if my partner asked me to come, I would never be able to.

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    3. Yeah, there's a fine line there between enthusiasm and pressure, and only one of them is good.

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    4. I don't know, if the guy is focusing too hard on holding back so he doesn't come "too early"...?

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    5. If I beg him to come on my face it seems to work great for both of us ^_^

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    6. I ask my hubby to come a lot. But not because I'm getting sore or bored. It's because I found out that when I do, he DOES. Every time. It's actually the only surefire way to get him over that last bump, if he's having trouble.

      And that's damn hot to me.

      --Mac

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    7. I've had good (hot) results from asking guys to come (bonus points for telling them *where* I'd like them to come), but for myself, being told/asked to come sometimes just makes me less able to do so.

      flightless

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    8. If I'm sore and he's not getting there, I finish with a BJ. We have it worked out that I usually get off first, and then, I can tell him to come when I've had my fill of fucking. If he can't get there, once again, it's what blow jobs are for. I don't know why some guys think fucking forever is a woman's dream. There was a time when I thought that's what good sex was. God, I do not miss those days.

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  15. I cannot figure out how the model is sitting. The more I look at the picture the more confused I am. Is that her right or her left leg? Where does that foot attach--*does* it attach? Is that horrid flesh-colored thing at the bottom another leg, and if so, how many does she *have*??

    I personally think lipstick tastes nasty. I would never want it on nipples as a result. Sharpie doesn't taste good either. Edible finger paint, now, that has potential. I'm sure someplace like the Erotic Bakery sells that.

    There is a rule in Britain that if an ad contains a "true-life" story the advertiser has to have a signed affidavit from the person whose story it is. This makes it a bit riskier to invent them out of whole cloth. Wish we could get that here.

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    1. Why would that British rule be a good thing to have here? What harm is Cosmo (or any other "Penthouse forum" style magazine section) doing by inventing stupid little stories like this? If it's the lack of consent that's at issue, that isn't at all solved by requiring them to only publish true stories (unfortunately).

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    2. They'd have to admit that their stories are just stories. That's all. Confusing fantasy and reality is generally considered bad for your mental health, if I recall correctly.

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    3. The harm in inventing stories is that it results in a culture of illusion, in which urban myths or conventional wisdoms are perpetuated without having any basis in reality.

      As a skeptic I have an issue with people inventing and propagating stories about ghosts, alien abductions, etc, but the harm caused by those pale in comparison to the harm that's caused by perpetuating skewed views on gender roles or sex because people invent stories like this.

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    4. Again, if you think requiring them to stick to true stories would keep them from perpetuating skewed views on gender roles, that's very naive. Skewed views on gender roles permeate people's real lives. Your solution does not fit the problem you've identified. And it creates a new problem: government policing the truth of stories that no one is relying on for anything. The British equilibrium of high speech regulation is a bad one.

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  16. "3. Any dream that takes more than two sentences to describe, ever!"
    I don't get this whole 'other peoples' dreams are boring' thing. Dreams are fucking *fascinating.* When I'd sleep over at my best friend's house when I was younger, we'd tell each other about our dreams in the morning. It was really interesting and occasionally hilarious.

    Re: The nurses having sex at work story: Dubious veracity and possible icky implications aside, I always find it kind of insulting to the woman when it's automatically assumed that, without question, she was manipulated into consenting. If the man used his authority to coerce her into it, that is absolutely a terrible thing, and that does sometimes happen, but we should be recognizing that the woman has agency and may be perfectly able to consent. I'm not accusing anyone here of having this attitude overtly, but these kinds of responses always remind me of the 'women are delicate flowers who must be protected and can't make decisions for themselves' trope.

    ""My guy and I will be at lunch and I'll say things like 'Yes, master,' and 'Whatever you say, sir.' He gets the hint that it's time to tell me what to do. It's a huge turn-on, and the sex later is super passionate because of it. "
    Wow, that's, uhhh, something I never expected to see in Cosmo. If consent has been discussed and everyone's happy... that's great for her! (Said in the least sarcastic way possible.)

    "You ever get that feeling where you don't know exactly why something is wrong... you just know that it is?"
    Ewww, all the gross implications. Buying women jewelry to manipulate them into doing what you want. The idea that women only like shiny things and the money that buys them. The idea that a woman will drop everything if you buy her something shiny, implying that she doesn't genuinely care about you *or* her friends. And, of course, the (possible, maybe I'm looking too far into this) idea that she's staying in to have sex - because of course women only want sex if you buy them things, and of course it's okay to manipulate women into sex.

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    1. I think the problem with the nurses-having-sex-at-work thing is that he is a nurse, she is a nurse's *assistant*. There's a power differential there and it makes true consent, while maybe not impossible, very very murky ground to tread. I think Holly has mentioned this before but, to that nurse guy, her genuine enthusiastic consent to hooking up wouldn't look any different from her just going along with it/acting like she wanted it out of fear of losing her job or any other of the many things her direct supervisor has the ability to take away from her if she makes him angry. It's not a "women are delicate flowers who need to be protected and can't make decisions for themselves", it's "more powerful side of a power differential initiating sexual contact has so many icky implication that muddy the waters of consent."

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    2. I agree with that to an extent, but I think *automatically assuming* that any sex in that kind of situation is non-consensual is insulting to the 'lower-ranked' partner.

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    3. Okay, this story could go either way, but it's lacking any information that would make consent in any way clear, and I think that's what makes it sort of ambiguously-icky. The nurse is the one who invites her into the room, initiating the encounter, and the story-teller fails to describe any sort of pre-existing flirting or horny feelings on her part. It's just so... unnecessarily problematic.

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    4. I think the point isn't so much that the lesser-ranked partner *can't* consent so much as the higher-ranked partner needs to be responsible enough to never put them in that position.

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    5. I don't think the woman in the story was manipulated into consenting.

      But I think the nurse's method of propositioning her was sinister in the extreme. Tricking your subordinate into an isolated area with you and locking the door is not behavior that suggests "things are going to go just fine if you say no to me now!"

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    6. I read it as that they locked the door after mutually agreeing to hook up.

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    7. Yeah, DFL, I read it the same way. But, Holly, I agree with you too - in this or any other situation, every partner should make it clear that either answer to "Do you want to have sex with me?" is acceptable. The story should have included some more detail to make it clear to readers that it was consensual (if in fact it was.) The only thing that bothers me is that default assumption that some people have that because of the female nurse's position, she was unable to consent. Promoting enthusiastic consent is absolutely a good thing. I just think it should be done while also keeping in mind someone's ability to make decisions for themselves.

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    8. FWIW, I would be equally uncomfortable with a female nurse taking her male subordinate to an isolated area, locking the door, and proposing sex. I mean, supervisor-employee sex isn't necessarily rapey, but that is certainly a rapey way to do it.

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    9. I agree that the power differential is problematic here. If he were interested in her, he should have asked her about it in some sort of open, normal way - both as a professional and out of respect for her personally instead of putting her in a potentially awkward situation. I also find it distasteful that two professionals would get it on in a hospital where they work WHILE they're getting paid to work - but hey that's a whole other can of worms.

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    10. Ozy (and others) - Yeah, I see what you mean now with the way he chose to do it being possibly rapey. I still believe that the power differential doesn't preclude consent, but I can see that he went about it in a bad way (assuming that they'd never done this before.)

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  17. I'm surprised you skipped over the whole "tee hee I gaslighted my roommate because she was messy and it worked, aren't I cute" article.

    Didn't they have an article about gaslighting a couple of months ago? And not "how to do it", either.

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    1. Oh yeah, I noticed that one! The one where she committed grand theft auto and was damn lucky her roommate responded with "my car's moving around for no reason, I must be going crazy!" and not with "what the hell have you been doing with my car!"

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  18. Lord Domly Pants's BaneFebruary 16, 2012 at 8:08 PM

    'Male nurse', Urgh! Nurse, they are nurses, damn it! It would be clear in context the first time they used 'he', they don't have to use that horrible tradition of a nurse is a woman unless it is a 'male nurse'.

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    1. Yes! The "a doctor is male, a nurse is female" dichotomy has plagued healthcare for WAY too long. And nurses who happen to be male are not always gay; that then gets into gay stereotypes (that a gay man is basically an honorary woman).

      Nursing being seen as a "woman's profession" has held nurses back for so long, and made it so hard for them to fight for fair pay, fair hours, and safe nurse-to-patient ratios.

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  19. Another thing that's weird about the "falling in love in 90 minutes or less" thing is that you've also only known the guy for 90 minutes - why do you want him to be in love with you? Isn't that a lot like acquiring a random stalker? I, personally, aim for "you seem pretty awesome" in 90 minutes.

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  20. I don't need to know what she does when I'm not with her. That's one of those things that's right for the wrong reasons. The opposite of it would obviously be wrong. She's allowed to have a life.

    Also:
    "I like being tied up, but asking kills the submissive vibe"
    Depends how you ask. And being tied up isn't the same as submitting, even if it doesn't preclude it.

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    1. IMO, the thing that makes it icky is the implication behind saying "he doesn't need to know," which is that you really shouldn't tell him and you're burdening him with the information if you do. I tell my boyfriend about things I do when he's not there because I like talking to him and I like knowing about each others' lives. He does the same for me. It's not necessarily a control thing.

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  21. What I find really weird is this girl who is just barely 18 is on the cover of Cosmo, and that she has the boobs of a 23-year-old and the face of a 10-year-old. (Not that teenaged girls don't have big boobs, but I know that Selena Gomez doesn't.) Also, she's sitting on the cover with her legs suggestively open. I mean, she's 19 (I looked that up just now), but still. She looks so young. It's so weird.

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    1. You can tell boobs of a 23-year-old from boobs of an 18-year-old? Amazing.

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    2. Boobology is a complex and fascinating science.

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  22. As soon as I saw "3 things he doesn't need to know," I knew that none of the things on the list would actually belong there.

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  23. Ergh, the nurse thing reminds me of one of the most terrifying experiences I've ever had at work. I was a cashier at a late-night food place, and there was a customer who'd been sitting around for hours just watching me. I went to clean the bathroom, and he followed me in and closed the door and blocked it with his body. "This is sexy" would have been my 10000000th thought at the moment, although I remember "IS HE GOING TO LET ME LEAVE?" topping the list, followed closely by "WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF HE DOESN'T?"

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    1. (should have specified--I asked to leave the bathroom, and he let me, but he did show up again the next day and get all miffed when I threatened to call the police. He was all like "what's your problem, lady, oh you think you're so cute or something? Whatever, I'm not here to see you." I never saw him again)

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    2. Exactly, even if I was attracted to them this would be an absolute nightmare. You don't ask somebody to help you at work and then lead them into a secluded room, you just don't. It's not sexy it is horrifying.

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  24. To be fair about the nurse thing, it does say "we locked the door". Still, he shouldn't have led her to an isolated room to proposition her.

    Add me to the list of people who find a lot of dreams fascinating. Mind you, I'm one of the lucky ones whose partner sometimes has astonishingly detailed and structured dreams, the kind I used to think only happened to fictional characters.

    "Things [your partner] doesn't need to know": details about what you just flushed down the toilet bowl. Although even that might be excused if it's followed immediately with, "...and that's why I need to get to a hospital right now."

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    1. Oh dear. I guess me and my partner are too coupled... it's not a strange occurance to comment on loo matters. But only when it's just the two of us. We even did it before moving together.

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    2. Well, this may be another YMMV.

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  25. Huh. I myself LOVE some FF7 fanfiction. :D

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    1. I think there are some FF7 fanfic that the vast majority of people don't need to know about, such as "Chocobo Nights" and "Cloud Mows The Lawn". "Cloud Mows The Lawn" caters to a very specific fetish (not lawncare, btw), and "Chocobo Nights" is just... WTF?

      I am a conneisueir of bad fanfiction. It's not something to be proud of, really.

      Delete
    2. You and me both! I do so love crack fic...whatever floats your boat, right? And doujinshi, I love some doujinshi, but Jesus, DJs are in the scummy neighborhood of bad fanfiction...they often have this horrible 'rape' overtone that makes me incredibly uncomfortable. But that's a different story.

      Delete
    3. I regularly trawl the "So Bad It's Horrible" page of TVTropes for fanfiction, and I read sporkings. I do have trouble with some of the 'classic' trollfics like My Immortal and Brewdening Love. The spelling gives me a headache. (Although I am trying to 'scriptize' Brewdening Love, sticking in lots of gay ...text [what I'm doing can't really be called subtext]. Because the author is a very homophobic 'Christina' fundamentalist and the easiest way to get her to rant is to bring up slash shipping with her 'carroters' such as Brian/Hugo. And Pokemon, because Pikachu is Satan. \m/)

      I do read the good stuff too, just less often.

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  26. IN COSMO'S DEFENSE!

    I work retail and there are times when I don't want to even admit to knowing people. Or, to quote my mom's office, "We Hate People."

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  27. "Because if there's one thing your boyfriend doesn't need to know, it's that he's dating a person."

    As long as her nipples are sparkly enough who cares?

    Oddly enough I might even go so far as to say it matters what sort of person, Mossad assassin or Peace Corps? Republican senator or hactivist? supermodel or paramedic?

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  28. Man, I love Showgirls on so many levels, I think it's the unheralded companion piece to Starship Troopers... but absolutely nothing in that movie should ever be attempted by anyone.

    oh, i dunno - epiliptic orgams look like they might be fun. assuming you avoid a concussion and/or biting your tongue off...


    but seriously; i used to a "housemom" at a strip club [read: babysitter. not even joking - my jobs were, in order of priority, to: keep the dancers from fighting, keep them from stealing from each other, bring them food and snacks, help the with certain costumes, and make sure they don't do drugs *on the premises*, don't get *too* drunk, and don't have sex with customers*] and many of the dancers WOULD use color on their aerolas [did i spell that right?]. and glitter. and lots of other body-painting happened.

    but that's a totally different context than doing it at home - the taste thing would be an issue, as someone mentioned.



    *this wasn't a firm rule, though it was supposed to be. if a guy shelled out enough, management would look the other way. i never got in trouble directly for stopping it, but i pissed off quite a few people - i don't necessarily have a problem with consensual prositution; i had a problem with not even being able to be sure it WAS consensual, and a BIG problem being asked to be involved in what is, after all, an illegal activity that our judicial system tends to only punish women for. there was NO fucking way i was going to take the fall for the managers and owner of the club because they asked me to play "shut-eyed chaperone". so i wouldn't help, and often stopped. especially the dancers who WOULD NOT do such things when sober, and didn't drink, but were suspiciously "drunk" and telling me "oh, $2000, my boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/husband will TOTALLY UNDERSTAND if it's for $2000!"

    heh. when i got fired, a good half the dancer quit. i wonder why?

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  29. Denelien I love you. No one should get drugged and raped no matter how much hush money she gets

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    1. that's the gods own truth.


      the whole "well, she's a stripper, it's not big deal if she also has sex with a guy" attitude pissed me off, and what else could i do?
      i grant i did nothing about the dancers who didn't act suspiciously drunk and who claimed to have no problem with it at times when they hadn't been drinking or high. if they willing did so, not my business. it was the NOT willing - or the ones i thought weren't willing - where i stepped in. a couple times, i was wrong and they were truly willing, annoyed that i interfered but also reassured by the fact that i was willing to interfere if i didn't know they were consenting...



      i'd like to think that *most* people would act the same. i'm not sure i believe it anymore, but it helps to know that there ARE people who WOULD act the same, even if it isn't "most people". so thank you for that!

      and thankfully, the place has been shut down - so far as i know, it was the *ONLY* strip club in this area that turned a blind eye to prostitution, so when they started cracking down on prostitution here, it was the first business caught in the net. i didn't testify, no one asked me and when i volunteered... well, i worked phone sex, so i wasn't a good witness. *shrug*

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    2. There is all the difference in the world between choosing to sell a service as an adult who retains the ability to consent and getting rufied. I can why you might be a bit a bit squicky about the first (personally I think it isn't your business), the point is you did something about the women who were getting *raped*! Go you!

      the whole "well, she's a stripper, it's not big deal if she also has sex with a guy" attitude pissed me off, and what else could i do?

      I get that, I hate the way people blur the lines in the sex industry. My thing is just "She was ok with it so who cares if she has sex with the guy" However, I'd prefer they didn't do it out of strip clubs so as to avoid pressure on the women who should only be expected to do their own job(strip not turn tricks).

      Delete
  30. "Your Orgasm Guaranteed -- the new trick experts swear by!" <- Experts? We have a common word for people who are experts on sexin'...

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    1. Well, at 10,000 hours, if we assume that non sexual contact foreplay doesn't count you're looking at a minimum of 20,000 sex acts. Or 54 years assuming one instance of sex a day. So the common word would have to be old. Why old people are participating in Cosmo confuses me, but whatever.

      I realize that 30 minutes can be considered long or short for some people, in fact for most people probably long, but my head balked at 82 years of sex.

      Delete
    2. We don't slut-shame here, Mewshi.

      I mean, the hypocrisy it would involve alone...

      Delete
    3. I guess I'm the only one who though Mewshi was suggesting "sexperts" :-)

      Delete
  31. Yes Mewshi several

    Lucky, skilled, and enviable to name a few.

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  32. LDPB;

    i agree - if she [or he, if there had been male dancers] wanted to do so, it wasn't my business [though, like you, i wish they'd have gone elsewhere.] i was probably a bit overzealous, hence those few times i stopped something the dancer wanted to do - but in my mind, better to check and BE SURE it wasn't rape. i grant that i *am* a bit squicky, partly because i don't want to go to jail for accessory, but mostly because many of the women i've known who've practiced prostitution wouldn't if they felt they had better options. i question meaningful consent in such situations - but i'm neither their mother nor their judge; i'm their friend. it's my job to be supportive until/unless they ask [or OBVIOUSLY need] a kick in the ass, which i do in a [what i hope is a] totally non-judgmental way. ["Sure, Baby, you make a lot of money this way. and you feel like shit and cry on my shoulder every time. you've saved a LOT, why not finally go back to school and go into that career you've wanted to go into?" type kicking, is what i mean]


    for the others - LAST thing i'm going to do is sit by while someone i know [someone i WORK with!] is being raped. do not have it in me.
    and the attitude about anyone in the sex industry just makes me want to start killing people. really, truly does. not even just personal reasons [since i've worked several areas myself] but for all the 18-y-o who get talking into one specific job [stripping, phone sex, porn] and then so many people who think "she does X, she'll do Y". !!! stripping =/= prostitution! porn =/= prostitution! and NONE of them - even prostitution - means it's ok to rape!!!


    i don't even know WHY this is a problem, but it is. prostitutes are people, too.
    i should make a button that says that or something.

    it really, truly makes me angry [the only things that make me as angry are rape, DV and child abuse. ok, and fundies.]

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    Replies
    1. :) You are so awesome.

      Delete
    2. well, i do try :)
      [and i hope i succeed!]

      though, seriously, i don't want to be awesome. i want to be normal.
      i mean, i want my attitude and actions to be the norm, so that it's not "me being awesome", but rather "that's what a normal human being does." it's why i hang out here at Holly's blog - it's nice to associate, even at one remove [a la teh intratubes] with people who think the same way. like you, and Holly, and the couple hundred other people around :D

      Delete
    3. Yeah me too, I want to be ordinary. We should start, 'this should be normal' munch, heh.

      "prostitutes are people"

      I certainly hope so!! The alternatives are alarming. ROFL.

      Delete
  33. As far as "Please come," I think it there's a difference between "Go ahead and come" and "Hurry the hell up and finish already," and "Please come" is ambiguous enough to be either, especially depending on the past relationship context.

    That's an especially crappy thing about Cosmo, as other people have said, the way it totally eliminates individual nuance and the fact that "guys" and "girls" are individual people.

    I think I've said, "I'm good, you can do whatever gets you off," or something along those lines when I had already come, especially if it wasn't blatantly obvious that I did.

    Sometimes I have really intense orgasms and am really vocal; other times I'm very quiet. Between that and some weird sensitivity issues and a pain/pleasure threshold that seems to change on me without warning, I try to communicate clearly. I don't always manage it, because good sex seems to melt my brain, but I try.

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  34. I hate all jewelry ads. Not just because they reinforce the worst of our misguided cultural views on sex and relationships, but because they are LAZY.

    Seriously, there are about 3 different jewelry ads: "diamonds = love", "she'll HAVE to fuck you/suck your dick if you buy her some", and, my least favorite, "better hurry up and buy her an engagement ring before she dumps your sorry ass for someone who WILL buy her a ring".

    All jewelry ads are a variation on one of those three themes, they just come up with different images and different ways to phrase the copy.

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    1. Kay's has that shit as their SLOGAN!

      And don't even get me started on "He went to Jared!"

      Small business jewelers are more likely to just have a "this is what we do, we have good prices and good service and are located here" ads, and aren't nearly so bad though.

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  35. The sparkly nipple thing would work for me (if you could find something that didn't taste nasty anyway), but mostly because it's a visual way of saying "I want you to pay attention to my breasts". Lingerie does the same thing of drawing attention to areas of special erogenous interest. (Wearing any lingerie defined as "sexy" also conveys the message "I want to be admired and desired" just by wearing it for a lover.)

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  36. Hershele OstropolerFebruary 29, 2012 at 9:11 AM

    Rereading this, I'm annoyed by "throw him a bone." Because I see that bullshit all the time from certain segments of the population: "women run everything now, women make the rules." What it usually means is that with this equality shit, women are being taken as seriously as men. Which is obviously not true, but also should be true, and acting like it's some horrible thing for men is bad.

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    1. Also bad: suggesting that doing so isn't in any way condescending toward the boyfriend either.

      "That's a good boy, see? Something even someone as dumb and incompetent as you can handle [say, navigating through a crowded park, as in the example]."

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  37. I'm probably not the first person to state this in a very obvious way, but there is a huge chasm between the portrayal of women in the media and real, flesh-and-blood women. And the same applies to men as well. Sadder still, women and men actually pick up these very artificial portrayals as natural and not only something that must be aspired to but something that you must be to be socially accepted.

    It boggles the mind how some people can't see this.

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  38. Holly, I love you so much for the "make him chase you" commentary. It seems to me that I see that expectation held by so many men and women I know and I wish I knew how to explain more plainly to them (as you did) why it's an unhealthy rule to follow.

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