Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Cosmocking: February '12! Part One!

Light pink cover!  With light yellow text!  Shouldn't they run this stuff past a grown-up at some point between crayon-based layout and printing 3 million copies?  Anyway the thing that is "Too Naughty To Say Here!" is 69!  How can that be too naughty?  It's a number!  "This Decision Could Cost You Your Life!"  They mean the decision for a woman to be alone at night!  Because it's too goddamn dangerous for us to live like fucking humans!
The Naughtiest Thing I've Ever Done: "I had sex in the middle of my wedding--twice"
I wanted this to mean on the altar.  That would be a much better naughty thing.  If the minister is halfway through reading them the vows and has to take a break for "for richer or for poorer... oh come on, knock that off!"  And then again during the reception they just swept a bunch of chaffing dishes off the buffet table and started going at it with "I dare you to tell me to stop" looks on their faces.

Instead, though, it means this:
As [the maid of honor] was bustling my dress, John walked in.
"Is everything okay?" he asked.
"Just a minor emergency," I said.
"Can I help?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Knowing that my maid of honor's vision was blocked by the layers of my dress, I mouthed "Seriously?" He nodded.  We were really going to do it.
This might be a matter of feminism making me all sensitive, but is anyone else kinda sketched by how that went down?  She didn't go "oh yeah," she went "seriously?"  That's the reaction of someone who's being told not asked.  If she was uncomfortable with having sex during the wedding--you know, not "I absolutely will not," uncomfortable, but just "I don't actually feel good about this" uncomfortable--did she have a graceful way out?

I'm not saying it was literally rape.  But it reflects an ucky, ucky view of consent that this was presented as an enviably sexy story.
Caught Two-Timing!
This is photos of celebrities wearing the same clothing item more than once.  Seriously.  In one case it's shoes.  If it's gauche to rewear shoes, I've been caught eight-hundred-timing.
Guys told us the topics they're dying to quiz you on.. but don't for fear of being bitch-slapped.
"Are you on birth control?"
Dying to quiz you on?  That's a question that's important to ask before sex and utterly irrelevant otherwise.  Unless they're still in some sort of high school mindset that taking birth control means you're a slut who will totally put out, I guess.
[Clue he's secretly into you] His thumbs point up.  A guy is mentally giving you a good review if he unknowingly does something like holding his beer glass with his thumb to the sky.
Oh Cosmo.  There's also one where he's secretly into you if he makes the ASL sign for "I love you," which raises a fascinating question: What if he doesn't know ASL?  Is this some kind of Jungian collective unconscious ASL springing forth?  That could revolutionize our understanding of language and the brain!
Shocker: This Word Is a Turn-Off To Guys
It's not "marriage" or "period." According to our most recent crop of Cosmo Bachelors, it's the F bomb--more than half said it's unattractive. [...] Experts say it's like burping. He knows you do it, but he'd rather think you don't... so you maintain a sexy, girlie mystique.
Yeah... Fuck that fucking steaming mound of fucking bullshit.  I'm a fucking person and I will use all of the words available to fucking people.  I will talk like I fucking want.  I will accustom men to the idea that some women say "fuck" a fuckload and others don't because we're fucking people and we're fucking different.

My ninth grade English teacher tried to convince the girls not to swear by saying "if you say it, people will think you do it."  Slut-shaming aside... so "shit" is still cool then, right?

Probably not by Cosmo standards.  Do you really want everyone knowing you have a digestive system?
Q: I asked my guy to spank me, and he said no. Does he think I'm a total freak?
A: [...] The next time you're having sex, grasp his hand, put it on your ass, and tell him you'll do anything if he gives you a light smack.
Pre-feminism: "No means try harder, guys!"
Post-feminism: "No means try harder, everyone!"
Progress.
If you want to be focused during a big presentation, try this: wear red nail polish. [...] Because it has the longest wavelength in the color spectrum, people might need to look longer to process it, so all eyes will be on you.
The furthest visible red is about 750 nanometers.  Divide that by the speed of light, and you get... 2.502 x 10-15 seconds to view a cycle of red light.  That's 2.5 femtoseconds.  Your audience will be captivated for femtoseconds.

(The human eye and brain take about 1/15th of a second to process images anyway, but we're already so far into the realm of cartoon logic, I hate to even bring that up.)



There is too much terrible in this Cosmo to finish in one entry!  Part Two will be up late today or early tomorrow!  Thanks to Rowdy for color math and @tinam2011 for co-Cosmocking!

52 comments:

  1. "Are you on birth control?"

    Outside of relationships, I always thought of this question as a code for "I wonder if there's the possibility to badger her into doing it without a condom."

    So yeah, I kinda see the potential for slapping here.

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  2. Oh yuck. I didn't even consider that one.

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  3. "Sexy, girlie mystique"? Ugh. I've never gotten what's so sexy about that. The whole 'delicate little ethereal faerie'-thing just doesn't hold any sex appeal to me. People want to have sex with an idea instead of an actual person?

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  4. That's what I was thinking too with the birth control thing. I've had more than one guy ask why we can't have sex without a condom if I'm on birth control. It's offputting, and sometimes I counter with "condoms or a medical certificate that you're 100% clean. Your choice."

    - Muertealkitsch

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  5. "If you want to be focused during a big presentation, try this: wear red nail polish. [...] Because it has the longest wavelength in the color spectrum, people might need to look longer to process it, so all eyes will be on you."

    This is like saying "If you want to save time on your morning commute, buy a longer car!"

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  6. "Outside of relationships, I always thought of this question as a code for "I wonder if there's the possibility to badger her into doing it without a condom.""

    Guys like that also don't seem to see the utility in using more than one form of birth control at once. Cuz if it fails, it's her problem, amiright?

    Urgh.


    ~TJ_Rowe

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  7. "This is photos of celebrities wearing the same clothing item more than once. Seriously. In one case it's shoes. If it's gauche to rewear shoes, I've been caught eight-hundred-timing."

    Oh noes, rewearing clothes! How pheasant!

    As for shoes, since I don't have a lot of discretionary income to spend on clothing/shoes, I frequently will wear pairs of shoes until they have holes in the soles. Then I might start considering replacing.

    Cosmo should be protested by every environmental group out there for that one, given how this sentiment only promotes mindless waste.
    -Jeremy

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    1. I my fantasy-world which probably isn't true celebs give away their used clothes to charity or sell them on; such that the clothes all get a sensible amount of use, just not by the original buyer.

      I still think it's daft though (new shoes are really uncomfortable for me, I much prefer them once I've had them a few months).

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  8. I can imagine a tone for "Seriously?" that communicates excitement, but it's still not a yes. I also didn't notice a yes from that maid of honor.

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  9. I was originally going to comment on the ramifications of the multiple shoe use comment, but really, after the idiocy with the wavelength comment that seems minor. It's like Cosmo is completely unaware of this whole "observation concept", and hasn't realized that the hypothesis that it takes longer to notice red things is shot down every time they look at the world, it has something red in it, and there isn't a perceptible delay between everything else appearing and the red appearing. Looking at a rainbow and not seeing it appear one stripe at a time utterly demolishes that hypothesis.

    I sincerely hope Cosmo refrains from ever writing anything about science when the stakes are higher. It is all too easy to see them giving out recommendations to try "medicine" which has never actually been tested and actually causes harm.

    - Kate

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  10. @Jeremy: Was 'pheasant' there a 1066 reference? Because that would totally make my day.

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  11. Yes, there is a T-shaped piece of copper in my uterus. No, that does not tell you anything about who I am willing to have sex with. Is this really a difficult concept?

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  12. Good heavens... don´t stop the Cosmocking! We must taunt the 1950´s until it runs back to the chamber of horrors where it belongs!

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  13. The "seriously?" thing reminded me of something you once said, Holly. I'm probably paraphrasing badly, but you once mentioned how you tend to excise the less titillating details from sex posts, so "he obtained my consent and put on a condom and fucked me hard" becomes just "he fucked me hard", and the consent and condom are understood. I got a similar feeling from the "seriously?" thing. Doesn't she go on to say it was her favorite part of the wedding? (Yes, I read the whole thing - grocery checkout, I swear.) If she's writing so enthusiastically about it, I think consent is understood, even if the specific words are omitted from the article.

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  14. Orgasmia - Fair enough, but the vibe I got from the total story wasn't that they'd edited out consent but that consent consisted of her failing to say "no" and her collaborating in getting the maid of honor out of the room.

    Like I said, I'm not accusing this of being rape in any way, just really sketchy can't-tell-if-it's-enthusiastic consent.

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  15. ...am I the only one saw the line "welcome to your Cosmo years, Dakota!" and thought "Dakota, RUN AND KEEP RUNNING"?

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  16. Science: applicable to social situations without any adjustment, thought, or real understanding of the principles at hand/what the fuck you're saying.

    I'm also kind of amused that "Over half" of the men polled found swearing unattractive. O-kaaay. Let's just do whatever "over half" of all men like and then everything will be peachy. I just have to figure out how to do this without asking them directly. (But polling is apparently okay.) How do Cosmo girls' heads not explode?

    Science: When two pieces of information contradict, the mind takes a first-in, first-out policy (ever notice that your earliest memories are completley gone and it's much harder to remember your childhood than what you did an hour ago?) and you will constantly believe the most readily available piece of information, thus holding two contradictory beliefs but never at exactly the same time.

    ...that actually sounds more logical than Cosmo. Damn, I didn't think it would be that hard. Much respect, Holly, for anytime you mock these guys and get the tone right. I don't think I ever could.

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  17. I Scream 'Vanilla'January 11, 2012 at 2:53 PM

    At least they put the word "Vagina" on the cover rather than "vajajay" or some other dehumanising euphemism. Welcome to the 21st Century at last!

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  18. I think it says something about my Cosmo-numbed mental state that I didn't even notice that the word "vagina" was on the cover.

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  19. Also, wear lots of heavy jewellery. This will increase your mass, which will increase your field of gravity, causing light to take more time to reflect off and move away from you.

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  20. @I Scream 'Vanilla' - but then they went embarrassingly out of their way throughout the actual article to avoid saying it again. They actually referred to the vulva as the "vajayjay area."

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  21. Kate- They've already told people to perform CPR on passed out drunk women who have "shallow breathing".

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  22. Also, if you're late for work, remember that driving fast enough at a red light will make it turn green.

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  23. shit went too fast now it's violet

    sorry officer

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  24. I'm at a loss as to how you'd make the sign for "I love you" on accident. It's not really a natural hand shape.

    I haven't read the actual article, but I know I would prefer tips on how to actually be a good speaker, how to calm myself and stay focused and how to engage with the audience far more than accessory tips, but that's just me.

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  25. Jak:

    That sign makes a pretty good stretching exercise; I use it unconsciously sometimes for that purpose.

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  26. Even though Dakota's head isn't at a weird angle... they still managed to mess up her neck.

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  27. @Leah - Seriously, it looks like Han when Greedo shot first; but rather than a blaster bolt, she's avoiding "His Best Sex Ever"

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  28. "Make your hair grow fast." Ooh, I know -- on the wavelength theory (especially if you have wave-y hair, ha ha!), dye it red to make it long. Or do you dye it violet to make it fast? I'm sooooo confused! Science is haarrd!

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  29. Yeah, so the wedding sex thing is sketchy, but when you add that it is during the ceremony about, you know, redefining the relationship... it sort of gains an entire order of sketch magnitude.

    Honor and obey, I guess. :(

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  30. I love reading your Cosmoking posts, Holly. You are hilarious. I cannot comment on the red polish advice idea, because I think it broke my brain. On the other hand, when I was asked about birth control it was clearly with the "why do we need a condom?" idea. And then we didn't. Funny how that works.

    Thorn

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  31. I also didn't notice a yes from that maid of honor.

    That would be because I fail at reading comprehension, and thought they were going at it with the maid of honor in the room, relying on her dress for concealment. It's still tacky, but it's not creating a nonconsenting audience.

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  32. "I wonder if there's the possibility to badger her into doing it without a condom."

    Not even "badger" necessarily, but, yeah. The implication of this query to my mind is "so we can bareback, right?" So, yeah, even if it's not meant, the implication still might be there, so, hard to ask. I realise this is stupid. The subconscious programming still exists.

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  33. Also, I have several pairs of boots that are more than 10 years old. I guess that makes me something like a three-thousand-plus-timer. Yeesh.

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  34. Holly,

    Through your blog, you have helped to make me the writer and person I am today, and I wish to extend my most heartfelt thanks for the work that you do by nominating you for the Liebster Blog Award.

    (For more info and to see how to nominate others, see the post on my blog: http://lifeasareader.blogspot.com/2012/01/liebester-blog-award.html)

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  35. With new sexual partners I usually ask "So apart from condoms, are you using any additional method of birth control?". That heads off any possibility of it being misinterpreted as a 'hey baby, so are you a slut/can we bareback?' thing, plus it subtly reinforces the idea that condom use should come as a matter of course.

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  36. "If you want to be focused during a big presentation, try this: wear red nail polish. [...] Because it has the longest wavelength in the color spectrum, people might need to look longer to process it, so all eyes will be on you."

    BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

    Oh cosmo, you's trollin':

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bMLrA_0O5I

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  37. I think you're reading too much into that one to be honest. I took it to mean "seriously?" as in an excited "you're not joking?" rather than a "what the fuck?".

    It's still pretty ugh, though. Assuming it's true (which is quite an assumption really), I'd imagine the other woman knew exactly what was going on. I mean, urgh, why would you want to do that right in front of your friend? Tackyyy.

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    1. See... yah I totally read that as the "you're not joking" question. Because there is an element of, "Are you kidding around, or is this something you actually want to do?" At which point, a devilish grin on her part can be enough for "I'm game."

      That said, her friend was busy bustling the dress. (Which is generally after the ceremony so you don't trip on the damn train during the reception.) I assuming she was keeping the *conversation* hushed, so the bridesmaid wouldn't realize why they took so long to "catch up" after she left to go to the reception. And of course, she probably knew they stayed behind for exactly that, but, so what? They're newlyweds. Good for them.

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  38. I always found the whole "celebrities can't wear clothes more than one" aspect of celebrity idolization to be the most baffling. That and the fact that even 50+ year old celebrities are bashed in the rags for having any amount of wrinklage/fat which is just...disturbing. The thing I don't understand the most about it is that those stupid articles are directed at NORMAL people. I have never met anyone in my entire life that doesn't re-wear their goddam clothes. Is it just supposed to reinforce the idea that celebrities are SO RICH they buy new shoes every day??

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  39. Hershele OstropolerJanuary 12, 2012 at 12:22 PM

    The Naughtiest Thing I've Ever Done: "I had sex in the middle of my wedding--twice"

    There's a tradition in Jewish weddings called yichud when the bride and the groom are left alone for a brief period. What they do is up to them, but the duration is supposed to be long enough to consummate the marriage.

    My point being that if the sex was with her new husband, it's not all that "naughty"* Particularly if it's effectively (or actually) rape.

    *Tangentially, can we have a moratorium on using that word about adult women? I suspect that would require recognizing that "adult" and "woman" are not mutually exclusive.

    I'm not saying it was literally rape. But it reflects an ucky, ucky view of consent that this was presented as an enviably sexy story.

    People have, unsurprisingly, had the same response I would have. But I think, if this actually happened, she wouldn't be telling a national audience if she hadn't genuinely consented. As far into relationships as people marry, they may have been at the point where it's not unreasonable for him to take not saying no as consent; the point where he had a pretty good idea of her reactions and body language, and she was confident that she could stop any sex she didn't want to have.

    If it's fiction, obviously, it doesn't reflect any actual humans being raped or coerced or pressured into sex.

    My ninth grade English teacher tried to convince the girls not to swear by saying "if you say it, people will think you do it." Slut-shaming aside... so "shit" is still cool then, right?

    There's a Lenny Bruce bit about why Catholics think "fuck" is worse than "shit" and Jews don't.

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  40. But but but femtoseconds are the girliest, most alluring seconds! Surely they will make everyone think of sexy sex, and they will give you what you want because you are sexy and fearless and the mistress of all things hint-y and tenuous! Sexiest units of tiiiiiime!

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  41. What happened to the comment layout? It's suddenly in a weird vertically-squashed-together font that my eyes are finding it really difficult to process.

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  42. Anon - The comments are now nestable!

    ...In theory. Doesn't seem to be working at the moment. Also I agree the font is awkward. I'll go into the Pervocracy's guts and try to work on it.

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  43. Lain - this is how I think it works:

    Celebrities nowadays are, in large part, idolized for being beautiful; their appearance is part of their "brand." Therefore it's expected that they show off their bodies in different garments all the time (or, maybe we're living vicariously through the famous people and want to imagine that they're so rich they really don't ever wear the same thing twice, so the famous people are trying to oblige).

    But the thing is...first we as a society put these people up on a pedestal, but then we get jealous and want to tear them down again. That's why the "OMG SHE WORE THOSE SHOES TWICE!" articles are aimed at "normal" people - it's meant to be "Ha ha, this bitch thinks she's so great but really she's just like us."

    (Nested comments aren't working for me)

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  44. Sadly, no comment nesting for me either. In reply to The Red 9:

    "As for shoes, since I don't have a lot of discretionary income to spend on clothing/shoes, I frequently will wear pairs of shoes until they have holes in the soles. Then I might start considering replacing."

    And hey, if you catch them before the soles wear all the way through, any shoe repair place can re-sole them for you - much cheaper than new shoes, and very fast (often while-you-wait). Often a good thing to do regularly even if the soles aren't on their way to destruction yet, especially if you're like me and wear your heels off unevenly. (Shoes are much more comfy if they're not lopsided!) This way, I can wear my shoes until I wear a hole into the actual shoe leather - and let me tell you, that can take a *long* time.

    ...And yet, most people look at me baffled when I mention re-soling my shoes. I don't get it - shoes are pricey, durable, and only get more comfortable with age. Why wouldn't you want to make them last as long as possible?

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  45. So what does it mean if I make the Vulcan hand signal at someone?

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  46. John - It means he doesn't want to get emotionally involved.

    (but inevitably will and then everyone will make a big deal about how moving it is to see humanity behind the stoic facade even though that's the basis of every Vulcan plot and people should really be used to this stuff by now)

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  47. Do you really want everyone knowing you have a digestive system?
    No, because if you have a digestive system you eat, and if you eat, YOU'RE FAT!

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  48. I am pretty sure the "f-bomb" they are referring to is farting...

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  49. This is amazing!

    ...except for the "F-bomb" one. If half of the men in what is obviously an unscientific poll said they don't like the word "fuck," for whatever stupid reason, that's their prerogative. Just like I recognize that fucking men are fucking different people, and they all speak fucking differently...but a fucking man who doesn't say "fuck" around me is much more likely, well, to get fucked.

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