Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Cosmocking: November '11! Part Two!


Let's finish this! Mostly because I've been sitting on it in "ugh, do I have to?" misery and it's been stopping me from writing a real post! Sadly nothing in the second half can possibly top "penis mommy!"

People expressed curiosity last week about what the "kinky sex" would consist of, and now the big reveal: underpants.  Kinky now means underpants.  I don't even question these things anymore. (Phase 1: Collect underpants. Phase 2: ????? Phase 3: Kinky!)  And then it's all the fun you'd expect from an article themed "underpants" in a magazine too conservative for anything genuinely edgy but too salacious to be bound by good taste.
Use your underwear as a scrunchie.
Either no one can tell that it's underpants, in which case it's not doing that much to spice up your love life, or everyone can tell that it's underpants, in which case I wholly support this plan and would love to see lots of Cosmo girls doing it in public because I could use that kind of entertainment.
Be a down-south dominatrix... with yourself. Touch your lady parts through your underwear in front of him.
So now we have this week's "can anyone explain the connection between these two sentences?" challenge.  I guess it's because to Cosmo "dominatrix" is a generic word meaning "sexy woman of some sort," and touching yourself, wow, that's pretty sexy?
Have him place his ankles in the holes of your underwear, almost like you're tying his feet together. He'll feel dominated--aka massively turned on.
The dynamics of this work a little differently if I'm not a wispy little thing with wispy little underpants.  (Several other tips, like planting your "tiny thong" for him to find, also assume dainty proportions.) Otherwise he's just going to be standing there looking goofy with his feet in my underpants.

...Actually, no, I'm pretty sure this looks goofy no matter what your underpants size.
Q: My boyfriend wants to have sex all the time. Even if I tell him no, I end up waking up to him humping my leg. How do I let him know what a turn-off that is?
A: I'm no scientist, but I think there are two reasons why he constantly wants to have sex with you: One, he is a dude. Two, he thinks you're hot.
Does she mean literally? Because that's not normal.  It's not normal and not okay to hump someone in their sleep.  (Unless you work it out in advance, but obviously that's not an option in Cosmoland.) And it doesn't strike me as an innocent expression of dudely appreciation.  It strikes me as a passive-aggressive way to punish for her not putting out, to prove that she can't stop him from using her body anyway.  If I were her, I'd be very clear about saying "Please stop trying to do sexual things with me after I've said no. If you don't commit to stopping this, I don't feel safe sleeping in the same bed as you."

Cosmo's suggestion is "I love having sex with you, but when I'm sleepy, I don't feel sexy." Because God forbid you actually not want it sometimes; you have to give a better excuse than that! And then they go on to recommend that she have more "spontaneous" sex with him, because clearly his real issue here is that he's just a spur-of-the-moment sort of guy!

I don't have much more to say than "ugh." I'm not a sexless shrew-harpy, I swear, but I don't think the answer to every problem is "gently coddle his ego while sexually servicing him." Men are grownups and they won't crumble into tears or leave you forever if you talk to them in grownup language.
Announce your big O on Twitter:
Go all the way on November 4, then announce your orgasm by tweeting #CosmoDontFakeItDay
Right, because there's nothing that'll help out a woman who has trouble orgasming like being expected to perform on a specific date and announce it publicly!  Someone who takes this stuff to heart is going to end up faking her "Don't Fake It Day" tweet, and that's every kind of wrong.
Earlobes: These spots are packed with nerves that connect directly to the brain, so stroking them feels particularly amazing.
This is how Cosmockings seem to work, lately. I read some stuff that genuinely angries me up, and some stuff that just makes me giggle and point.  I'm pretty sure every part of your head "connects directly to the brain," but hey, earlobes, super sexy.
Signs You May Be Dealing With A Psychopath
 Serial killers often blend into society, but there are clues to look for that hint something is wrong below the surface.
-He stands stiffly
-He speaks only about himself
-His words seem rehearsed
-He is detached
-He exaggerates tiny gestures
Oh no!  He's a serial killer!  Or he's socially awkward!  Maybe he even has one of those mental illnesses that don't make you murder people but just make you talk awkwardly!  About half of these describe me, the other half describe plenty of my friends, and none of us have serial-killed hardly anybody.  Considering how many serial killers have been described as normal or even charming, this bit of "people who act different really are as horrible as you always suspected" isn't even helpful.
Describe your dream sex life.
A. Hot quickies with your man whenever and wherever you want them
B. A mix of sensual encounters as well as wilder ones, like in the bathroom at a party
C. Tons of foreplay plus a new position or prop every time
B is correct.  The other ones are incorrect and indicate some sort of problem.  It doesn't matter what you like, because Cosmo has figured out what you should like.

I guess that's Cosmo in a nutshell for ya.

51 comments:

  1. I love your blog so much <3

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  2. I don't know if I can handle this one. I'm still trying not to think about what grandma was doing making 60 jars of blackberry jelly every year.

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  3. Cosmo, what are you doing? I get that you are all about talking about stuff you know nothing about, but normally at least you at least stick to misunderstanding evolution and neuroscience to reinforce bullshit heteronormative standards. Nobody asked you to branch out, especially not to misunderstanding criminology and forensic psychology to reinforce... whatever that was. Socially-skilled-ism, and possibly ableism as not too many autistic spectrum types would pass their test.

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  4. I normally don't comment on blogs, but first let me just say that reading Pervocracy has really taught me a lot. It's helped me unlearn a lot of degrading and/or dangerous societal expectations and to replace them with healthy things like setting (and sticking to!) boundaries, accepting the things that I like and don't like both in bed and out, and communicating (which I'm still working on, but hey, progress). So, from the bottom of my heart/vagina, thank you.

    On to Cosmo: hahaha ok no but seriously what is even up with Cosmo? I really hope nobody who reads it takes it seriously, but I've seen humans in general and impressionable young people of both genders in particular.. and all I can do is cringe when someone quotes Cosmo in all earnestness. Seriously more people need to read your blog.

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  5. Humping her leg? Perhaps the lady is a zoophile.

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  6. If I hear one more thing about how socially awkward people are secretly violent/evil/depraved serial killers, I'm going to slap humanity in the face.*

    @Lane: Thank you for acknowledging this kind of thing as prejudice/an "ism," rather than just how the way the world works because, don't you know, you're worthless until you stop being awkward and fit in! Ugh.

    *(I don't actually advocate violence whatsoever, but that phrase came to mind and I felt the urge to use it.)

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  7. I remember at my first year at university how everyone thought I was a stalker because I wore black a lot, was quiet and awkward and didn't fit in very well. Actually I generally avoided people unless they were actively trying to spend time with me, so kind of the opposite of a stalker, but whatever.

    I wrote a letter to one of my friends jokingly explaining how I was apparently some sort of stalker now, which helped fuel the rumour because ironically it's okay to invade someone's privacy and read their letters if you suspect them of being a stalker.

    Thanks, Cosmo, for reinforcing the 'he is socially awkward, therefore I will assume he is a bad person, therefore I will treat him like a bad person, therefore he will remain socially awkward' cycle.

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  8. @Lane: didn't you know all socially awkward and/or autistic people are serial killers?!?!
    /sarcasm

    Is it just my imagination, or is Cosmo actually getting WORSE?

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  9. The serial killer thing... ugh. Where did they even get that from? Everything I've heard is that psychopaths are, as Holly said, usually pretty good at passing themselves off as normal. I mean, even Wikipedia agrees with that. Did Cosmo honestly make those things up?

    I love the "dream sex life" question too. Sure, Cosmo, there are right and wrong answers to that... Would it be going too far to guess that the problem with A and C is that they're too demanding? Wanting sex only where and when you want sex, and wanting foreplay and creativity probably both involve too much independent thought and desire to be appropriate for Cosmo.

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  10. Dear lord Cosmo, everyone has the right not to be molested in their sleep. This should be obvious. Why is this not obvious!?

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  11. Speechless with laughter.

    I knew a psychopath - not of the serial murdering sort - but he wouldn't have answered to any of those descriptors. Charismatic, friendly, made people comfortable. Just the "lack of empathy and remorse, shallow emotions, egocentricity, and deceptiveness" kind of psychopath. Didn't give a damn about anything but himself, to the tune of some fairly disastrous consequences.

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  12. I would like to say that I am on the wispy side and yet *somehow* underwear holes that are meant for my thighs to go through, would do little to constrain the ankles of, well, any man I've ever slept with. And, I would imagine, any man ever. Adult thighs are bigger than adult ankles. That's just how it works. Unless cosmo is assuming their reader is a child or little person, the only way this is kink is if you think of it as SUPER half assed cross dressing.

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  13. Minty - The problem with A is that it's too rushed, and the problem with C is it's too drawn-out, or something like that. And you should want a mix of rushed and drawn-out.

    I don't know, I just copy this stuff down.

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  14. i think the underpants-as-ankle-cuffs thing is so people can engage in light (so light as to be unrecognizable) bondage by restraining someone without any actual restraint. because if you actually tied him up that'd be way too aggressive and we would need to get out our slut-shaming bricks.

    actually, thinking about it, you could probably use one or two pairs of underwear to tie him to a couple of bedposts, if that were your thing and you had a bed with bedposts. but yeah, cosmo's assumption that underpants are automatically sexy for all uses because that's where you keep your vagina (assuming you're not in the habit of going commando)...oh cosmo. you and your way that somehow actually influences people.

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  15. hahaha, oh god, idea: "to spice up your housework, use a pair of your underwear to clean up messes in the kitchen! better yet, use a pair of his, so your man will feel involved!"

    or was that already one of the suggestions?

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  16. Reading these is like a little treat for my month <3 I forget that they're coming but when I see them I get really excited. I wish that Cosmo had to print your commentary as a kind of surgeon general's warning on the side of their articles so women don't get so caught up in taking their advice seriously.

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  17. Masturbating for one's partner's viewing pleasure makes one a dominatrix?

    Oh, Cosmo. Your idea of "kink" is even more ludicrous than I'd anticipated...and believe me, that is saying something.

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  18. Also, totally agree with this:

    The dynamics of this work a little differently if I'm not a wispy little thing with wispy little underpants. (Several other tips, like planting your "tiny thong" for him to find, also assume dainty proportions.)

    I look cute wearing nice underpants, but the same underpants without me in them look huuuuge (I guess because they're flat instead of wrapped around my body). I do not think it would be sexy to plant them somewhere for my bf to find. He'd probably wonder where the lace tablecloth came from.

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  19. They may explain it with junk science, but yes! Earlobes! The feeling of someone gently (gently!) biting my earlobe and then raking their teeth across it as their head moves away is amazing!

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  20. Have him place his ankles in the holes of your underwear, almost like you're tying his feet together. He'll feel dominated--aka massively turned on.

    I thought this was supposed to be sort of like you wanted him to wear women's underwear, which would have actually been a kinky thing to do with underwear. But if he doesn't actually pull them up his legs, it's safe for cosmo because it doesn't challenge his masculinity.

    As for planting a tiny thong, I think leaving your underwear behind can actually be hot. You just have to watch out for roommates finding them first!

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  21. "I wrote a letter to one of my friends jokingly explaining how I was apparently some sort of stalker now, which helped fuel the rumour because ironically it's okay to invade someone's privacy and read their letters if you suspect them of being a stalker."

    Of course! The right way to treat someone who you suspect of being a stalker is to... stalk them back!

    I think it's funny/sad how the people who did this were actually being wayyy more creepy than you were.

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  22. My mother and I used to read Cosmo in the early 90s, for the laugh, and my friends and I used to amuse ourselves with it - the slogan - 'smart girls carry Cosmo!', articles on sexual jealousy we immortalised in poetry - 'sexual jealously strikes by night! Sexual jealously gives you a fright!'

    Then it stopped being entertaining and just got trashy and I wondered what the point of it was.

    But THIS is what the point of it is. It was born to be educational fodder for your blog, to entertain and teach us all. I'm sorry this post was a bitch to write, but it came out great none the less.

    I'm off to put my big assed underpants on my head like a hat...

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  23. Like the photo!

    How does the nervous system work in Cosmo's world? Some parts of the body have nerves that lead to the brain and some parts have mailboxes? Given Cosmo's preference for not talking about anything important, probably those parts send rebuses.

    Why do I have a feeling that despite not talking about feelings or relationships or especially sex, non-ironic Cosmo readers still do more than their share of talking?

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  24. Well, some parts of the body have nerves that connect to the spinal chord, but headnerves don't; they go straight to the brain.

    The logical conclusion is that touching your partner's eyeballs is sexy.

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  25. Well, even though their explaination is bullshit, I really do get turned on when someone I'm fucking plays with my ears. So, it's actually decent sex advice for certain people I guess?

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  26. That Cosmo quotation on the leg humper really depressed me. Often these magazines are targeted as spreading 'sexualisation'but I think its problems are much darker. I would feel so alone reading that magazine if I didn't have the interwebs.

    I would like to know your views on this post. It made me think of The New Victorians by Rene Denfeld in which she explains how focusing on the 'patriarchy'"By asserting that all women are oppressed under the patriarchy, feminists often implicitly dismiss the experiences of minority, poor, and working class women" :
    http://www.xojane.com/entertainment/choice-feminism-isn%27t-a-choice

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  27. "The logical conclusion is that touching your partner's eyeballs is sexy."

    Touch his eyeballs gently with your wet underpants! If he flinches away, this is subtle male body-language that means he wants you to do it harder!

    flightless

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  28. You wake up to your boyfriend humping your leg? DTMFA! DTMFA! Sexual assault is an automatic break-up-able offense!

    And, frankly, I'm amused by how much of that serial killer list describes me, the vegan pacifist.

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  29. That serial killer prejudice really upsets me. Every time a killer happens to be reclusive and weird, the media is all over pointing out the killer's weirdness and reclusiveness. And every time a killer is outgoing and sociable, the media are stressing how "unexpected" and "improbable" it is for the killer to be someone non-reclusive and non-weird. Regardless of actual statistical likelihood of killers being reclusive or weird.

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  30. For the psychopath thing, it almost seems like somebody at Cosmo watched the recent episode of Dexter where Michael C. Hall dances reeeeeeally stiffly to 'Can't touch this." Dexter = completely valid alternative to real research = serial killer = psychopath... right?

    On the other hand, some of those things (detachment, talking primarily about self) sound vaguely familiar as red flags in some contexts. Cosmo is like reading a real magazine through a fishbowl.

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  31. While Penis Mommy is classic, I disagree that this Cosmocking is somehow less than Part 1.

    Underwear scrunchie? Seriously. Every bit as classic as Penis Mommy. There's nothing like the image of 7th avenue filled with women pulling their hair through a pair of undies. Scuse me. Unmentionables.

    This whole Part 2 is full of CosMazing weirdness. Thank you. Your Cosmo sacrifice is my week full of entertainment...

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  32. Oh, & I forgot to say, those clues don't at all ID serial killers or psychopaths. Not. At. All.

    In fact, the lack of those traits is what people mean when they say, inevitably, "He seemed so normal."

    Those clues ID people that are **Schizophrenic** (among, as you say, many others).

    And, contrary to the public myth, people diagnosed with schizophrenia are, like nearly all folks with a diagnosed mental illness, **less** likely to be violent than their general public neighbors. There is a certain subset of schizophrenia where the person feels in danger of death or injury in danger-free situations because of delusions. In those situations, this small sub-group will respond as most people will if they perceive an immediate threat to life & limb - they'll run or fight back, whichever they think will be most successful. This seems utterly unpredictable to those who don't know/understand their delusions, but it makes sense internally.

    Psychopaths are completely different. They interact with people entirely normally on a short-term basis. But far from being stiff, they have unusual confidence, which often makes them seem easy going. But the confidence springs from a deep-seated certainty that only the psychopath hirself matters. They won't lash out unpredictably. Because they matter to themselves. And since they value themselves, they don't want to go to prison. So they lash out predictably, i.e., they hunt, stealthily.

    The warning signs for such people are an inability to sincerely apologize (though they might make a very good show of it, they will repeat the behavior later if it is to their advantage in any way), an intolerance for what they see as incompetence, and many other signs consistent with someone who only values hirself.

    The conflation of schizophrenia with psychopathy is common & should be deliberately undermined. ...

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  33. Humping her leg? Are we sure what species her boyfriend is?

    And ... Signs you may be dating a Psychopath.
    1. You'r dead
    2. You wake up locked in the trunk of his car
    3. You keep having to tidy up spare body parts strewn around your apartment or stashed in the freezer.

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  34. BTW Ozy? Everyone knows that all vegan pacifists are also serial killers ... ask any meat-eating guy. Or indeed, don't ask him, just offer him a vege-burger

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  35. but why can't i just tie his feet together, cosmo?

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  36. Because that would be emasculating, c! Or something!

    Gah, Cosmo's sex tips get worse every time. I assumed they were just recycling them, because how many times can you promise "The hottest wildest sex tips EVAR" and not run out of stuff? But the underwear tips are just goofy.

    Next issue: Sexy uses for popular dog toys!

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  37. Hershele OstropolerOctober 21, 2011 at 10:38 AM

    My girlfriend in underwear: hot.
    My girlfriend's underwear: not in the category of things to which the word "hot" can be applied. Maybe I'm inured to their charms because I do most of the laundry.

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  38. "Have him place his ankles in the holes of your underwear, almost like you're tying his feet together. He'll feel dominated--aka massively turned on."

    Yes because everyone is sub.

    "A: I'm no scientist, but I think there are two reasons why he constantly wants to have sex with you: One, he is a dude. Two, he thinks you're hot."

    Oh hey look, I've managed to deduce that you're, rather than a scientist, a misandrist rape-culture-encouraging dimwit!

    "Earlobes: These spots are packed with nerves that connect directly to the brain, so stroking them feels particularly amazing."

    "Describe your dream sex life.
    A. Hot quickies with your man whenever and wherever you want them
    B. A mix of sensual encounters as well as wilder ones, like in the bathroom at a party
    C. Tons of foreplay plus a new position or prop every time
    B is correct. The other ones are incorrect and indicate some sort of problem. It doesn't matter what you like, because Cosmo has figured out what you should like."

    Why not D, all of the above?

    Also: not all psycopaths are serial killers. Some psycopaths simply live their lives and don't actually kill anyone! Weird!

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  39. Gahh! Cosmo is getting worse! Last time I checked red flags of a Sociopath weren't shit like being socially awkward but measurable stuff like callousness, glibness, willingness to do illigal activities, ect ect...major fail on their part

    Also lol at be a dominatrix with yourself! WTF does that even mean?

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  40. @PerverseCowgirl: "He'd probably wonder where the lace tablecloth came from."

    I giggled to myself so hard.

    If Blink found MY underwear he'd think I was being lazy again and left them on the floor and not in the hamper 10 feet to the left.

    @Anon 5:54 - I knowwww I love comics so much. And I played through Batman: Arkham Asylum and now am working on Arkham City. EVERY criminal is either
    a) Schizophrenic/"Schizoid"
    b) Sociopath
    c) PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC

    Only the Joker that I can think of is simply listed as "Um. Just a guy who likes to kill people." And still others are driven crazy* but used to be normal.

    As one who works with the severely mentally ill, I facepalm SO HARD at these people's bios. Seriously, they need more "Gets a boner from killing people and eating their faces" and less "His mass-murdering, torturing behavior is because he is sick or had too hard of a life."


    *Unspecified, but still mentally ill

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  41. Vegan pacifists are notorious cereal killers.

    (ba-dum bum!)

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  42. Hershele OstropolerOctober 22, 2011 at 12:25 PM

    Hm. I wonder if, when I see her underwear, I'm supposed to think she's going commando? That's not all that bizarre, I suppose: obviously she owns more than one pair but specifically leaving it out is clearly intended to send a message. Seems rther subtle to me, though; like a lot of Cosmo tips, it seems like it would lead to a fight when she puts all this effort into an easily overlooked thing and he overlooks it, which the magazine assures her would have to be a deliberate slight.

    Or does this comment represent more thought put into this than was given by Cosmo's entire staff put together?

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  43. Huh, I was picturing the ankles-in-underwear thing as having him put his feet through the leg holes while she was still *wearing* the underwear. Which... I don't think you could really do any sex things in that position, besides maybe her giving him a blow job if the heights match up perfectly. And it's also a bit too "eww, feet" for me, personally, but of course many people are into that. (Though of course Cosmo would call anyone into that a crazy freak).

    But the underwear on feet without a woman attached to them? That just makes no sense. Who has thighs that small/ankles that big? And since the Cosmo-approved underwear is of course a "tiny thong", it makes even less sense. I don't own any thongs, but don't they have bigger leg holes than briefs by virtue of them having less butt surface area to cover up?

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  44. Be a down-south dominatrix... with yourself. Touch your lady parts through your underwear in front of him.

    So now we have this week's "can anyone explain the connection between these two sentences?" challenge.


    Okay, I'll take the challenge. *cracks fingers*

    First, we have to get into the Cosmo mindset. I will thus activate [cosmothink]. "Dominatrix" evidently means a woman taking a dominant role, while her partner (assumed by Cosmo to be male) take a submissive role. However, Standard Cosmo Gender Dynamics states that women must let men make all of the moves - girls can't get more assertive than incredibly subtle hints that they would like their guy to do x,y,z. So... any woman clearly expressing her own sexual desires is taking a dangerously unsubmissive role, and is therefore a dominatrix, at least relative to the usual standards required of Cosmo girls.

    A woman expressing her own sexual desires to/on a man - e.g. by telling him what she wants - would thus be a dominatrix with regards to her man. Correspondingly, a woman clearly expressing said desires to/on herself - e.g. by touching herself - is a dominatrix with regards to herself.

    [/cosmothink]

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  45. First time stumbling on pervocracy. I've been reading Cosmo for a while, for just the reasons you have been blogging about it... the pure WTF of it all. My favorite in this issue was something along the lines of "fling your thong at his face (shooting it rubberband style) while stripping". There was one a few years ago that I've never been able to get out of my head "Press a warm river stone against his taint" ... ;-; Up until this point Cosmocking was a lone act of masochism, now I need to follow this blog.

    - Amy

    PS. I think I might love you.

    [/creepy]

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  46. Here is a hilarious video in which cosmo is mocked.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=OTQnUTgLssI

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  47. Apparently Cosmo's editor doesn't understand consent either:

    http://evilslutopia.com/2011/10/cosmos-guy-guru-doesnt-understand.html?spref=tw

    The aim now is to "Contact Cosmo and tell them that non-consensual sex isn't funny, isn't okay and isn't good advice. Demand an apology (a real one - and a public one at that) and a correction." More info on the page!

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  48. http://expertcosmotips.tumblr.com/page/3

    I hope you have seen this, hilarious

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  49. Oops! Wrong link!

    http://evilslutopia.com/

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  50. That whole "be a down-south dominatrix...WITH YOURSELF" thing makes me think you have to like...IDK, hit yourself in the crotch with a riding whip?

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  51. As a psych student and someone really concerned with the stimga on the "disability" label, particularly the stigma of the label "mental illness," i found the "Psychopath" part really offensive. Of course there really are some people out there afflicted with sociopathy/psychopathy, but they didn't choose to be that way, they don't typically get violent, and there's basically no effective treatment available for them. Publishing sensational, misleading information about them isn't fair and doesn't help them or their families in any way.

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