Thursday, September 15, 2011

Cosmocking: October '11! Part One!


Yellow cover! I'm not sure why I still describe the cover now that you can see it! Force of habit I guess!  Minka Kelly! She looks like she's got B-cups under the tank top and DDs worth of cleavage! I know they do amazing things with push-up bras these days but I'm pretty sure that's just Photoshop!  "Shrink Your Inner Thighs!" Just the inner ones?! "Times He Wants You to Be Jealous!" Apparently this is a headgame where you assume the other person is playing a headgame and that can't possibly end badly!

Sexy vs. Skanky
Sexy: Girl power
Skanky: Slut shaming

A dude's set of wheels is always a hot place to do it. Of course, we're talking about his other mode of transportation... from when he was a teen: his skateboard.
I have to confess, I actually like this about Cosmo.  In with all the ludicrous "a relationship is two people in madly passionate love who don't trust each other and don't talk to each other" ideas, sometimes they're just wacky.  I enjoy the wacky.

I don't enjoy it so much that I'm going to actually have sex on a skateboard--way too much potential for slapstick comedy and severe spinal trauma--but I appreciate the innocent goofiness of the idea.

50 Things You Should Never Stop Doing in a Relationship
As opposed to this article, which is far, far less charming.

6. Never letting the cracks show in public. Even if he starts doing that thing where he contradicts every damn thing you say, wait until you get home to call him out on it.
If he's contradicting every damn thing I say, the cracks are already showing.  While I agree we shouldn't be hashing all our shit out in public, if he's taking deliberate digs at me, it's not my job to keep up the appearance that this is peachy.  A "crack" that size needs at least a "honey, can I talk to you for a minute?", not a sweet tolerant smile.

And the funny thing is, if he's a decent person, he may actually appreciate that you didn't just let him make an ass of himself in public.

7. Maintaining your feminine mystique by never putting on deodorant, cleaning your ears, or clipping your toenails in front of him.
Apparently the "feminine mystique" consists of carefully maintaining the distinction between "woman" and "person."  (I'm not the first person to pick up on this.)

8. Swiping on some lip gloss even if you two are just running Sunday errands. We're not clutching our pearls and insisting that you do up your whole face, but a little touch-up isn't exactly going to set back the whole feminist movement or anything.
No, but telling me I have to do this, and that it's a big favor to me that you aren't demanding more, is doing just that.

After the Gender Wars Of A Few Weeks Ago, I kind of came to a conclusion with a friend; femininity and masculinity are things to be practiced as consensual kinks.  If being feminine is your desire, your kink is okay!  But if being feminine is something you go along with grudgingly, then it's no longer truly consensual.  And if it's something you do only because you've been told that your natural lips are unacceptably unshiny--well, that's nowhere near what enthusiastic consent should be.

11. Screening his call and waiting 10 minutes before returning it. Then be all mysterious about where you were when asks why you didn't pick up.
There's a fine line between "feminine mystique" and "concealing a dark secret," huh?

"I thought she was just a very mysterious woman who played hard to get and only let me see her at her best, but it turned out she was hiding her zombie mother, a nurse, and a priest in the basement and surreptitiously feeding them animal tranquilizers."

42. Quickly running to the bathroom to brush your teeth before morning sex.
I've skipped over a whole bunch of "never let him see you're a real person" stuff, because I think we all get the picture by now, but this one stood out by actually obstructing sex in favor of sexiness.  The awesome part about morning sex is that you're still all warm and cozy together in the bed and half-awake.  And being disheveled, even stinky, is also part of the charm.  Morning sex is about being comfortable with each other, and it's hard to do that when you have to jump up and demonstrate that you're painfully uncomfortable with yourself.

I know that there's no "masculine mystique" because they're just people, but it seems like this could make a guy awfully self-conscious if he didn't brush his teeth,

[picture of what's-his-face with Snooki, holding a pink purse] Snooki's ex was careful with her Hello Kitty tote--it's where his balls were hiding, after all.
Oh, my bad, there is a masculine mystique.  But it's about not being a woman (made pretty explicit with the "balls" comment), not about not being a human, so I still say it's an easier standard.

4 Words That Seduce Any Man... Anytime
[...]"I want you now."
That's not seduction.  That's just an invitation.  That's like saying you "entranced" your friends because you asked them "hey, wanna come over?"

Don't get me wrong; I'm all in favor of invitations.  They're a hell of a lot easier to use and more effective than subtle innuendos, and they don't leave nearly as many dangerous ambiguities on the table.  "I want you now" is a fine way to tell a young gentleman your intentions for the evening, but there's nothing mystiquey about it.

There's a quote in this article from Warren Farrell.  The quote itself is innocuous (or, you know, not particularly bad), but Warren Farrell is a big-time anti-feminist in the "men's rights" movement. I'm skeeved that he's talking to Cosmo.

...Or, possibly, unsurprised.

He consistently won't tell you who he's texting.
You are: Kinda Jealous
You should be: Freaking The Hell Out
---
A certain level of privacy in a relationship is necessary, but you'd have to be crazy to put up with this secretive behavior[...] [ask him to show you the screen] If he has nothing to hide, he'll fork it over. If not, there's a good chance he's involved with another woman... or the Mob.
So now Cosmo is the TSA.  "You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide" is the refrain of everyone--government agency, parent, school official, or romantic partner--who can't think of any other reasons someone might not want you reading their diary and digging through their underwear drawer.

Maybe he's trying to get a friend's advice on a relationship problem.  (Like that his girlfriend has no boundaries, for instance.)  Maybe he's dealing with a family issue that's somewhat private.  Maybe he and a friend are trading crude jokes that might offend you.  Maybe it's just nothing to do with you at all.

A relationship is not a personality merger.  I'm glad for the things Rowdy chooses to share with me (and I'd leave him if he never shared anything), but I know it's always his choice.  The access I have to his life is a privilege, not a right.  I trust that he isn't hiding anything from me that would seriously affect me, but all I can do is trust--I cannot enforce. That's not a relationship any more.  It's a Panopticon.



There's still more ripe bits left, there's bad kink and slut-shame and bizarre gender roles, but this post is already unconscionably long.  More to come... unfortunately.

42 comments:

  1. how the hell would you have sex on a skateboard?

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  2. ShadowCell - Apparently it's supposed to be basically missionary and you slide yourself back and forth underneath him?

    It's like using it to work underneath a car, except that in this case the car is a person trying to have sex with you, which seems like it could lead to a wide variety of difficulties.

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  3. 7. Maintaining your feminine mystique by never putting on deodorant, cleaning your ears, or clipping your toenails in front of him.

    If you live together, or even spend a lot of time at each other's places, how does this even work? Do you have to have separate bathrooms, so he can't even see your deodorant around? Or a special footlocker so you could keep your toiletries secret? This could be a great movie, where a man thinks his girlfriend is a spy, but it turns out she's not hiding national secrets, just lady secrets.

    And are you also supposed to pretend never to brush your teeth? That doesn't seem very strategic in your attempts to attract a man.

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  4. lol I need to finish reading before I comment. I guess you're supposed to brush your teeth in secret? This still seems like it could backfire and convince Your Man that you never brush your teeth.

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  5. Re the "4 words," I am surprised and saddened that you didn't take a few digs on the implication that gay, asexual and in-a-monogamous-relationship guys aren't men. Or, as they say, "any man, any time," perhaps we are supposed to assume those men exist outside of the conventional space-time continuum?

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  6. Lane - Good point. Forest and trees.

    Or, for that matter, straight sexual available men who just aren't up for it right now.

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  7. 11. Screening his call and waiting 10 minutes before returning it. Then be all mysterious about where you were when asks why you didn't pick up.

    It's true that most guys start feeling bored and possibly trapped if you're totally at their beck and call all the time...I smothered a lot of relationships by dropping everything and running to the phone when the guy called (in conjunction with being a doormat in a hundred other ways).

    But leave it to Cosmo to flip it around so that instead of a woman genuinely being more liberated and acting like her own person (i.e. picking up the phone only when it's convenient, calling back only when it's convenient, and having real activities going on to tell the guy about once she's talking to him), she has all kinds of new and complicated restrictions on her instead. Ignore the phone - even if you're lying around doing nothing and it's sitting right next to you! Now keep your eye on the clock so you don't accidentally call him back later than ten minutes! And make up shit so it sounds like you were doing something other than sitting on the couch cleaning your toenails with the corner of a matchbook when he called! FEH.

    And anyway, if a person never answers the phone, that's not "mysterious", that's just fucking annoying. I've stopped associating with people for that.

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  8. Perversecowgirl - I carry a cellphone, so I always answer right away because there's no running. It's not overeager, it's just... efficient.

    Unless I'm in class or at work or something.

    I think you can make a guy feel trapped if you call him constantly, but I wouldn't worry about answering the phone too eagerly.

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  9. No, I agree, efficiency and overeagerness are two different things.

    And I'm certainly not saying that answering the phone consistently is gonna drive a dude away all by itself. More like answering the phone eagerly and always being available for dates (even if it means cancelling other plans) and just generally doing whatever the guy wants all the time. That makes it obvious that you're living your whole life around the guy and all of your happiness depends on him, which is where the trapped feelings come in (works with every other gender combo in a relationship, too...I only used clingy girl/nonclingy guy as an example because I was riffing on the Cosmo article).

    And dropping everything to answer the phone 'cause "OMG MY BOYFRIEND IS CALLING!!!1!" (every single time he calls) is one symptom of that scary clingy doormat attitude. I speak from experience.

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  10. "Sexy: Girl power"

    The others said the nice, smart things so I'll be the idiot. I loved the Spice Girls when I was a young-un, had the bedroom covered with their merchandise and cried when Geri left a few days before I was going to another concert. I even still like some of their concerts, but looking back at them, I cringe at their "girl power" label. Just look at this quote from Spice World:

    "Scary Spice: You see, I think with boys you should be able to just reel them in and then they're there and then that's it.
    Baby Spice: Yeah, and order them like a pizza!"

    Because that's totally what young girls should be learning.

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  11. Fuckmonkies, that should be "still like some of their songs".

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  12. @Holly - but the grip tape on the skateboard and the back-and-forth motion and aaaaagh

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  13. "...femininity and masculinity are things to be practiced as consensual kinks. If being feminine is your desire, your kink is okay! But if being feminine is something you go along with grudgingly, then it's no longer truly consensual. And if it's something you do only because you've been told that your natural lips are unacceptably unshiny--well, that's nowhere near what enthusiastic consent should be."

    Yes. Seriously, yes.

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  14. Ha Ha, don't return his call for 10 minutes and be mysterious about where you were is feminine mystique, but you should TOTALLY FREAK OUT about him not letting you see some SMSes he's sending to someone else. A) stupid but also b) nice double standard.

    Oh wait, I forgot, screaming fights about jealousy is how you measure the sucess of a relationship. Sorry, my mistake.

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  15. @Emma: I love this idea.

    >> This could be a great movie, where a man thinks his girlfriend is a spy, but it turns out she's not hiding national secrets, just lady secrets.


    - flightless

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  16. Slut shaming is "skanky?" So...you're a slut if you make people feel bad for being sluts?

    I think Cosmo just divided by zero.

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  17. Wow. From all the advice Cosmo gives, I can easily imagine that one of an average guy's deal-breakers would be "takes Cosmo's advice seriously".

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  18. "Times He Wants You to Be Jealous!" Apparently this is a headgame where you assume the other person is playing a headgame and that can't possibly end badly!

    That actually makes sense if you interpret it not as "times he wants you to be jealous" but "times he wants you to 'be jealous.'" If a relationship (rather, a "relationship") is considered not as two individuals with feelings but as an instance of the class "man" and an instance of the class "woman," it is indeed helpful to know when the man-unit simulates intending the woman-unit to go through the "jealousy" routine.

    A while ago Cosmo recommended pretending not to be fighting when you are, and to humans that sounds even worse than the other way around, but if you assume a "fight" is a set-piece because one person -- let's face it, she -- read somewhere that "healthy couples fight from time to time," it makes perfect sense. This is similar.

    And the funny thing is, if he's a decent person, he may actually appreciate that you didn't just let him make an ass of himself in public.

    Depends on how you do it, of course. "Honey, 'I need to talk to you a minute" is fine; Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf is not.

    There's a quote in this article from Warren Farrell. The quote itself is innocuous (or, you know, not particularly bad), but Warren Farrell is a big-time anti-feminist in the "men's rights" movement. I'm skeeved that he's talking to Cosmo.

    I keep confusing him with the guy who played B.J. on M*A*S*H.

    A relationship is not a personality merger

    Right now I'm in bed with my girlfriend. We're both reading this post -- on separate computers. Not that we read each other's e-mail or saw each other's open tabs when we were sharing a computer either, to the point that she used Firefox and I used Chrome. It just seems weird to deliberately share every fucking thing, and weirder -- albeit its own punishment -- to insist ones partner do so.

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  19. In all fairness, I'm very strongly affected by my sense of taste and smell. In the morning, it's sometimes hard to get into sex if I can taste particularly strong morning funk in my mouth, so yeah, I might brush my teeth or at least drink some water to rinse the nast out before getting into sexytimes (and I'd appreciate it if you, O Hypothetical Male Partner, would do the same.) It's not because I don't want the man to discover that I occasionally get *gasp!* bad breath - it's just that I don't particularly enjoy smelling or tasting it.

    But... but that's me. That's a particular thing that particularly bugs me, it's certainly not something every woman should always do in every relationship forever!

    In other matters, good lord: I am married, and if my husband started insisting that he gets to see all of my texts (or emails, or whatever cute little invasion of privacy all the cool kids are doing these days), I would be pissed all to hell. Why on earth would it be acceptable to do it to him?

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  20. "That's not a relationship any more. It's a Panopticon."

    Hot damn, you can turn a phrase.

    Also, I love the idea of femininity and masculinity practiced as kinks. This idea needs to get wider recognition.

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  21. "7. Maintaining your feminine mystique by never putting on deodorant, cleaning your ears, or clipping your toenails in front of him.
    Apparently the "feminine mystique" consists of carefully maintaining the distinction between "woman" and "person." (I'm not the first person to pick up on this.)"

    I don know, I know people need to take a dump every now and then but I sure as hell never want to see a person take one nor do I want to find the "evidence". I don't think this contradicts with the understanding that this is something that comes with being a person.

    That said, the part you quoted sounds to me like a form of an extension of this to a less icky form of doing the being a person thing, though I'd imagine that you could say that this is taking the previous paragraph too far. Personally, I believe that there is an clean/attractive way to doing the human thing and a unclean/unattractive way.

    For instance, if you can brush your teeth without getting the carpet dirty, then I don't see a problem with doing that in front of anyone close enough to see you brush your teeth in the first place. However, if one finds oneself slobbering all over place then yeah, maybe you should keep that in the bathroom... and mop the floor afterwards.

    Also, I strongly disagree with your pro-morning breath sex stance. Morning breath can be quite the bitch.

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  22. Anon - I don't have a problem with people's different levels of ickiness tolerance, so much as the idea that it's gendered.

    Thinking that partners shouldn't fart/clip their nails/have stinky breath/etc. in front of each other is a matter of taste, but it becomes sexist when it becomes "men can be icky but women can't."

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  23. After the Gender Wars Of A Few Weeks Ago, I kind of came to a conclusion with a friend; femininity and masculinity are things to be practiced as consensual kinks. If being feminine is your desire, your kink is okay! But if being feminine is something you go along with grudgingly, then it's no longer truly consensual.

    I like this. This is a productive and liberating way of looking at it. I'm gonna start practicing my kink right now! (But I'm not imposing it on anyone or anything.)

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  24. As it definitely needs to be said:
    Dead Alive reference ftw!!

    Please ignore this little outburst, but I found it much too funny not to comment.

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  25. I like this. This is a productive and liberating way of looking at it. I'm gonna start practicing my kink right now! (But I'm not imposing it on anyone or anything.)

    Hooray for gender freedom!

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  26. http://www.starcitygames.com/magic/misc/22786_To_My_Someday_Daughter.html

    Don't know if you've already seen this, but I think it's excellent feminist commentary within the Magic community.

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  27. I am pretty sure that "I want you now" won't actually seduce ANY man. Unless you think that Johnny Depp's uncontrollable desire for me is expressed in the form of restraining orders.

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  28. Told you it'd be good (or extra terrible, depending on how you think about it)! And I think any chance for "mystique" flew out the window that time when I accidentally peed on my bf's foot in the shower...and yet he still loves me.

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  29. My BF and I are in the habit of brushing our teeth before morning sex--in large part because both of us usually need to pee right when we get up, and you might as well brush your teeth if you're in there already.

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  30. "7. Maintaining your feminine mystique by never putting on deodorant, cleaning your ears, or clipping your toenails in front of him."

    for a while there, i wondered if cosmo was going to be revolutionary and stop that sentence at "toenails." i mean, except for the lack of gender enforcement (must be sugar spice and everything nice AT ALL TIMES or you just fail at life), that would seem to be about par for the course in cosmo's excellent relationship advice.

    just imagine, in the november issue..."poor hygiene is the new sexy! our bodies evolved to generate those hot pheromones, so why wash them off? plus it's frugal because you save money on your water bill!"

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  31. I cliked on the link for that Warren guy and read the synopsis of the book. My favourite part was: "Has feminism begun to level the playing field in a world in which women are more often paid less at work and abused at home? Or are women paid equally for the same work and not abused more at home?"

    Uhh...no?

    Sad thing is, I've got no problem with breaking barriers for men -- but "breaking barriers" too often seems to mean putting down feminism instead of actually making any progress.

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  32. Just wondering, are these Cosmos U.S, Canadian, or is there just one edition that covers all of North America?

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  33. Bahaha, you think she's a spy, but she's just been shaving and flossing and squeezing her pores covertly :)

    I have to add to the toothbrushing thing - I don't want to breath bad breath on anyone, morning mouth doesn't make me feel sexy. And in turn, in the last couple years of my marriage, my husband was only really into morning sex and felt it was offensive of me to expect him to get up and brush his teeth - so having his evil morning breath washing over me as we fucked used to make me feel a tiny weeny bit like I was getting raped. I know that's an over-statement and I don't want to offend anybody, but his refusal to make any effort at all made me feel pretty worthless and turned off.

    So I dunno. I would have appreciated a tiny bit more care.

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  34. Vida: sounds like maybe you're not married anymore? But if you are (or you have a new partner with the same issue) the happy medium could be to keep a glass of water by the bed so he can do a swish-n-swallow before the morning sex. That should help at least a tiny bit. Maybe put a drop of peppermint essential oil in there.

    Personally, I find it really offputting when my boyfriend's vagina breath washes over me during sex...but considering what he did to get that breath, I feel it would be in spectacularly bad form to complain...so I try to gracefully ignore it. Morning breath, of course, requires no such tact. :)

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  35. Then be all mysterious about where you were when asks why you didn't pick up.

    Only stalker abuser fuckebagges would ask why you didn't answer the phone at the exact particular time when they called.

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  36. Hi Holly, I'm a first-time commenter on your area of words real estate.

    I love that bit you wrote at the end about having access to his life being a privilege. I jotted down a note to myself as possible material for a future blog post with words very similar to yours, especially the word "privilege". Volunteering information freely is important in a relationship. Otherwise it's an obligation and it becomes work. And nobody likes to check in when they get home.

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  37. 11. Screening his call and waiting 10 minutes before returning it. Then be all mysterious about where you were when asks why you didn't pick up.

    This seems like a really good way to miss out on a lot of opportunities:

    "Hey, honey! What's up? I saw you called, but I was just so busy..."
    "Oh, hey. I was wondering if you were free tonight, but when you didn't answer I called someone who could be arsed to come to the phone, and now we've made plans. Catch you later, babe."

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  38. "Perversecowgirl - I carry a cellphone, so I always answer right away because there's no running. It's not overeager, it's just... efficient.

    Unless I'm in class or at work or something.

    I think you can make a guy feel trapped if you call him constantly, but I wouldn't worry about answering the phone too eagerly."

    I'm constantly online and I have my GMail open all the time. I'll send an email which an acquaintance will get to in a couple days maybe because they *aren't* constantly online. But since I'm always here reading blogs or whatever with one tab having my email open, I'll respond in about five minutes. Every single time I do this to a girl she comments back with "wow that was fast lol."

    ... would you have preferred if I ignored you for a few days before saying anything? Sheesh.

    As a guy I can say: if you screen my calls when I'm your boyfriend I won't get this "oooh mysterious" vibe from you, I'll get this "my god she's never available and it's so fucking annoying" vibe from you. Sometimes I'm calling you because *I NEED YOU TO PICK UP THE PHONE.*

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  39. "11. Screening his call and waiting 10 minutes before returning it. Then be all mysterious about where you were when asks why you didn't pick up."

    If someone didn't call me back for a while, I would assume they were in a meeting, movie, etc. If they call me back in just 10 minutes, I'd probably assume they were taking a dump, especially if they were being "mysterious" about where they were. Not very sexy!

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  40. I'm very curious about how Cosmo readers maintain this 'feminine mystique'. This morning while my boyfriend was rubbing my back in bed, I noticed I was a bit sore and that there was something wet between my legs that might not be a response to my boyfriend. So I stuck a finger down there and it came up bloody. I told him I'd gotten my period, and stood up from the bed and went to the bathroom trying not to let the blood on me touch anything, while he examined the blood on the sheets and told me it wasn't that bad.

    And then I remembered this article, and realised it was very unfeminine of me, and I started wondering what I should have done instead to preserve that feminine mystique. Letting the guy see it would be unthinkable, but how on earth was I supposed to check in bed with him there? And how was I supposed to hide it afterwards? Should I have waited until he got up by himself (which could be an hour), then sneak out to the bathroom hoping he wouldn't see it (fat chance with the size of my home), and wash/change the bedsheets while he was away? Or should I have asked him to get up and close his eyes while I was being mysterious?

    It's even more ironic that I was feeling unfeminine because of one of the most uniquely female of all the human bodily functions. Says something about how fucked-up the whole idea of femininity is in the first place.

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  41. Ohhh feminine mystique, you silly concept. I've gotten into the habit of popping my boyfriend's pimples for him, and since I have a digestive disease he knows all about the intricacies of my bowel movements. Any trace of mystique was thrown out the window years ago.

    I wouldn't have it any other way. I can't imagine having to hide my hygienic practices from an SO. Not only does it sound tiring, but I like to be comfortable and open in my relationships. Some people might feel better when they don't let their SO see them applying deodorant, but I personally would find that exhausting and... dishonest? Mistrusting? I dunno, I guess it depends on if the person is hiding these practices because it makes them feel better or because they are afraid their SO won't like seeing them clipping their nails or whatever. If it is the latter, I think there needs to be some serious communication.

    Anyway, I don't go out of my way to gross my SO out (usually... we both have pretty immature senses of humor) with my habits, but I couldn't be in a relationship where I felt the need to maintain some sort of "mystique".

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  42. "After the Gender Wars Of A Few Weeks Ago, I kind of came to a conclusion with a friend; femininity and masculinity are things to be practiced as consensual kinks. If being feminine is your desire, your kink is okay! But if being feminine is something you go along with grudgingly, then it's no longer truly consensual. And if it's something you do only because you've been told that your natural lips are unacceptably unshiny--well, that's nowhere near what enthusiastic consent should be."

    I'm not sure I entirely agree with this. Or rather - does it have to be my kink? Because my personal feeling on lip gloss is pretty neutral; on the one hand it's kinda fun being a bit dressy and I like the way it looks, on the other hand it's a bit of a nuisance to do. So I usually won't use it, but will if I'm feeling a bit fancy. But if I knew it was something my (theoretical) boyfriend really liked, I'd feel a lot more inclined to do it - because it's not as if I mind it, and hey, if he's my boyfriend I probably like seeing him smile just 'cause. If it was something I really minded I can see why that would be problematic, but in the situation I've just described... I'm not sure I can see a problem? Am I missing something?

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