Tuesday, April 19, 2011

How to get into BDSM (the short version).

So many negative posts lately! This is what happens when I don't get laid for an entire week. (Yes, yes, world's tiniest violin. It's called the "hedonic treadmill," guys, I have to be fucked in the manner to which I have become accustomed!) So now I'm going to do something positive, and provide a resource.




A Very Brief Primer on Getting Started in the BDSM Community

Step 1: Are you interested in BDSM?
Well? Are ya? This is something you just have to answer for yourself. A lot of kinksters feel like they've always been fascinated by pain, capitivity, and/or servitude; some only gain an interest when they learn about BDSM as adults. Two things that are important to know here:

1) What kind of interest do you have in BDSM? BDSM is what you and your partner(s) make it, so never feel that you have to do it "correctly"--anything safe and consensual is correct. So suss out, maybe even write down, what parts of BDSM interest you and in what role or roles you see yourself. Do you want to experience physical pain, or give it? Do you want to experience humiliation, or give it? Do you want to serve others, or to be served? Do you have specific fantasies or fetishes you want to fulfill? This stuff is all a la carte, remember, and there's no reason you can't receive pain while being dominant or neutral, or want to command someone but not hurt them, or any of a zillion other combinations. And whether, when, and how you add sex to this mix is also a la carte.

While many of these desires will come from or change with your experiences in BDSM, and while "I don't know, I'd have to try it" is a legitimate answer to the questions above, it's a good idea to have at least a rough idea to begin with. The more you know about what you want, the better your kinky experiences will be.

2) If you just want "sex, but spicier," you are probably not kinky, or at least don't have a thorough understanding of what kink entails. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with someone who wears tight black stuff and has a femme-fatale demeanor, but that's not really what the BDSM community is about. If that's all you want, you don't really need to get into BDSM at all, but simply try to get your vanilla partners to add that in.

Although kink and sex are often mixed, the kink community is not a swingers' or free-love community; there are more people here that will beat you but not fuck you than vice versa.


Step 2: The Internets.
Hands-down, the best site for BDSM socialization is Fetlife. It's not a dating site, and to this end it deliberately does not allow you to search for people along parameters like "submissive women under 30 in Boston." The point of Fetlife isn't to find individuals to hit up for play, but to find events in your locality and discussion groups about your interests. If you become a serious member of the BDSM community, kinky friends will be a far greater asset than partners--get people to talk with first, people to commit acts of sexual violence with second.

Kinky friends will teach you BDSM skills, tell you who's good people and who's not, tip you off to secret things that aren't talked about on the Internet, become your partners or help you find partners, and help you keep some goddamn perspective in our wacky mirror-world. They're a wonderful thing to have and will make your life in BDSM a million times more fun and real. You may crave partners, but you need friends.


Step 3: Your First Munch.
A munch is a public meeting of kinky folk where everyone just talks and socializes. These are easier to find in major metropolitan areas, of course, but there are some munches all over; check "events near me" in Fetlife. Dress in normal street clothes and don't expect any play. Do expect to be pleasantly surprised by the diversity, vivacity, openness, and "hey, these are just people"-ness of your local kink community. And while it's lovely to meet a partner at a munch, don't expect to, especially the first time out; as online, Objective Number One is to build up a strong support network of friends.

Once you start meeting people in person, remember that You Do Not Talk About Kink Club. BDSM is still illegal in a lot of places and frowned upon in most, and you don't know who's "out" to their friends and families, much less employers. Don't call people by their "scene names" outside kinky contexts (not only is yelling "Hey Mistress DarkFyre!" at someone on the street gauche, but yelling "Hey Jennifer!" can also cause her problems if the people she's with don't know her as Jennifer) and don't talk about who attends kinky events. Don't talk about where or when kinky events are, either. Careless words can absolutely devastate people and sometimes entire scenes.

Also, three notes on kink etiquette:
1) Don't touch people or their toys, even casually, without asking.
2) Call people by the names and pronouns they give you, even if they seem hopelessly silly.
3) Do not act submissive or dominant to someone unless you have negotiated this with them. (And don't let anyone do this to you.) You're all just people and all equals until you specifically agree to act otherwise.


Step 4: Actually Playing.
This part I can't cover in a quickie one-post guide, but I'll hit the highlights:

-Playing at a party, or with non-participating friends around, is much safer than playing one-on-one. This goes double if your play involves bondage. Use a lot of judgement and vetting before you let someone hurt you or tie you up when there's no one around who would hear you scream. (If you're a top, you're somewhat safer, but there are still untrustworthy or downright dangerous bottoms around, so it's still a good idea to have your first play experiences somewhere with witnesses.) If you are going to play with someone one-on-one, get your kinky friends' opinion on them first or make sure you know them damn well. Before the date, tell a kinky or sympathetic friend who you'll be with and where, and make sure your partner knows that your friend knows.

-Negotiate! That is, before you and your partner lay a finger on each other, sit down and talk about what it is that you propose to do to each other and what you absolutely mustn't do. No need to script the whole scene, but get an idea of what they're looking for--being hit? how hard? being given orders? to do what?--and of their limits. There is no "usual" and almost nothing "goes without saying."

-Always have a safeword. This is a word that stops everything dead. It's the emergency brake, the circuit breaker, the ejection seat. The instant someone uses it, you don't argue and you don't question; you immediately let them out of any bondage, stop any stimulation, drop your role, and just let them cool down. Sometimes that means cuddling them and sometimes it means not touching them, but either way, stay in cool-down mode until you've talked about exactly why they used it and whether they want to start again or call it a day.

Don't be afraid to use your safeword. It doesn't mean you're not strong enough or "real" enough or you're accusing them of doing something wrong. It just means that they're not a mindreader and didn't realize you were feeling bad about what was happening(physically or emotionally), and there's no reason you should tolerate feeling bad in a recreational activity. Relieve them of the need to mindread and tell them.

I like to use a "stoplight" safeword system--red is the true emergency brake, yellow means "ease up, but I'm not done" (I'll also use it to state my needs, as in "yellow, it's hard for me to breathe in this position"), and green means "this is awesome, don't you worry about me, keep on doing the awesome stuff."

Every bit of this goes for tops too.

-Experiment. Within the limits of safety and consensuality, never be afraid to break the mold of what play is "supposed" to look like. Sometimes it's one of you naked and cuffed to a St. Andrew's Cross being flogged; sometimes it's two clothed people on a sofa just using their bare hands. Sometimes it'll have you laughing your ass off, sometimes it'll have you fighting back, sometimes it'll have you in an altered state, sometimes it'll have you coming your brains out. It's all a la carte and you are not doing it wrong.



There's a lot more to say--there's whole books more to say--but I think that's a decent beginning.

53 comments:

  1. > And call people by the names and pronouns they give you, even if they're really silly.

    Now I'm tempted to go to a kink event just to make everyone call me something incredibly weird, because I'd find that sort of thing funny.

    On the other hand, viewed from a certain angle that's probably a legitimately dommy thing to do.

    Hm.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I expect my readers to exercise a certain amount of their own judgement as to what constitutes "too silly."

    (I got in a tiff once with a woman who wanted to be addressed as "Goddess [whatever]," because I'm usually okay with appending "Mistress" or "Princess" or whatever even though some people feel that's inappropriate submission, but "Goddess" just hit my personal "oh, come on" limit.)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Pronouns I have no problem with, but I don't call people by honorifics without a preexisting relationship. Honestly, the idea that because I identify as submissive within the context of a negotiated relationship or situation means that I should address all D-types with titles or honorifics just rubs me the wrong way. And to that end, I don't appreciate being called "little Lisette" or "girl" or any other diminutive by someone I don't have an established dynamic with.

    I think my objection is in line with note number 3, but I think that it can sometimes conflict with note number 2.

    ReplyDelete
  4. When I negotiated with subs back in the day, one of the big things I would ask is "How do you want a scene to make you feel." It's a good question for drawing out novice subs who aren't sure what they want to do or have done to them - "I want to feel lovingly owned, like a pet" will tend to suggest a very different sort of scene from "I want to feel like a disgusting worm" or "I'm just curious to see how much pain I can withstand".

    I mean, obviously with everything in BDSM being a la carte (love that metaphor) it's possible to crave behaviours and attitudes that seem incongruous with each other, and I would always, always ask a sub about their physical limits. But "how do you want to feel" makes a great starting point.

    Okay I'm done with the unsolicited advice now. :)

    -perversecowgirl

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ok, I won't show up to your next kink event and ask to be called "Tarquin Fin-tim-lim-bim-lim-bin-bim-bin-bim-bus-stop F'tang-f'tang Olé-y Biscuit-barrel."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry but laughed largely on that one :)

      Delete
  6. This is interesting because it's something I'm going through right now. I would perhaps add that getting involved takes some work. Maybe even a lot of work. Like most relationships I supposed?

    But for me, just starting out, and also being a full time students and part time worker I often lack the energy needed to go to a munch or play party (that are often, because of where I live 45 minutes to an hour away or more). So, I guess what I'm saying is, as with most things, if you have a lot of other shit going on it's probably not the right time to start getting into the kink community.

    ReplyDelete
  7. As it regards people and names - occasionally, I've had to very carefully ask someone their preferred pronoun, as their physical body, and the terms I had heard them referred to as, didn't appear to match. Speaking personally, I've found that clarifying (no matter how silly it seems) is a good way to make a positive impression.

    As for titles, I know that there is an ongoing kerfluffle regarding the 'So-and-So is not my master, so why should I use that title?' In my local group, several people share the same first name, so [Title A][name] and [Title B][name] is an efficient way to distinguish between them in conversation, even if I have no intention of acknowledging the authority the title implies.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I've been interested in going to a munch for a while, and I know there is one that meets in my neighborhood. I live in a big city, but I go to school here and it's a really insular University neighborhood. I run into students and professors I know at the grocery store etc. all the time, and I'm really nervous about running into them at the munch. Is there an etiquette for seeing someone you know from other contexts in kink-land? Like your thesis advisor?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thanks for this, Holly. I'm finding it/found it difficult, though, because I'm a bit socially awkward and anxious. But joining FL and looking there without the in-person is a definite fail.

    It's sometimes too easy to forget there's a person behind the screen and skimp on the respect online.

    ReplyDelete
  10. @Emma

    I haven't run into my thesis advisor, but I have run into other students and old teachers in the kink community. My standard approach is to walk up to them and go, "Hi, I'm [name]. I don't believe we've met." with a smile.

    It's a subtle way of saying, "What happens in Kinkville stays in Kinkville."

    ReplyDelete
  11. I really like this introductory text.

    Productivity notwithstanding, I hope you get laid again soon. :)

    Negotiate! That is, before you and your partner lay a finger on each other, sit down and talk about what it is that you propose to do to each other and what you absolutely mustn't do. No need to script the whole scene, but get an idea of what they're looking for (...) There is no "usual" and almost nothing "goes without saying."

    Negotiation can be so much fun and inspiration. For me it's important to separate the time frames 'Now we negotiate' from 'Now we do BDSM'. We do each on different occasions, usually even different days. I'm not sure how important such a clear separation is for others though.

    Negotiation is easily overlooked by people who get their so-called 'information' about BDSM from performed porn, because in commercial products for entertainment purposes, the negotiation part is usually not shown.

    Some stuff I'd add:

    You may crave partners, but you need friends.
    Yes! And in friends, you don't need to look for overlap in kink interests, let alone compatibility. You can have valuable, cherished kinky friends in people you'd never play with.

    You can be a kinky person building that important network of kinky friends, with or without organised groups. For some, a local community turns out to be informative and helpful. If a local munch or other group disappoints you after you've been there two or three times (for example: because there's too much repellent sexism floating around), you can still be a practising kinky person without that local group.

    Playing at a party, or with non-participating friends around, is much safer than playing one-on-one.
    And if you are not into playing in public – nobody has to. Don't let anyone pressure you into playing when you don't choose so yourself, neither one-on-one, nor in public.

    Don't call people by their "scene names" outside kinky contexts
    And the reverse. Don't call people by their given names in kinky contexts, unless they use it there themselves. This exists as a form a bragging: 'I'm so Inner Circle that I call So-and-So by their given name'. It goes for online communication too. If I wouldn't say their given name to strangers at a kink event, I won't type it either.

    While Fetlife is definitely interesting and vast, there are many more and diverse places online to check out for information and socialising.

    ReplyDelete
  12. "to serve others or to serve" should probably read "to serve others or to be served"

    ReplyDelete
  13. Emma - I've met people I knew on the "outside" at munches, and after a while, it's less awkward and more "hey, we have more in common than we thought! awesome!" Remember that a munch is not a sticky sexual meat-market atmosphere; it's a social gathering. So even a professor showing up to a munch is only weird in the "professor at the bar" way, not in the "professor hitting on you" way.

    Plus, it's a mutually assured destruction situation. No one can say "I saw Emma out with the gross freaky perverts!" without explaining exactly why they were in the room at the time.

    ReplyDelete
  14. My current partner does not seem interested in being part of a community of any kind, and kink doesn't seem to hold much of interest for them. Obviously if I ever start getting into it we have to have some discussions about the terms of our relationship, but I'm just wondering...is it acceptable to look for friends and knowledge but not necessarily intend to find partners within the community? Should I just stick to online sources? I've been feeling conflicted for a while, and I feel embarrassed for writing this comment at all, but your post topic is just so RELEVANT to my concerns.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so glad I found this site and I have the same questions. I have actually been married 23 years and while for the most part it is very comfortable, this is not a subject my husband will discuss. When I used the word kinky to describe by desires I am told essentially "No" as the word in itself is somehow offensive, and he is so judgmental of sexual expression, I feel lost at times and while I will never leave this relationship till my children are on their own, I feel a need to just understand my feelings. I am not looking to have an affair and I'm not even sure if what I'm looking for can be found at all. I just wish I could find a female friend, Sub or Dom, to talk to so I didn't feel so isolated.

      Delete
    2. Anon: I have also been married for 23 years and although I have asked my husband some leading questions about what he might be willing to do, I've not been brave enough to use the "K" word. We were playful with tying up as newlyweds but not for a long time now. Lately it's all I can do to catch his attention between TV commercials or before he dozes off. In all fairness, he works hard all day and deserves to relax, but then so do I. Plus I tend to do most of the traditional female household chores as well as a full-time job. I have been thinking a lot about how I never really intended to have a career. I wanted to have a traditional homemakers role in life and I have always gotten a secret thrill from a swat on the bum... My children are almost grown and over the years we've worked through everything that's come along but I don't see us on the same page here. A larger issue (for me) is that while I work to stay in shape (my husband does not) sometimes I feel that it is too late in life for me to embrace such drastic changes in my sex life.
      Good luck to you.

      Delete
  15. Cat, it's totally acceptable to seek friends/knowledge exclusively in the kink community.

    Anyone who tells you otherwise should be shunned.

    Just be open about it; the only real source of awkwardness / conflict is if you don't let someone who wants to play know that you're not looking for a partner.

    Which can be as easily as "I'm sorry, I'm not looking to play today" or "I'm monogamous".

    ReplyDelete
  16. @Cat - It is *totally* acceptable to just look for friends and knowledge! If anyone says otherwise, I would seriously suspect him/her of being a creep.

    Look for events that are geared toward non-meat-market-y socializing and education, like munches, classes, discussions, and demos.

    With play parties, I would ask the host, but I've never been to a play party where it is not acceptable to attend with the intention of just hanging out and respectfully observing. Depending on the dress code or mood of the party, it's nice to wear something fetishy/sexy/festive to add to the atmosphere, though.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Cat - As people have said, it's absolutely fine to attend BDSM events purely for information and socialization--at munches and classes, that's all anybody does. (Play parties are a maybe and depend on the host and crowd; although you never have to play, I'd ask first before attending a party with the intention to just hang out and chat. Also they often cost money.)

    If you tell people you're not looking to play, you shouldn't get any grief for it, and if anyone tries to convince you otherwise, they're the creep.

    ReplyDelete
  18. @Latining,

    What a great line, that takes some panache. Would it be rude to acknowledge that you know someone from "outside"? Pretending not to know someone doesn't seem like it would promote a totally chill social environment, which people always say munches are.

    @ Holly,

    I feel like it would be awkward because I'd be "outed" in a way, not because I couldn't socialize at all with professors or people I knew in other contexts. People at the university assume already assume I go to bars so they aren't shocked when they run into me. I'm a grad student so I and everyone around me is well over 21, and, well, grad students like to drink. I guess it just feels awkward because BDSM is a community but also some intensely personal and private practices. I've been to clubs/parties before and I just alternate between "wow that rope pattern looks so cool" and "OMG why are all these naked people hitting each other in front of my face?!"

    This is probably why I need to go to a munch and make kinky friends.

    Love the MAD analogy, I will totally think of that if I do run into someone.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I have a question about munches. Holly, I know you live in our area, so you might be able to throw in some personal knowledge here, but anyone else, feel free!

    I'm interested in going to a munch with my husband, but I'm a little worried about coming out multi in a situation like that, especially since we don't know anybody in our kink-specific scene chunk. (Having had no exposure to munches or anything before, I don't know how acceptable ageplay is in those circles. I don't know much, but I'm under the distinct impression that all kinks are NOT created equal.)

    Can you offer any advice on how trans or multi friendly such spaces might be? Because I'd like to avoid the "we aren't comfortable with you, please GTFO and DIAF" crap if I can. I'd like to think I've handled prior instances with decent social grace, but it still sucks ass.

    --Rogan

    ReplyDelete
  20. Rogan,

    I can't speak for Holly, but all of the kink scenes that I would ever consider myself a member of are trans- and multi-friendly, and consider ageplay (play, that is, not actual under-the-age-of-consent partners) to be entirely acceptable.

    Even the kink scene in my area which I'm -not- part of (Baltimore's BDSM scene), they are multi- and trans-friendly, though I can't comment as to their opinions on ageplay. And the DC scene is supremely accepting to all RACK-compliant kinks. :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hunh. Thanks for the fetlife link. I went to explore, fully expecting not one other person from my mid-size town to be registered. Well, maybe a few. But: Almost 2000! Wow.

    One or two the guys on there from my town, are looking for 24/7. They sound exactly like the guys on the spearhead, wanting completely subservient women. But at least they're on a fetish site, so they acknowledge that it's fantasy and/or rare, not to be expected or demanded. Today's theory--maybe the men on the Spearhead and other patriarchy whinging sites have mistaken their fetishes for the way life should be? Where's the dividing line, anyways, between what we come to want and what we think is the natural (divinely ordained!) order? Kink or entitlement?

    ReplyDelete
  22. @Emma

    It's entirely approach. Of course, I use this for people I actually have a relationship with (in your example, your thesis advisor). If I see, say, English Professor #12 with whom I only had one class, I'm not going to go over and say hi. In this case, it lets you talk to someone you know in a non-kinky context, and you can establish a rapport without the danger of accidentally outing someone.

    In essence, you're the one making contact, but you're leaving it up to them to define the relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Rogan - The Boston scene is definitely very trans-friendly; I don't know about multi just because I don't know if there are any multiples in the scene, but in general we're very accepting. (There are some individual jerks, but sadly those are everywhere. I like to think they're a minority in my scene.)

    If you do make it out to a munch (I usually go to the Cambridgeside munch and some of the TNG ones), say hi! I'm the short girl with very messy red hair.

    ReplyDelete
  24. @Rogan, I agree with Holly completely. I only go to the Cambridgeside munch, but I know most of the crew from the TNG ones as well. Everyone (except the aforementioned individual jerks) has been trans-friendly, and ageplay is absolutely accepted. I know quite a few people who are involved in ageplay, actually. Like Holly, I haven't met any multiples in the scene to my knowledge, but I think our group is generally open and accepting, and would be more likely to show curiosity than animosity.

    I'm not using my IRL name/google account, but if you'd like to have another contact at the munch before showing up, I'll likely be hanging out with Holly & co.

    -Mochi

    ReplyDelete
  25. Oh my god I love you so much, Holly! How could I miss it? How could I miss FetLife? I can't believe I was searching in the wrong language all the time! Thank you, I never thought Spain had so many kinky people, seriously kinky people who want to teach and learn and have fun and oooh thank you thank you thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  26. RE: Holly and Mochi

    That sounds kinda good. Unless there's one coming up in the next couple weeks, I won't be able to go (surgery gonna knock me flat till June), but I'll keep it in mind. I admit that I feel more at ease coming out in the presence of someone else I at least sorta know is okay with it.

    Is there a specific name for these munches? Googling 'cambridgeside munch' gets me jack.

    --Rogan

    ReplyDelete
  27. Rogan - There's one next week. Googling "Cambrigeside munch" should get you jack, however, because blah blah Secret Squirrel nonsense, so email me at pervocracy@gmail.com and I'll give you the details. (It's also listed on Fetlife, but only visible to members.)

    ReplyDelete
  28. having only been introduced to BDSM in the last 2 years and with only one partner with whom I feel completely safe, this opened my eyes to things I hadn't known before. it's not that I haven't loved everything he and I have done, but it's nice to know that there is a whole world for me to explore...with or without him....THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!

    ReplyDelete
  29. @V
    you weren't searching in the 'wrong' language at all. :)

    In addition to people from Spain you can find via English language sites, there are internet resources with info and for meeting people in Spanish too – and in many other languages.

    http://ranai.wordpress.com/es

    ReplyDelete
  30. Rogan --

    I hear the cambridgeside munch is getting pretty big these days, and that might be intimidating. I also hear that there's greeters, but I'm not sure if people are still doing that. My standard advice is, if you've got any friends who are kinky or open-minded, you might find yourself more comfortable with a friend to lean on. Or hide behind, as the case may be.* Munches can be intimidating.

    Also, I think, you don't have to come out right away or be ambassadors, and you don't have to put on your consensus face, unless you want to. You can just be yourselves. I'd expect plenty of ignorant mistakes toward you, but very few malicious ones.

    Trans people are pretty common in the scene. I doubt you'll have any problems there.


    * I'm having trouble with giving this advice, but I'm leaving it in because maybe a meatspace friend would be better support for you. And because if you do become the novelty-of-the-day, a meatspace ally might be able to divert attention from you. It still feels a little weird to suggest that you bring a friend when you're going to have your husband right there with you, but there you go.

    ReplyDelete
  31. RE: miette

    Holly's already volunteered to meet up with us beforehand, tell us the lay of the land, so I think we'll be okay.

    And I think we'll have to be out, otherwise we can't both talk. Me and Ro are too different in voice and tastes to really get away with it otherwise. (It'll likely be just me and him because no kids.)

    So no worries, I think we'll be just fine!

    --Mac

    ReplyDelete
  32. Ah, please let me clarify: I don't mean, don't be out, but I mean, you may not need to come out.

    Like... I'm poly, but I don't tell everyone unless they need to know. It's not a secret, it just doesn't come up. Like how I behave around people who already know and accept that I'm poly.

    Presumably you'd explain if you switched fronts while talking to someone... but you could also choose not to, and let them sit with their puzzlement.

    I give pretty much this advice to anyone who's got a thing they have to come out about, as a third path between the closet and the ambassadorship.

    I'm sorry if I was unclear! And I hope you both have a great time. :)

    ReplyDelete
  33. I must say the whole scene seems a bit more complicated out there. Here in little Sweden most of the alternative/black-wearing people I know have some light kinks and at the very least know quite a few scene people. Most are fairly open about their interests. Really few seem to feel any need to be undercover about it.

    As for my level of involvement, curious but not involved in the scene.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Don't forget that many of you probably already have kinky friends and don't even know if. The friends I already have from school/other generic sources are my best resources for kink and other sex related activities. The problem is that it's hard to open up to people if you don't know how they will react. If you can find a away around this, you'll probably realize that kinky people are EVERYWHERE.

    ReplyDelete
  35. How similar are munches across the country/around the world? How much of the "munches are wonderful, they're fun, they're low-key" from people in Seattle or Boston or DC or Atlanta applies to New York?

    ReplyDelete
  36. Question/comment: As far as not being obligated to do anything at a play party or club, I kind of got mixed signals about that coming in to the scene (and I still get them.)

    Some places (specifically the Lesbian Sex Mafia in NYC) have a "no tourists" policy which confused me as to what that meant in my case, as I wasn't 100% sure if I was "really" kinky at that point. There's also the issue of dress codes, stated or just heavily implied, that seem particularly aimed at getting women and subs to show off the wares (and buy crazy expensive clothing that's unwearable in almost any other context)

    IsaacSapphire

    ReplyDelete
  37. Hello, I'm wondering if anyone can point me in the right direction to find out more information for a munch in New South Wales, Australia. This is my first time enquiring online, even though I've been interested in BDSM for years.

    I've only just managed to tell my husband, after 8 years of marriage that this is something I need to explore. He's keen but totally clueless. I had a few years of a shockingly low libido, I think probably due to pregnancies/breastfeeding/sleep deprivation.

    In the last few months my libido has skyrocketed and I basically now can't get enough, much to my husbands delight...

    Anyway I'm hoping we can further explore together as a couple and would appreciate any help. I would prefer to stay anonymous at this stage. Thanks for your time :)

    ReplyDelete
  38. Thank you that was very informing. =)

    ReplyDelete
  39. I've been thinking the few times I saw a mention of a munch that maybe I'd like to find one in the local area and go and what you've said here makes me think that even more. I and my partner are monogamous and pretty on the light end of things so it's not like either of us is looking for more people to 'play' with..... but it might be kewl to have more people to _talk_ with....

    ReplyDelete
  40. Great article, thank you for sharing! Off to see what else you have here.

    ReplyDelete
  41. I am very curious. I have talked with a Master for quite some time...but I have no understanding about what my role would be. I know he wants to hurt me ...I am incredibly aroused by what he tells me and had me do. I have read the technical explainations but I want to please him and I'm not sure how to go about that.

    ReplyDelete
  42. I know I'm coming into this discussion a couple years late but I found this post after reading another article on how to approach someone with BDSM interests. Fantastic write up here. But I have to say, I thought "Your First Munch" meant something completely different! The other article I mentioned is https://www.slixa.com/late-night/403-bdsm-101-negotiating-kinky-play-with-a and compliments your post here very well.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Okay this may sound stupid but, how old were you when you sparked an interest in BDSM? Cause well you see I'm quite young, and I don't plan on engaging in it anytime soon. I'm just going to do A LOT of research. And find out every thing I can about BDSM. Just something about it sparks an interest in me. Oh and I'm still a virgin. And I was wondering if it would be better to loose my virginty with a vanilla partner before I have a dominant partner. And I was also wondering if you could be a mistress and submissive? I have so many questions and the best answers I've gotten so far is from this

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know if this has been answered for you but yes you can and its generally called being switch, I am switch 85/15 dom if I had to put it to numbers. as to virginity that is totally a personal question and there is no right or wrong.

      Delete
  44. Anonymous from December 2nd, 2013 there is something called switching where you can switch between the top/bottom role. One scene you might be on top whipping/doing whatever and another scene you might be on the bottom being whipped/having whatever done to you. Maybe you even switch with the same partner.

    In terms of virginity it is up to you. Some of the best dominants are really good at reading their submissives and understanding them. That concern and compassion might improve your first experience. A vanilla is fine too. But you shouldn't feel oh no those dominants are horrible people, I want to lose my virginity to a vanilla person. Which isn't to say that there aren't people calling themselves dominant who treat women poorly or do not care what their partner is feeling.

    I saw the most amazing and romantic scene at a play party. I suspect most woman would love the man behind that scene to be their dominant. The aftercare when the dominant and submissive were cuddling was really one of the most romanic things I have ever seen. Some people don't do aftercare at all and it varies with each couple.

    But I believe your first time could be just as romantic with a dominant as it could be with a vanilla, and maybe even more so.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Living in the country it is hard to find anyone interested in BDSM. Does anyone else have thus proplem? Men like the vanilla where as I want that dominant man.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Eve: As much as I would like to believe everything I read It's actually very hard to get in to this lifestyle and find people that you can call friends .Please note that I'm Not trying to be disrespectful to anyone or sound vain but honestly there is certain "type" that attends clubs and certain "type"that attends underground events and these events are only in the tight community so it's kind of hard to find where to go when your new to this and you have certain standards. This lifestyle is still taboo it's very difficult to talk about it with everyone specially for a young woman , it's actually scary sometimes .

    ReplyDelete
  47. anonymous I am clueless about where to go offline to meet like minded people I have tried the whole internet thing but nothing came of it. I do not have any munches close by to get to frankly I am a little scared and confused. am I normal? Want to try the fantasy out but I do not have a girl friend.

    ReplyDelete
  48. That was a really informative article, i didn't know about the rules to use in the communities and it got me interested in wanting to go to a munch. There is just one thing that prevents me. I'm quite young... 17 to be precise, and though I know i'm interested in BDSM and did a lot of information searching and even kind of know what i'm interested in and what not... i'm afraid that i will be unwelcome or well... told to go home since i'm not even legally a grown up...

    ReplyDelete