Thursday, March 4, 2010

Oak Creek, Wisconsin.

423 miles today. I deliberately stopped earlier than I could've so that I could meet some blog people! Hi Strings and Spoon!

I also don't have time to write a travelogue because I was all busy hanging out with Strings and Spoon, so you won't get to hear about my amazing journey through Minnesota and Wisconsin. (They're both flat and snowy. Wisconsin has a lot of trees and Minnesota has fewer. You've now experienced eight hours of my day in about eight seconds.)

Instead I want to share one of my fascinations: blatantly imaginary "reviews" on sex toy sites! Some of these are jokes but I think most of them are wank fantasies. Extreme Restraints has some of the best ones.

(All links are SO NWS it's not even funny. People say "why do you warn NWS, it's already a sex blog," but man, there's NWS that's a few dirty words and a mildly suggestive banner, and then there's NWS that's a giant butthole across your screen.)

I don't think a single one of these are true.
The next day, she introduced me to the neighbor's German Sheppard - O my Gawd, I'd never been done like that before, and when he knotted up, I begged her to take the CB-2000 off - NOW, I understand why people enjoy animals! But she wasn't done, yet! She lubed up her hand, and introduced me to Fisting! [..] As I began to cum, she pushed a full beer can up my ass! [..] She popped the top on the beer, and drank it with a straw, before releasing my hands.

Some items are so insane they deserve insane reviews.
Then he woud take me out to his garage ( live in a houseing davelopment) open the door, and hang me up for anyone to come play with. He would put 9oz. nipple clamps one me and a but plug up my ass. Then leave at first no one played with me during the day, so Master put a sing up that said " Sex slave: play with her for free" then people started comeing. Mostly house wives in the moring, then high schoolers in the afternoon, then bissness men in the eveing.

But even relatively ordinary items get the crazy treatment.
At first, I was restrained in these only around our farm for a couple of hours. They would be padlocked behind my back, and my fur-lined leather collar around my neck with the leash attached. This would be all that I was wearing as my husband led me around outside. The feelings of potential exposure and actual helplessness got my juices flowing and put a buldge in his pants, which led to some hot face, pussy, and ass fucking outdoors. At first, I didn't want to swallow cum or take it up my ass, but I had no choice and I learned to love it.

This one doesn't have funny reviews, I just love the models' attempts at looking smoky and intense while wearing ridiculous devices.

I never understand people who have fantasies about doing something strenuously sexual or being in bondage for all day or multiple days. Maybe I'm just too practical-minded, but I think I want to have sex for a few hours and be vigorously penetrated for a few minutes. It's not that I'm not way horny for those few minutes, but... I know my limitations.

Oh yeah, baby. Pound me with your moderately sized cock for a few minutes. Tie me in a comfortable position for a reasonable amount of time. Oh God, it's so tolerable.


  1. Yeah, I'm also calling "bullshit" on the one about the lady being hung up in the open garage for "anyone to come play with". Even if you were insanely turned on by the idea of finding a helpless woman in an open garage in the middle of a housing development, wouldn't you feel like Chris Hanson was going to walk up with a camera crew at any second or something?

    And, also, isn't that like, completely unsafe and stuff? I mean, call me "vanilla", but is it a good idea to play with just _ANYONE_? I know men will fuck anything (hurr de hurr hurr), but really this whole scenario sounds completely implausible at either end.

  2. So that's what happened to all the folks who used to post "Family Circus" reviews on Amazon.


  3. Oh yeah, baby. Pound me with your moderately sized cock for a few minutes. Tie me in a comfortable position for a reasonable amount of time. Oh God, it's so tolerable.

    *dying with laughter*

  4. I saw one review of...I forget now, I think it was a butt plug with a hole in it for inserting an enema tube. And the dude claimed that he was using this thing to fill his wife's colon with urine, leftover cocktails, etc., etc., for days until she was so bloated she looked pregnant. In between pouring stuff up her ass, he'd make her go places with him, like grocery shopping and stuff.

    Yuckiest thing I've ever read. And now you guys get to enjoy it to. Nyah. :P