Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Cosmocking: January '10!

Bubblegum pink cover! Amanda Bynes! Her outfit is nice except for a weird belt around her belly and no belt in her actual belt loops! I just realized that the women on Cosmo covers never wear bras! Best headline: "Your Hoo-Ha Handbook: Get a Healthy, Sexy Vagina"! Some supermarkets put a black plastic thing in front of the stack of Cosmos for decency's sake and I don't blame them!

Every month Cosmo has a feature called "The Real Story" in which a "body-language expert" analyzes a few photos of a famous couple and tells you whether their relationship is happy or not. Because people's chance expressions in paparazzi snaps give you a pretty good window into their true feelings.
On the surface, they look like one big, happy family, but the couple displays subtle signs the bond may not be strong. There's a gap between them, and while A-rod gazes directly at Kate, she appears distracted and looks in the opposite direction.
She doesn't stare at him constantly! She averted her eyes from him for at least 1/100th of a second! Their relationship must be crumbling!

Show him who's in charge with a flick of your wrist. Instead of just unbuckling his belt, grab the buckle and pull it fiercely from the loops. Then add a little flourish by snapping it like a whip before tossing it aside.
Okay, I'm trying this, and I have a considerable advantage over most Cosmo girls in that I actually know how to crack a whip. Out of ten attempts, I hit myself four times and looked like a complete dork ten times. (And cracked zero times, a belt is too short and heavy and has no popper.) I imagine that an undressed man a few inches away from this dorkery would not have fared well.

Conventional wisdom says that a woman should ask a date questions to draw him out instead of talking about herself. Well, science now says screw that. A recent study shows that guy dig chicks who use the word "I" often. Of course you don't want to monopolize the conversation, but telling personal stories and referring to yourself can go a long way.
Okay, so I can talk about myself, but not too much, and also ask him some questions, but not too many, and use the word "I", but don't monopolize, and for God's sake act natural!

There's a "paper doll" feature with cut-outs of male celebrity faces that you're supposed to stick on top of a picture of a naked model holding a towel over his cock to create a simulated celebrity nude. Huh. I'm really not sure what to make of this. ...Huh.

I dunno, man, I'd rather see the model's own face. Rest of him ain't bad.

The cover hype: 100% Hotter Sex: Thrill Every Inch of His Body Using a Move No Woman Has Dared to Try on Him Before.
The actual article: girl-on-top sex. Wow. That was worth my $4.79.

Lower yourself onto him in a sideways sitting position, and rub your butt back and forth over his abs and thighs like a windshield wiper while he's inside you.
Huh? What? Sideways? Like a windshield wiper? I can't picture this at all. I think I've almost got it visualized, but no, that would break something, that can't be right. Are we talking regular car windshield wipers or those bus ones that have a swivel?

Join a flag-football league, and feel each other up midgame.
This would be 500% more entertaining (and sexier!) with a tackle football league. As it is, you're just going to seriously piss off everyone who came to play football.

"I bought a belly-dancing outfit, turned on some exotic music, and attempted to give my guy a sexy striptease. But all he did was laugh hysterically at the show--for the next 10 minutes. I burst into tears and locked myself in the bathroom until he apologized."--Julie, 29
Maybe it's just me, but I can't imagine locking myself in the bathroom over something like that. I imagine myself, depending on what kind of laughter, either A) laughing along and throwing the outfit aside and falling into his arms naked like God intended, or B) getting right in his fucking face and telling him that if my body is fucking funny to him he doesn't fucking deserve it. Locking yourself in the bathroom is ridiculous teenager shit, and I wouldn't entirely blame him if he just walked away and left you to unlock yourself in your own sweet time.

There's breaking news in "guy world": many committed guys are treating themselves to a little too much one-handed fun, and it could leave both of you feeling less than satisfied in bed. [...] Once you've gotten it out in the open, the best course of action is for him to simply stop cold turkey. [...] If he is resistant, you may need to seek out the help of a therapist.
Oh what the fuck Cosmo. What the fuck. No, Cosmo. NO.

(Among many, many other objections: this is like the exact opposite of "breaking news." I don't think this is "breaking news" among monkeys.)

Q: My boyfriend is extremely possessive. We've dated for a year, and in that time, I've never even thought about cheating on him. But he still gets upset when I as much as talk to other men. I've basically lost all my guy friends, and I'm fed up. How can I get him to understand that I'm not going to cheat on him?
A: [...] try asking him why he's so jealous--like you said, you've never done anything to justify him feeling that way. If he can open up about it, great. You guys may be able to come to an understanding and strengthen your relationship in the process.

Cosmopolitan magazine: getting women beaten since 1965!

There's probably more stupid stuff but I can't read any more after this. This guy is psycho, he's separating her from her friends, this letter has more red flags than a bullfight, and Cosmo's advice is that she should confront him and try to strengthen the relationship. SHE IS GOING TO GET HER ASS BEAT, Cosmo. Oh, probably she doesn't exist or the publication cycle is too slow to be relevant, but maybe she's reading, and certainly other women in her situation will be reading, and maybe your advice could help them protect their emotional and physical safety. If you weren't a bunch of FUCKING ASSHOLE IDIOTS.




This marks the first time I've actually written to Cosmo about their content. You can do it right here and maybe a human might read it? Potentially. (If you do, be a dear and don't mention Cosmocking. Although everything I reprint here is fair use of small excerpts for parody and criticism, I'd rather not risk drawing the heat.)

17 comments:

  1. Q: Every month I spend a hard-earned $4.79 on _Cosmo_, and every month they manage to piss me off even more than the previous time. Should I lock myself in the bathroom until they apologise?

    A: They are a bunch of FUCKING ASSHOLE IDIOTS. Buy beer instead.

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  2. Glad you wrote to them over that advice!

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  3. I'd be really interested to hear whether you ever hear back from them.

    Dollars to donuts (mmm, donuts...) the girl with the possessive boyfriend is just as fictional as all the horny co-eds in Penthouse Letters; but your right... Cosmo is crossing a line here, from harmless silliness to gross negligence.

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  4. I *love* this:

    "I've almost got it visualized, but no, that would break something"

    Great review.

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  5. I have no doubt that this magazine and my obessive memorization of it during my middle school and high school years is the cause of 90% of my early relationsip sex problems.

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  6. wrm - It's a tough job, but someone has to keep the world informed on cutting-edge "how to be a bimbo" news.

    Combining beer and Cosmo eases the burden somewhat.


    Lawrence - If she's fictional it's almost worse, because that means Cosmo deliberately wrote out a bunch of red flags just to ignore them. It'd be easy for an invented story to describe a milder and more salvageable situation, but no, they had to go whole hog into crazyland.

    Also, there are other women with creepy-possessive boyfriends who do exist and are reading.

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  7. I doubt it was Belly-Dance-Girl's body her boyfriend found funny. I know a number of women who do Middle-Eastern dance. That shit is hard. What was funny is that BDG's first attempt probably looked about as coordinated as a 4 year old's entry to the "talent show".

    Yes, the pros make it look easy. Michael Schumacher makes driving an F1 car look easy too. Doesn't mean you're going to turn hot lap times your first time behind the wheel, either.

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  8. perlhaqr - True, and that's why option A) is usually correct, but if the laughter is exceptionally harsh I reserve a harsh-right-back option.

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  9. I'd bet that there was no discussion and little to no practice of the attempted belly-dancing beforehand either. It was probably more of a "Hey honey, watch this". Thusly it got the well deserved laughter.

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  10. I'm thoroughly convinced that Cosmo's letters are either invented or so heavily edited that they may as well have been.

    But I had something weird happen. I was reading the January 2010 Glamour and found its sex advice sensible and useful. Among the revelations: not orgasming from penetration alone is perfectly normal, stickign food in a vagina (and they even said "vagina"!) can cause an infection, and anal sex not only exists but can result in female orgasm. Shocking!

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  11. Unless a hospital trip is involved, it is impossible to have "too much one-handed fun." Therapy? Don't involve the-rapists in my happy-fun-times unless it involves said hospital trips or whipping it out in public.

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  12. Masturbation isn't a problem unless he's masturbating *instead* of having sex with you, in which case that advice might be semi-warranted (but still over-the-top), or you find it icky and disturbing, in which case you're the one who needs counseling.

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  13. Excessive masturbation could result in a desensitized cock, which could be overcome but might be disappointing or inconvenient.

    Also, I got a look at the cover tonight, and have to say that until now I thought Amanda Bynes was cute.

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  14. LOL at "get a healthy, sexy vagina." It's a freakin' fibromuscular tubular tract, INSIDE YOUR BODY. As far as I know, the way to have guys find it "sexy" is to have it be a warm, wet hole they can fuck.

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  15. I would love, love, LOVE to see you review the book "Why He Didn't Call You Back", Holly. That book was pretty much exactly the "talk about yourself but not too much" crap you pointed out above, only like 200 pages' worth. I bought it hoping for some actual insight and it infuriated me so much that I returned it.

    In case anyone's wondering: the reason he didn't call you back is because he's a picky fucking freak who'll misinterpret one little thing you said or did during an otherwise awesome date and, instead of asking you for clarification, he'll just bolt. It's your job to anticipate which innocuous act might drive him away (it could be anything from petting a dog to not petting a dog to telling him that you really like root beer*) and making sure you don't do it. And for god's sake act natural!

    Oh, and also, grow your hair long and wear skirts and try to conceal your intelligence. Men dig that.

    *these are actual examples.

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  16. Out of ten attempts, I hit myself four times and looked like a complete dork ten times. (And cracked zero times, a belt is too short and heavy and has no popper.)

    Fun fact: Cosmo selects its editors for those whose entire knowledge of "edgy" sexual expression comes from teen sex comedies, and supplies each with a full-time team of foley artists.

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  17. This would be 500% more entertaining (and sexier!) with a tackle football league. As it is, you're just going to seriously piss off everyone who came to play football.

    You know, like your boyfriend?

    "Maybe it's just me, but I can't imagine locking myself in the bathroom over something like that. I imagine myself, depending on what kind of laughter, either A) laughing along and throwing the outfit aside and falling into his arms naked like God intended, or B) getting right in his fucking face and telling him that if my body is fucking funny to him he doesn't fucking deserve it."

    Yeah. That story could be sort of amusing. "I bought an outfit and put on some music and tried to striptease for him... but he just laughed hysterically. When I asked him what was funny he said it just reminded him of a time when he went to a strip club with his dad and the dancer accidentally kicked his dad's drink in his face." Maybe he was laughing at something totally not you? did you think to ask?

    Relationships work best if you assume the worst out of your partner!

    P.S. a girl who does A is going to get kisses while we both giggle maniacly and what transpired. A girl who does B will hear "You know I love your body. Yes, it has its own little quirks and stuff that make me giggle, but that's part of what I love about it! Also that's not what I'm laughing at... just that music, it's ridiculous."

    "There's breaking news in "guy world": many committed guys are treating themselves to a little too much one-handed fun, and it could leave both of you feeling less than satisfied in bed. "

    Now I may be alone in this (I suspect not) but the more I masturbate, the more 2 things happen. 1) I have more desire to be with someone because, well, yeah. 2) I can last longer in bed. I'm really not sure how either of those would lead to her being unsatisfied in bed, nor can I really imagine it really hurting MY satisfaction. Maybe if I was masturbating so much my skin was chafing off...

    "There's probably more stupid stuff but I can't read any more after this. This guy is psycho, he's separating her from her friends, this letter has more red flags than a bullfight, and Cosmo's advice is that she should confront him and try to strengthen the relationship. SHE IS GOING TO GET HER ASS BEAT, Cosmo."

    Let's be fair: she may never have a hand lifted against her. That doesn't take away from your point though.

    Recently I had a run-in with a friend's ex-bf. She came over to my house, see? And we played league of legends with her ex bf, see? Then after she said goodbye to him and we moved onto my couch to watch some My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (yes, that's an awesome date). I take her home, go to class, eat dinner with my dad, and come home to her ex asking me if she was still here and what we did.

    I told him plainly what happened: she and I watched my little pony then I took her home. In response to his response I told him that what she and I did was none of his business and that he had to check himself because he was sending me serious and major "controlling boyfriend" signals and I was definitively not OK with that.

    I know that it's "white knighting" but let me tell you (and everyone else): I don't White Knight because this girl can't face him by herself. I White Knight because this girl shouldn't even *have* to face a boyfriend (LET ALONE AN EX BOYFRIEND) who's going to be this controlling and obsessive. I White Knight because if SHE tells him off about it he might be able to rationalize it, but having a guy you barely know say "Look you're coming off as a controlling asshole" is a major wakeup call... as little as I like to admit it, hearing those words from a guy DOES carry more weight than a girl.

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