Monday, September 14, 2009


No, I am depressed. I'm not hungry, not sleepy, I'm just really fucking lonely.

I'm the sort of person who'd rather have a few very close friendships than a lot of pals. I can have fun with a big social group, but I need a small circle of people I can really trust. And right now I feel like that circle is broken to shit. CC is gone, Danny has a girlfriend who doesn't want him associating with me, I've been single for more than a year, every member of my family has left this city, and so have 90% of my old friends. There's plenty of people I can go drinking with, a decent number I can fuck, but I'm counting on less than one hand the number I can cry to. And even with those few I worry that if I cry very much I'll be a needy burden and they'll get sick of me.

(I'm crying to you now, of course, and most of you aren't so close to me, but ah well, it's just the Internet, it's not for keepsies.)

This is temporary, it always is. When I was a teenager there were times I thought I'd be alone forever but I'm old enough now to know that isn't true. New people are always coming into my life and old ones sometimes surprise me. And when I really need to cry, instead of just emo-whine, more friends than I ever expected are there for me. As long as I'm willing to be a good and giving friend and lover myself, I know I'll get it returned in time. That's not blind faith, that's plain ol' pattern recognition.

I'm still really fuckin' lonely right now though.


  1. Have a hug. This situation rings a lot of bells for me - I have friends issues. However I think even one person you can cry to can be enough and it is okay to ask for help and to cry to people, if you are prepared to also listen to their advice (nothing is more annoying as a person trying to help than when people play the Yes But game on you until you give up suggesting things).

    I know the lonely one, and it's usually a sign that little as I feel like it, I gotta make the odd new or interesting social plan, join a group or club that looks interesting and prove to myself I can meet new people. Plus it is at least a positive thing you can do while you are waiting for this feeling to pass. Do you have an action plan for when you get depressed?

  2. My experience among married couples is that 90% of the time, their spouse is the only person they can cry on. So if you have more than one person who cares for you in that way, I'd say you're doing well.

    But I do know how you feel; I desperately want to make most of my friendships less superficial but don't know how to go about it.

  3. I understand lonely. My best friend moved to South Korea almost a year ago. She may never come back here nor be in my life again. Our circle of friends has kinda fallen apart without her. I also moved an hour away from them, which makes it harder. I have new friends in my new town, but none of them are close. I can't trust any of them to let me cry on their shoulder.

    I have a finance, and when I really need to cry he'll let me. But he's not there for the other things. The talking, the hanging out, the silly time. I miss those all more than I can put into words. At this point I'm trying to get used to life without them, but it ain't easy. There is a serious lack of joy in my world.

  4. I know the feeling.

    Hell, I can't cry at my wife, 'cause then she starts crying and I feel bad.

  5. *Hugs* And if you ever need someone to cry to you can call me. I don't mind, not at all.

  6. I hope with all the hugs you're getting here you're feeling better now (oh, here's one from me *hugs*)
    Btw, where has CC gone, Holly?

  7. I identify with this lots. I've been in similar situations a lot in the last few years because I keep moving so much. Every time I settle in someplace and build that close knit group that I need, I'm off again.

    I hope things get better for you. It does help to know that they eventually will, but it still sucks while the loneliness is rearing its head. I'm sending good wishes.