Monday, December 29, 2008


I've mentioned before in passing that there's a big overlap between perverts and geeks. There are always people wearing their collars at the Ren Faire and people getting into animated discussions of Joss Whedon at fetish meetings. I'm kinda geeky myself--I bet you, uh, never guessed.

Why is this? Well, there are a couple common themes to geekhood and perversion. One is tinkering. Vanillas say "normal sex is so good, I'm happy with it as it is"--geeks know that science must always move forward. Sure, sex is awesome already, but it could be better! We can rebuild it, make it better, stronger, faster. We have the technology.

Another is the lack of inhibitions. Geeks don't care what the world thinks of their 5-months-in-the-making furry cosplay masterpiece; they know that it's awesome and the people who matter will agree. Well, geeks don't care what the world thinks of their sex either.

There's probably some compensation in there too. Geeks didn't get laid in high school--or even if they did, they were still mocked for being unsexy and they probably felt they weren't getting nearly as many sexual privileges as the cool kids. Well, we're grownups now, so in your face, cool kids!

And the most important, probably, is fantasy. Many perversions are really enactments of sex as high drama. Probably the one defining feature of geekery, more concrete than any other, is escapism. So naturally, we have to escape ordinary human sex. My bedroom is a dungeon, my lover a beautiful monster, violence making our sex so much more intense and passionate and dramatic than reality. Perversion creates a heightened world, sexier than mere sex, a world insulated from reality, (a world where you're really awesome cool and sexy) a world you can be swept away in.

I used to run around with my friends and get bruised and dirty playing that we were grand mythical figures. Now I do... really, the same thing, but with less pants.

Sunday, December 28, 2008


I keep putting off looking for a boy because I feel like I'm not attractive enough. I know this is dumb.

A) I'm not getting any more attractive anytime soon, so it's not "putting off" so much as "avoiding."
B) I've met lots of nice boys while wearing this very same face.
C) The worst thing that could happen is that I'll still be single. It's not like if I get rejected too much I'll be doubly single. Or something.
D) You know what's really unattractive? "Wah wah I'm ugly" self-pity.

I don't like being single, and random sex, though fun, leaves a lot of needs unfulfilled. Gotta get back up on that horsie.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Silent night, holy night.

Silent night

missletoe or a camel toe lol

holy night

Exhibitionist male seeking voyuer females to watch me shoot my load.

All is calm

If you aint freakin we aint speakin ;)

all is bright

Well this year was not expected to spend Chrismtas alone but here we go. Life and its surprises.I am french with a big african dick.

Round yon Virgin Mother and Child

Classy Sassy Cougar Seeks Sweet Daddy Chubby Honey

Holy Infant

Sub pussy boi looking for TOP GUYS to come over pull my panties to the side and fuck my pussy hole !!!!

so tender and mild

Done with family - time for cocks

Sleep in heavenly peace

Anyone want a nice christmas candy cane to lick. I have one that's real sweet and you can lick and suck on it all day long.

Sleep in heavenly peace


Wednesday, December 24, 2008


I was at the zoo the other day (the Point Defiance Zoo and Aquarium--Zoolights are on 'til the 4th!) and I saw a Beluga (a white whale) and my first thought was "it looks like a penis."

And I was ashamed.

But then I thought about it. What I mean isn't just that it's an elongated shape, but it's a shape of strength and sinew, of sleekness and grace. There's a lovely symmetry to a beluga's muscular underside, a sense of great power gracefully shaped. They're beautiful animals, and the way they glide their three-thousand-pound bodies through the water with just a flick--and just for the sake of play!--is awe-inspiring.

"Looks like a penis" isn't always goofy or insulting or potty-humorous. A beluga looks like a penis because it is beautiful in the same ways that a penis is beautiful.

Monday, December 22, 2008


I love being naked. I sleep naked every night. (I put on a bathrobe to leave the room, even just to the bathroom--my roommate puts up with enough eccentricity as it is.) Sometimes alone in my room I'll just hang out naked, reading or doing crafts or whatever, just enjoying the feeling of freedom.

One of the many things I love about being in a relationship is hanging out naked together. Even watching TV is more fun without pants, and cooking naked is a blast as long as you're not working with hot oil. (Naked + apron is a pretty sex look too.)

And one of the best damn things in the world is being naked outdoors. It's hard to arrange though. I live in an apartment where the only outdoors space is an extremely visible balcony, and I'm not on nakey terms with anyone who has a private backyard. I've been naked in the tent while camping sometimes. Chilly but fun. Maybe in the summer I can backpack to somewhere sufficiently remote, hopefully with the company of a special friend, and be nakey there.

There's no way to say this without sounding like a creep (and, uh, having a sex blog with 400 posts bragging about what a horny pervert I am probably doesn't help), but I really wish nonsexual nudity was socially acceptable. I wish it was a sociable thing--hey, we're having a party, bring a six-pack and a towel to sit on!

In my sexual utopia, nudity is like taking off your shoes. It's unusual to do in public, but no big scandal if you do, and it's a sign of relaxation to do in private, but no judgement if you don't. And it's true that you usually take off your shoes to have sex, but that doesn't make shoelessness sexually menacing or vulnerable or inviting, it's little more than a coincidence.

As I type this, I'm wearing nothing but glasses and a hairtie, and I am so damn comfy.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Bad ideas for sex toys.

It's sex, so your mileage may and does vary. Hell, I can't keep the same mileage myself for two weeks running. But certain things are just silly.

Like sex dolls. ("Love dolls"--a case in which the euphemism actually makes things worse if you think about it.) I've got no objection to artificial vaginas--Lord knows I've got enough faux penises lying around--but somehow an entire artificial woman seems different. It feels like at that point it's filling an emotional rather than a purely physical need, and that's creepy.

And on a more practical level, they always look freakin' terrible. You get a box that looks like this, holding something that looks like this. (Also available in racist!) If you are trying to replicate the full-body experience of sharing yourself with a woman, this seems somewhat lacking.

Less "silly," and more "peritonitis," there's some very poorly thought-out bondage gear out there. Dear God, what happens if he trips?

Speaking of peritonitis, who among us hasn't pondered the irresistible erotic appeal of a home colonoscopy?

Hey! Haven't you ever wanted dildos modeled after the genitalia of various animals? Of course you have! Try the "Orca," it's life-size!

While you're doing all these terrible things to your butt, make sure and lube it up with some nice anesthetizing benzocaine! Because there's just nothing sexier than "oooh baby, I can't feel that... oh yeah, it's so fucking numb!" (Well, there's one thing sexier: "huh, blood. I didn't feel anything...")

This next one isn't offensive or dangerous, it just looks hilarious.

Even if it weren't being modeled on the slack, pale genitalia of a corpse, this doesn't seem like a good idea either.

I guess it doesn't make a difference here since the fingers are just squishy foam stuff, but does anyone actually have sex like this?

I can't tell if this one is racially insensitive or just baffling. (I once had a rather, ah, "suburban" friend try to tell me "black men have white dicks!" We had to go through eyewitness testimony and multiple photo references before she'd believe me.)

At least the owners of this site know how weird they are. (The entire "Strange Sex Toys" category--and the shameless editorialization therein--is one hell of a read.)

Finally, just be glad you're not a horse. Or the person who provides the "manual stimulation" to the horse.

I've got analogy to this post.

Here's a question I still haven't quite learned to answer like a grown-up:

"So, uh, what're you into?"

Imagine going to the fanciest restaurant in the world. A single meal costs $1000 and you have to wait months for a reservation, but everyone swears that enjoyed properly it's worth every penny. You get there and find there's no menu, just a waiter asking "So, what'll it be?"

Except that they can't make everything, and they might laugh at you if you order something gauche, and might kick you out if you order something that really offends the chef. Other things they'll make but will be bad or mediocre. Some dishes are the best in the world. You don't know what ingredients they've got, what they're good at, or what cuisines they scoff at. There are some almost-safe bets--they've gotta do a decent steak, right?--but absolutely no sureties.

If your answer is "Well, what do you like to cook?", you look like a total dork and they just ask you again.

Order! QUICK! And sound sexy while you're doing it!

By the time I've dealt with the pressure and the risk-reward trade-offs and the urge to weasel-word them until they give me a clue, I've completely forgotten what kind of food I actually like.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Cosmocking: January '09!

Purple cover! Amanda Bynes! Funny, I always thought it was "Byrnes" until now! Wearing a leopard-print dress thing that looks like really tacky old-lady lingerie! One of the cover stories is "Have an Orgasm Every Time" and that strikes me as hyperbole because even I can't do that and if I can't, no one can!

I think this is going to be a short Cosmocking because this issue is really, really, really, really boring. Like, more than usual even.

Surprising Things that Turn Him Off
Being Kinky in Bed (At First)
There's nothing wrong with showing enthusiasm. But when it comes to off-the-wall sexcapades, setting the bar--or stripper pole--too high the first few times can make guys wonder what else you have in common with Jenna Jameson. "It feels weird to say it out loud, but I really don't want a girl to be completely uninhibited in bed when I first start sleeping with her," says John, 27. "I like to feel like we discover some stuff together and then work up to the really experimental stuff."

I'm actually about halfway with John here--it's awesome to discover new ways to have fun together--but only if you're actually discovering them. If you're just biding your time as you reel out the tricks you already knew, it's not experimentation, it's pretense.

Likewise, I know from experience it's bad to take a candy-shop approach to a new partner ("And you should use this knife on me and here's my biggest dildo and how do you feel about pee and and and..."), but overambition is bad for sex at any stage of the relationship, and that's not the same thing as declaring that the first time must be pseudo-reluctant mish or he'll think you're a ho.

Touching a man near his package in any way--with your hand, with your mouth, with your grocery cart at the store--is usually good enough to rev his engine.
I can't tell if they're joking.

Men with blue eyes are more likely to choose a blue-eyed woman as their partner. The reason: since blue eyes are a recessive genetic trait, two blue-eyed parents can only have a blue-eyed kid; a child with any other eye color must have been fathered by another guy. Blue-eyed men subconsciously know this and select women with blue eyes so that they can spot if they've been cheated on.
Or it could just be that people tend to date within their own ethic group. Otherwise I want to see the stats on guys with attached earlobes.

Also, eye color inheritance is complex, and it is possible for a blue-eyed person and a green- or brown-eyed person to have a blue-eyed child. "At least she's not cheating on me with a homozygotic guy!"

Kiss a guy on the right-side of his body. The left hemisphere of the brain, which is responsible for positive feelings, controls the right half of the body. So this way, he will process your presence in the optimistic part of his mind and experience greater pleasure.
Seems like every damn issue of Cosmo has another tip for dating a split-brain patient. I like my men with corpora callosa, yo.

Are you Crazy Enough in Bed?
Hoo boy. There's gonna be a few quotes from this article.

You've probably heard male friends sing the praises of girls who are "crazy in bed." But there's such a thing as good wild (he sees your uninhibited side) and bad wild (he has to see a chiropractor or shrink after the act).
Yes, yes, be kinky, but don't be, you know, kinky. Or something. Fuck, I don't know what this means. I know the chiropractor/shrink thing isn't meant literally, but I'm having a hell of a time figuring out what it is supposed to indicate.

Guys dig women who are enthusiastic in bed. That may mean being up for giving and receiving oral sex, wearing hot lingerie, or asking to go multiple rounds.
Um, wow, that's "crazy?" Isn't it more like "not asexual?"

While men appreciate it when you shake things up in the sack, they do have boundaries (who knew?). Some respondents described such activities as anal sex, playing with their back door, being into S and M, and offering to bring another women to bed as over-the-top for them personally.
Oh nice, we've got a precise line drawn between good kinky (frilly undies!) and bad kinky (actual kink!). For fuck's sake. But this is all really individual. I know guys who'd love to get fucked in the ass but would see a second woman as cheating and beyond their boundaries. I know more guys who'd love a threesome and buttsex but have no interest in pain. The only way you're going to know these things is to ask.

Also, your own desires. Cripes, we could have one damn mention in here of that. Why am I to bend over backwards to be just kinky enough (even if I hate receiving oral) and not too kinky (even if I love it in the butt) and all he has to do is sit there while I make assumptions about what he'd like? Cripes.

Q: I went out to dinner with this guy, and it was great--we got along well, and there was a definite spark. But when it came time to pay, he pulled out a coupon. I'm hardly a princess, but that totally killed it for me. Am I being too hard on him?
If it was a good dinner at a place you liked, why do you care, Princess?

(Completely irrelevant aside: I know two women who are actually named Princess. Some parents...)

Q: I started dating this guy a couple of months ago, but he broke up with me after three weeks. Ever since then, we've been acting like a couple, and he says he's in love with me. But he also says he doesn't want a girlfriend because of "rules" he has for himself. What's his deal?
A: DTMFA. Cripes.

Secret to being a confident chick: Stilletos
Nicole Lapin is one of's youngest anchors. Her job--covering everything from going green to earthquakes--keeps her life exciting. Here's her trick for looking put together: "Classic 4-inch black pumps. They go with anything, and they are sexy and professional."

Hot damn, four inches? That's about as professional as clear plastic platforms with sparklies. (And in earthquake rubble? Never mind comfortable shoes, I want some goddamn steel-toes.) It especially seems like overkill for a job where nobody ever sees your feet.

Dunking the same chip into a dip twice is a major party foul. And as a gracious Cosmo girl, you're obligated to call it out. Smile and in a jovial tone say, "I know men want to swap spit with you, but I don't. No double dipping! [Laugh]"
Good lord, that's awkward.

Monday, December 15, 2008

It's been so long!

The worst part of being single right now, the one thing that cannot be replaced by any combination of emotionally intimate friends and physically intimate pick-ups:


Not light little playful/seductive backrubs, either. Backrubs that dig in and knead and work rock-hard muscles into putty. Backrubs that hurt they're so badly needed. Backrubs that involve fists and elbows. Backrubs that last as long as they need to. (I think maybe some people can get these from their friends? I dunno, I really don't touch my friends much. I wasn't hugged enough as a child.)

Fortunately, unlike most boyfriend services, this can be purchased. I've many times felt waffly about buying a massage and never actually done it, because I get all weird about buying a luxury, I guess. But it's not that expensive, and I can certainly afford just one, and I think it would do absolute wonders for my back and my brain.

Sunday, December 14, 2008


Shit, a whole week? I've been a very naughty blogger. I should be punished. Spanked. Made to tell you what a dirty dirty girl I am and touch myself in my bad places while you watch.

Anyway. Today I want to talk about lube!

I don't need lube for regular sex; I'm sadly not a squirter but I do get plenty juicy. But for the butt, for unreasonably large objects, for extended play, and for the occasional Mystery Juice Failure, there is lube!

The best lube in the world is, I believe, J-Lube. Because it's a power, you can vary the consistency from super-goopy to nearly-water, and one $10 bottle makes a million jillion gallons of lube. (Also, the whole vet-supply thing just makes it so naughty.) It has a really nice, ungreasy texture that's pretty similar to natural ladyjuices, and it's so slippery and so easy to get in copious amounts that it's the canonical fisting lube.

KY stings me. I don't know if this is just a personal idiosyncrasy/allergy, but anyway I can't use it.

Astroglide doesn't sting, but it never worked that well for me. It wears out in about five minutes and when it does it turns really really sticky.

Slippery Stuff Liquid isn't bad I guess, but it's kinda... subtle. Almost water. It's good for going from dry to wet, but if you need to go from wet to dripping, it's just not enough. I think it's okay for vaginal sex or maybe if you're experienced at anal, but nothing heavy-duty.

I heard a lot of people sing the praises of silicone lube, so I tried ID Millennium and it's got good points and bad points. Good: a tiny amount is soooo slippery and it lasts forever. Bad: it feels kinda greasy and it never goes away. If you spill a single drop anywhere it's a huge pain to clean up--it will not dry, it will not absorb--and even if you don't spill it stays on your hands and genitals for hours. This stuff would be great lube if only it came with an antidote.

(Also, you never heard me say this, but it works surprisingly well for styling your hair. Just a little bit gives such lovely shine and frizz control...)

The lube currently in my nightstand is Wet Gel Body Glide. I like it. It's long-lasting but easy to clean up, has a nice thick texture that can handle the tough jobs, doesn't get sticky at all, and it feels very... clean. If you're not yet at the point in your life where you're okay with buying your sex supplies from veterinary supply companies, this would be a good lube to use.

One piece of lube advice: use too much. I used to get in the habit of using just a couple drops and calling something "lubed" when it was coated all over, no matter how thinly. But it feels much, much better to get things wet as fuck. The correct adjective is not merely "slick" but "glorpy."

Monday, December 8, 2008

It happens to every guy sometimes, I'm sure.

What does it mean when a guy is hard as hell when you slide a buttplug up his ass, hard and dripping and making little "mmm" noises when you make him suck a dildo at your crotch, but goes totally soft when you try to fuck him regular?

Oh well, at least we still had the dildo handy.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Sex Toy Reviews: Nubby G!

Sex toys always have embarrassing names. I'm not really sure what name wouldn't be embarrassing though; none comes to mind. It's either embarrassingly descriptive ("The Cone") or embarrassingly non-descriptive ("The Sybian") and either way I kind of cringe. It's probably my own problem.

Anyway. It is nubby and it is for your, uh, G. And OH MY FUCKING GOD does it feel FUCKING PERFECT. It's thick--maybe too thick if a little stretching isn't your thing, definitely a toy to use with lube--and it has a nice big firm thingy pushing right where it feels great. The nubby things on the bottom are a little frustrating since they almost-but-not quite reach your clit and ass (your perineum may vary), but they still help spread the sensations around nicely.

The vibrator doesn't do much. It's in the wrong place and it's kinda loud. Better to just use the toy with the vibe off and just kinda wiggle it manually.

One caveat: this is not silicone, it's made of some sort of non-Mother-Jones-approved evil demon rubber that will give you cancer or something. (Phthalate-softened rubber, specifically.) Personally I read the scientific evidence and don't think it matters unless you eat a bucket of vibrators for dinner every night, but if you're a paranoid hippie, there are lots of similar things that are made of silicone. Get it quick before they decide silicone gives you cancer too!

I guess it doesn't sound great on paper, but damn, it just feels so goddamn good. Even to just put it in and leave it there, not even touching anything, feels fantastic.

Monday, December 1, 2008

"I'm polymorphous, which should tell you everything you need to know."

Oh man. This right here, this is 90% of the reason I'm taking a break from the kink community right now. (5%: Because my job is sucking my soul out my nose; 5%: Because I can't get away from a certain group of people who apparently have NO OTHER LIFE and will be at ALL events anywhere in the area and continually give me a passive-aggressive hard time about not being kinky the correct way which they have scientifically determined.)