Saturday, January 26, 2008

Scattered Cosmocking.

I'm in an easy-target mood again.


4 Things He Doesn't Dare Tell You
1. He has a stash of porn.
I know what you're thinking: "Not my man."

That's not what I'm thinking! I'm thinking about my first date with Jon, which ended with me sitting on his lap watching bondage porn until I turned around and said "let's try that." Brandon doesn't watch porn with me, but it's no big secret that he owns it. Boy's gotta jerk off to something, right?

2. He wants more oral sex.
Again, what's the big secret? Either of my guys is pretty comfortable saying "I want a blowjob," and I'm pretty comfortable saying "lie back and unzip, baby" or (very rarely) "sorry, not right now." It's a thing couples do, it's not like some horrible dark taboo.

Men are simple creatures with three basic needs: food, shelter, and blow jobs.
I know this line is a joke, but god damn it's also ravingly offensive. Men are human goddamn beings, Cosmo.

"I'm afraid that making that request would probably be the end not only of oral sex but of all sex," says Eric from New York City
Eric? Your girlfriend is a crazy bitch. (Not for refusing oral sex, but cutting him off just for asking...!?!?!) Or at least you think she is.

3. He hates it when you're more successful than he is.
Well fuck him then.

4. He's more loyal to you than he is to his buddies.
I'm not sure what to make of this one, because... seems like both guys are loyal to both me and to their male friends, and we aren't really in competition. If they say "sorry, I'm going out with friends that night," I say "okay, how 'bout Saturday?" I'm not really interested in winning them away from their friends.


14 Sex Moves You've Never Heard Of
I heard of most of these in the sixth grade.

Put a dollop of, say, peanut butter on an area where you'd like to be licked (avoiding your genitals).
God ew. I've never been into foodsex, but even if I were... peanut butter? It's sticky, oily, and frankly kinda poo-looking. Erotic!

Heat up some massage oil, and put it into a turkey baster.
OH GOD WHAT THE HELL AUGH. (Actually, I'm taking this out of context, they just want you to drip it on his skin. But I can't imagine approaching a guy--even Jon--hell, even Dan, and he owns dildos you could use in industrial construction--with a turkey baster full of oil and getting a good reaction.)

Start by stacking six scrunchies on top of each other over his package. "Then remove them one by one using your lips and tongue," says St. Claire. "As each piece is removed, it releases a little bit of pressure in his penis, which will make his orgasm more intense when it happens.
Holy crap, the sight of a guy's cock completely covered in frilly floofy scrunchy-stuff would be hilarious. Don't think I could stack up six of them very well though even if he could keep it hard while laughing.

Mix up your usual oral sex routine by having him take his above-the-neck technique below the belt... He can tickle the area with his tongue, wiggle it in a circular motion from top to bottom, and gently suck the skin.
Wait, so the entire concept of cunnilingus is a "Sex Move You've Never Heard Of"? Jesus, Cosmo.

"While giving him oral sex, slide a finger into your mouth and tickle his penis at the same time you're stimulating him with your lips and tongue,"
Huh? What? Have you ever given oral sex in your life? How big is your mouth? How small is his penis? Why don't you have a gag reflex? Or teeth?

During intercourse, you're all wrapped up in each other. So extend that carnal concept even further by literally tying yourselves together. Take a really long piece of sturdy plastic wrap (long enough to fit around your body about eight times). Then fold it in half, twist it into a long rope that fits snuggly around both of your bodies twice, and secure it with a knot at your waist so you're locked together.
what the fuck

Keep a paddlebrush, a soft scarf, and a baseball (yes, a baseball) on your bedside table. While he's on top, alternate between scratching his back and butt with the bristles of the brush, stroking him with the scarf, and rolling the baseball over his skin.
what the FUCK

For a postpassion wrap up, set up an instant-messenger account with a secret name, and tell your man to be online at a certain time. Then send him a message -- pretending to be a sexy stranger -- and recount all the dirty details of your last rendezvous together. "Not only are you confirming how amazing your sex life is, but it's also a form of exhibitionism as you brag about your sexual escapades to a 'stranger,' "
I know a better way to brag about my sexual escapades to strangers. :)

6 comments:

  1. I love you SO MUCH.

    Cosmo seems to make some kind of commentary on the concept of 'OMG!!!! MEN LIKE PORN!!!!!!'

    Are women really that ignorant? Please tell me no.

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  2. Cosmo must be aimed at women who only ever talk to women (who only ever talk to women, etc).

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  3. I tend to think that Cosmo is for women who buy into all of the things about sex that Holly has fun debunking.

    ps- Glad to hear that you and Jon made up. That bit of the story makes me think that he doesn't have to be voted off the island after all.

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  4. Aebhel - Obviously women aren't all ignorant because there's you and me and most of the women we know in real life.

    Bruno (and everyone) - I think Cosmo is aimed at women who are amazingly insecure and express that insecurity as massive narcissism. The kind of woman who thinks it's reasonable to forbid her boyfriend from masturbating because it's "like cheating."

    I have to picture a woman who is always desperate to be dating because she's terrified of dying alone, but always drives away the men she dates because she clings and demands and is totally unable to become authentically comfortable with them. And Cosmo is pretty much a cling-and-demand manual (with sections on overpriced shoes).

    "Oh God please be my boyfriend, I'll do anything for you, I'll wear $500 skirts and fake laughs at all your jokes and attempt horrible disgusting sex acts like brief reluctant oral sex!"

    "Okay, so you're my boyfriend now... this means you will never do anything without my knowledge and approval. You will never have a sexual thought that does not involve me. You will regularly give me expensive or time-consuming gifts and I will not reciprocate."

    "Hey, where are you going? Is it... sniff... is it because I'm not pretty enough?"

    Scott - Jon's still a dickweed, really, but he's a dickweed who is freaking amazing in bed. Inasmuch as we don't do many things out of bed anyway, I can put up with that.

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  5. The thing is, I really don't know a lot of women in real life, and the more I read literature designed for their (our) consumption, the more I don't really want to.

    As far as porn goes, I think I own more of it than my fiance. Which is actually kind of funny.

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  6. "For a postpassion wrap up, set up an instant-messenger account with a secret name, and tell your man to be online at a certain time. Then send him a message -- pretending to be a sexy stranger -- and recount all the dirty details of your last rendezvous together. "Not only are you confirming how amazing your sex life is, but it's also a form of exhibitionism as you brag about your sexual escapades to a 'stranger,' ""

    So um I just want to point out to all you ladies out there that this would freak the FUCK out of me. Like I would be freaked out that I'd accidentally run into some stalker.

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